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Motivational 32

     Today is my birthday. The big 32. That is crazy to think about, but that is what I thought last year on my birthday. Every year after thirty is remarkable to me. ever since I was a kid I have always thought that my age at the year I was going to die would be 50.. It's a dark thing to thinking about. and to assume. If my insight into the matter says anything then that means that I am half passed to mark.

     This birthday is already more pleasant than the year prior. Last year I was doing the normal things. That is a joke. I was changing locks, not eating, standing in the rain, being alone, and to top not off I thought my apartment was going to burn down. This is by far better. I woke up to Andy, and he was pretty nice. We went to go to the diner that was down the street, but due to the fact that it was Saturday and that I chose to wake up at noon, it was closed. 

     In the end we went to Waffle House. I played Taylor Swift on the jukebox. I started with I Can Do It With A Broken Heart, then went to But Daddy I love Him, and ended it with Who's Afraid Of Little Old Me?. It was my own small Female Rage The Musical. Just those three songs s I ate my eggs and drank my chocolate milk. It just felt like a normal day.

     I worked yesterday. I have been feeling super productive after I get off a shift from work. I get home and then I try and keep the energy going. If I stop to look at my phone or put the TV on, I will lose that rush. I have to use it until it is faint and weak. This is the opportunity to get my motivation going. I have a hard enough time as it is trying to make myself motivated to do anything. It's an odd thing that my depression likes to do to me. 

     I have lived with this factor for most of my life. I know that it goes toe and toe with the fact that I have abandonment issues, that I don;'t feel myself worthy, and that I just feel like a burden. It's my depression that speaks volumes. Making me not want to be apart of things, not want to leave the house, staying in comfortable spots, and re watching tv shows over and over again. Depression is always hand in hand with Anxiety.

I'm so depressed that I act like it's my birthday. 

-Taylor Swift 

     There always comes that time in a story where there are the good things that happened and the bad things. The good things are small pushes to get the character in the right direction. The bad stuff is the thing that hinders the character from either progressing or it's something that evidentaly make them grow. This is the that moment for me. I have some good things that happened to me these last week weeks and there is something bad, but that something was a tremendously big experience gained. 

     I have been writing my story more. The Curse of The Scott Sisters is chugging along. I am still working on chapter twenty but the chapter is almost to the finished line. Then I have to do the entire climax of the story, and leave enough for the sequel. I am really excited go get this almost finished. I have been working on it since 2022, the typing point of it anyhow. I want to be finished with it by the end of May and start having the second one, The Curse of the Thirst started. I can accomplish that stuff.

     My mom bought me a desk for my birthday. I finally got it all set up after rearranging the living room. That is what I started yesterday after work and finished just a few moments ago. I like the small change, it feels like there is new energy here. When we came back from Waffle House we stopped by this armchair I saw while leaving work yesterday. Andy and I picked it up and now it's in my living room. It looks really nice and it's small. 

     Remember my poem stuff I chatted about a little bit. Well I worked on the book cover again, and this rendition is looking nice. I worked on it when I went to the skate park with two friend I went to rehab with. One is really positive and talks about how addicts as a whole can beat their addiction. He is someone that I look up to and it really motivates me to do better. I have to die better...

     I have to be better because I did in dead slip. I fell out of the boat. That means that was I really working a honest and rewarding program with NA. The answer is no. I did in fact relapse. I already got my white tag again which was a hurdle in al its own. I felt the guilt and shame that came with my undoing. I threw all the time I worked on myself away and it sucked. It was as if I lost my entire computer with no back up files saved. I would lose my entire writing history. Thankful I have it all backed up, I learned my lesson when I was a sophomore. 

     Getting back into the boat is the main thing. I need to get in the middle. Be apart of things like talking in meetings, hanging with friends, going to church and work, and just talking more. If I am being supported and doing the work then I will stay in the middle of the boat with the others. There will be no chance of me slipping up and falling back into the abyss. 

     It's a lesson learned. My way at recovery was not the option. I have to change some things. The things I have been changing are the way I look at the program as a whole. I need a sponsor and I have one in mind. He is a well standup person and he has a lot of respect in the community. I will start working the steps and myself. I have seen a huge change in me already since I have been working. It is humbling to be working at my new job but at least I am doing something.

     That is what matters the most. I will do better because I am better. I know that some people have judgements and that's that. In the end I will have goo poems out of all my experiences and it will all be as raw as when I went through it. Things are different and I am glad. Things are going well. Very well.

     This will be the year t=of motivation. I will get things done. I will work things out. I will make goals and accomplish them. I will write. I will get published. I will find myself. I will find reason. This is the motivational 32. There will be no ands, ifs, or buts to this situation. I WILL. I WILL. Things will be very well and I will be well!