For Legal and Privacy concerns all names in these blogs have been changed. 



     It’s like swimming in a rough patch of waves on the beach. I’m treading the water perfectly fine but the waves keep crashing over me. Pulling me under briefly until I drift my way back up to the surface. That’s what it feels like currently.

     I moved to Ocala to start over. To have a fresh start away from the people, places, and things. That’s been a great tool that I’ve accumulated, not knowing anything; person or people that use substances. Obviously, it’s been hard transitioning into life. How does a drug addict that needed drugs to fulfill a normal life integrate into a life with nothing. 

     Starting from scratch is not so easy or fun. I have my family, yet they are a hour and a half away. I wish I could just spend every other day with them. Take the tie out of the nothing-ness I am doing and go watch movies with them or just do whatever. But I can't. I do not have the luxury of seeing my family whenever I want to and that sucks. It does eventually get to me that I can't. I am not so fortunate to have them around,

     Another thing that is getting to me is that I have been applying for jobs. I have retail experience and I am wanting to use that to get a job. I have been applying to places. I have. But my trying is not good enough for people. I have been trying harder since last Thursday because it's been a stress factor for my boyfriend, so I have been putting application in. I got an interview but since it is 27 minutes from the house I have to decline it. It's like a rollercoaster. Either I apply and get interviews or I don't, and if I get an interview it's not good enough. 

     Like, I got the interview for the place and my boyfriend stated, "Why don't you get a job at a gas station closer"...

     Of course I would like to do that, and obviously that is the must. But it is not up to me for that. The best I can do is apply and wait to get an interview. That's the hiring manager's job to do such a thing. I have no control over that. At least I got a interview for the other place, but that's not good enough...

    I really am loosing all hope. It's off. I had more motivation and need to find a job when I was in my addiction. I never worried about the struggles of wanting to please someone to find one. It's a constant aggravation. I am doing my best, yet my best is not worth anything in this persons eyes. It's very pleasing to know that. To know that nothing you do is good enough. Never Enough, I get that song now. 

     I get that stress is a major factor in many people's lives. I do. Another straggly that a I have is that I don't have any motivation to write right now. I finished Chapter 19, but I have no idea what to do after that. I have to edit my story a lot in the beginning because things have changed with some characters I have wrote. I have to make the plot flow better with these changes. I love Book 3, and that stuff will not change at all. 

     I want to type up all the poems and writing I did while I was in rehab. That is something that I have confidence in and I want to publish a small book with those in it. I think that will be a cool idea. I need to start on that and focus. I just need a boost. When I use to write all the time I had the help of weed, but now I don't have that. It was a good motivator for me. I want to try it again but with the recovery community smoking pot is a big no. So, that is not an potion.

     Therapy is coming up…I have been writing down things that cause my anxiety to go off. I have not done it in a few days but I was active for a couple. I have to share it with my therapist tomorrow. That is not something I want to do. I really dislike this therapist. I miss my old one that I had when I found out about my HIV status. She was very calming an understood me to a tee. I hope she is alright and I wish I could get in contact with her. 

     I feel that this was all about me complaining and bitching, which it was. I just have no collective outlet to talk to. I do not really have friends here, beside the ones in the recovery community. I do not want my life to revolve around that as much as other addicts do. I just want to go back to my normal life I had back in 2022 before I was let go at Disney. I wish I could go back to worm for them, but that will never happen. 


     The waves keep crashing me down when I get back up. I finally got my blood work done to be registered in Marion County. That's a plus and I feel productive because of it. I got medicine to last me until May 6th. To me it is crazy that it's almost been a year since May 9th, and since April 21st, when I was officially diagnosed with HIV. How crazy does time work?

     It's Friday and I started this blog on a Monday. Monday was a good day until it wasn't. I am starting to feel like I don't belong here. Here in Ocala. I like the recovery community, I like the church I go to, and I love being with my boyfriend. But, it just doesn't fit in with who I am. I had a job call me that I applied for on Monday and that call was Wednesday. When I called back the next day the job was already taken, which has put me in a mood.

     It's like I am expected to get over things fast and not be upset with things. Example, when I get into a fight with my partner and we disagree on something. He expects it to be resolved with a hug, but there are underlying problems that need to be addressed. Like, I know I have been having anger problems and I am blunt and sometimes mean. That's the story of my life, that's who I am. I try to be nicer and I try to be friendly, but I will not fake it to make it in that regards. 

     Struggles. I am happy that I finally have my writing flow back. I story boarded my last few chapters and I finally figured out how I am going to write the next chapter. I am really excited to finish it, but it's hard to actually write. I use to write non-stop with pot, it actually motivated me. But I can't do that so I have to figure out another way of doing it. Sigh.

     It's been a week or so since I left off here, glad to be back.

     I had two interviews with the Pilot gas station. It was nice. I was actually excited about it, got dressed up, and tried. But they did not call me back for a third interview. It makes no sense for me. They wanted someone who had good guest experience, and my background is the king of that line. I worked at Disney World., the most magical place in the world. But, I guess little Ocala doesn't recognize that. Their loss.

    I have been hard at work putting all my poems together. They are all in a format now, and I have over 90 pages of it done. I do not want to add more to it because I want to make another one day and this one is based on my addiction and my recovery. Very good outlook. I named it Far From Addicted and I hope people enjoy it when I get it published…that's a when.

     My mom came to visit on Saturday and that was a nice thing. It was a fleshing breath of air. It's annoying when my boyfriend can see his mom whenever he wants and they still complain they don't see each other enough. It's like a kick in the face. I use to love Sunday's but now…well they are kinda lack lusting in my opinion. I need to find something worth while.

    This post is over. I don't want to go to much more into my struggles. Things do work out. I will get a job. I just don't really want to settle. I am not a person that settles. I might just hunker it down and go to Taco Bell or even try a career source. I am just glad I have my writing back, that's the greatest thing ever.

     Also, CHUCKY and AHS is back on tv. So, beside the small fights with my boyfriend, the lack of a job, and the lack of seeing my family; all is well.





Lights, Camera, Bitch, Smile

(1 Year since diagnosis)

     What a week. What a year. Today is April 21st, 2024, and to me that is a big day. I planned to write this day, no matter what I was doing or how busy I was. I had it all figured out, from what I wanted to type to the title. That was until Taylor Swift dropped The Torture Poets Department two days ago. Then I switched the title of this post to what it is now, because it reminded me of a older post I had Lights, Camera, Action

     Let's get the second hand subject of this out of the way. I am still listening to the 11th studio album and I really enjoy it. There are songs on it that I wish I had a year ago, because it helps me explore the feelings I had then. I can do it with a broken heart or Florida!. There is even some songs that I just like because it's so revealing into how Taylor feels. This makes me want to get my poem book published more, I just need to get to it. I am going to self publish and I need to figure that out soon. 

     This last week has been changeling in different ways. The first thing is job wise. I really need to get one, and the anxiety of rejoining the world is getting to me. the stress that comes with people always asking me if I have found one, or that I need to get one, is also a big weight. I know the crucial aspect of having to get a job, and the time is limited. I have to get one. No doubt about it. Just do it.

     It does not help that my boyfriend is also out of work. It's not even his fault. He tries extremely hard. There is so much stress on him about supporting us. That's not fair for him to have that all on his shoulders. I need to stop up and get a job. To help support us. He is amazing, and I appreciate all the stuff he does for us, for me, and just himself. He deserves so much praise. I hope he knows he is amazing.

     Here comes the second, relationship issues. Even though we both are stressed, we deal with it really well. We only have fights due to communication problems. But There is just this nagging thing that keeps me thinking about things, it's his mother. She is a nice lady, sweet really. Yet, she is a constant strain with her worriment and tight grip she thinks she has. She is very condescending and has a nasty stigma about people, places and things. There is so much content to this and my only outlet I have had to deal with it is through writing poems. I can't really express this outlaid because it's just not a good stone to toss around while things are so fragile. Why break a nice home, even if it's built out of glass.

     What a year though. From April 21st, 2023 to April 21st, 2024 it has been non stop. Let's list all the things I did, went through, endured through this year. Found out I had HIV. Drug use was high. Got out of a toxic relationship. Move to Daytona.. Went to detox, twice. Deep in paranoia. Went to my first rehab. Went to jail for the first time. Started a blog. urned 31. Got a job at a movie theater. Found religion. Went to jail again. Went to my second rehab. Met a great recovery group. Lost my step mom.  Learned to play Volleyball. Met my current boyfriend. Found love again. THREE Taylor Swift albums came out. Got closer with my mom. Moved to Ocala. Started writing again. 

     There are many thing that I did not think would happen this year. Never would I have thought I would contract this disease. To find out, ironically, the I have to diseases: HIV and being an Addict. Each one has taught me so much about who I am as a person this year.  I struggled Sith one more than the other. With the HIV diagnosis  it took me a while to accept it, even though my dameanor about the situation was very tamed.

     I did not really let it affect me as a person. With the being an Addict, that got out of hand. I am very open about both issues.  On here, definitely, I was very open, maybe a little too much. This entire blog has been a consistent look into my life at the end of my drug use and the start of my HIV. I am not ashamed of having it all out there for people to read. Yes, there are typos through out post I reread. But do you really expect me, with my state at the time, to pay that much attention? I was to busy thinking people were out to get me, looking out windows, and thinking the police were corrupt. 

So tell me everything is not about me.

But what if it is?

Who's Afraid Of Little Old Me

-Taylor Swift

The Tortured Poets Department

Then say they didn't do it to hurt me.


But what if they did?

     It does take a lot of work to do this blog. The odd thing about it its that I blogged more when I was in my addiction than I do now. I try to post when I can or types when I want, but it does not work out like that. Writing is a weird craft. I have to be in the right state of mind, the environment has to be just perfect, and I need the want to do it. There is so much that has to be perfect for the time. Like right now, I am calm, cool, and collective: relaxing, listening to music, and just me and my computer. 

     My writing is going alright. I have organized all my hand written books. The Haven was meant to be a trilogy, but I ended up changing it to eight stories. The third is originally 6 spiral notebooks, which is over 2,000 pages. I have move to chapter twenty in the first story, and planned out al the chapters for the entire series. All I need to do it buckle down, have some read bowls, and just crank it out. That's what I did from January -June of 2022. 

     To me the is sound weird to think about. Just two years ago I was focused on my book, then I got side tracked with my DOC (Drug Of Choice). I lost myself, my writing, and just life. I thought I knew things, but I was far from it. Everything was my choice, but damn. I was in a bubble for seven years, protected by the mouse.  It's a cult beyond anything I ever heard about and inside the cult there are mini cults. I can get into: DVC, Passholders, Shareholders, Cast Members (those branches also), Disneyland and Disneyworld influencers. The stems of far, and it's so cultivating. 

     When I left the area of Disney world, and I did not go far, just fifteen minutes down the street. It's crazy that that is how far I got before I found drugs and sex. I have to include sex into it because it is. People think Sex is not associated Wirth addiction, but it goes hand and hand. Addicts just change one addiction for another. It can be something that is not a big deal, like Taylor Swift music, or it can be something drastic like another drug. Things happens, people are people. 

     Life is for humans to be themselves. We make mistakes. We have to do just that to learn, to grow, to evolve. To be better. We can never get to that perfect state of mind, but we can try. Just be easy on yourself when things don't go your way, or when things are not up to speed with what you want. Things take time. Things do happen, good and the bad. There is an entire song,. story. movie, program or whatever you want to call it written about you. From start to finish, it's just not all uploaded yet. You are the upload part, and you always will be. 

    You will not ever not be uploading. Life is always a stage. Progressive. Never ending. No matter what hurtles or obstacles come your way, you have to get through it somehow and keep going.. That's what I am trying to do. I am trying to be a different, better version of me.

     There will be some that say I have changed, or others that say other wise. But I have tried to think before I react to things. Old me would  speak his mouth, say whatever to someone to try and make them feel worthless. Of course, I would do that because I thought I was worthless,. It's a toxic cycle. Now, today, I will just keep my mind closed.

     I know that sometimesI still react and it isn't in the character that that poison knows me as. I have spurts of anger, it's something I am not perfect at and I know that.. I am aware of my defects, and I am trying to be better. There is so much to be happy about in my life though. I have a great boyfriend who tries his best, makes me laugh, and makes me grateful to be around.

     There is a thing I user to think about when I worked with Disney. It was that if I lost the job and the relationship I was in during that time that my life would be over. Not over as me thinking dramatically. It was more like me not knowing what would happen to me, or what would life be without that stuff. I could not think of a future that did not have anything I had in it. Surely, that happened because my life flipped that fast.

     With the and this last year, I am glad of who I am. I know I am not how some people want me to be. But being me, that is the best. I am happy with it. That is all that matters. I am working on so much. My mindset,. my writing, my recovery, my health, my relationship, and getting a job. Which, I have one today. Before Volleyball yesterday a friend in recovery helped me get an interview at his work. I have to get over the entire not wanting to settle, because at this point I have too. 

     I hope that the interview will go well. It's for a shift manager at McDonald's, but if they offer me something else I will probably take it also. I need to help with the finical aspect of my relationship. Also, if I want to get published I have to save money to do that. I think it will work out, so I'll do my best. I have already talked to one of the managers, and he is also in recovery. He seems nice and accepting. 

     I have to get my day going. Get presentable for a job interview. I am glad I wrote this post. I am doing very well in life. As of this moment I am grateful of the people, places, and things that are here and happening. I want to make this blog more helpful for people with addiction. Write posts about things I learned in rehab and in life. I want to help, I really do. 




That's Insanity

     There is something I forgot to talk about in the last post, so I will make it the topic I talk about in this one. This is something that spooked me when I saw it because this situation, this person, is not something I forgave or move on from. Not moved on from as in a relationship kind of way, but in the ordeals that he bestowed upon me. I know I have mentioned this person in earlier post and that person is Clyde, you know, my old HIV doctor.

     When I first met Clyde he was decent. That was on May 9th of last year. He was not there during my diagnosis because he was sick. He is the one that told me that I should be on Dovato for my medication. That reasoning was because he was also taking that medicine. He was the one that made me feel more comfortable after Tucker left me at the clinic to get high. He made me feel way better than I did that day, and that is the only thing that I am thankful for.

     Clyde was very interested in my health. To me it was more than a doctor should. He webbed himself between my mom and my life. He was very adamant on me getting off the drugs. The main reason was because he said that the meth would bring my immune system down more and that would make my body weaker. He had a valid point and everything, it was just hard to quit during that time. I was so far gone in my addiction and I was far from stopping.

     Also around this time I was planning my move to Daytona Beach due to my life crumbling down beneath me. I lost my health, I lost Tucker, I lost my friends, and my mind. Things in Orlando were not going so hot. Before I moved away in June of last year I started to trust Clyde with things in my life. Due to the drug use, I was paranoid beyond no other. I was hell bent on the theory that the police wanted to get me.

     I had so many reasons why they wanted to get me. The main one that my twisted brain created was that all my drug friends were pinning a murder on me. Around August of 2022 a person that I talked to a few times on Grindr was murdered and left in a dumpster. I did not find this out until that October. That was something that I was keen on figuring out. I had to.

     Back to the Clyde of it all. Him and I hung out in a total of three times: once at my place, and twice at his hotel. It always made no sense to me that he was staying in a hotel. The first one he was at the Hilton, which my ex fiancé owned years before that. Then the second one was an extended stay which was next to Crew Health, the hit clinic that I went to  to get treatment.  Each time we hung out it was not orthodox at all, normally you and your doctor are not meant to have a relationship like that.

     The first time we hung out at my place was normal, sort of. All we did was smoke weed, talk a lot, and he talked to me while I packed my apartment.  Of course I was coming down from my other smoking habit and Clyde took a nap. We stayed up most of the night, well I know I did. My mind played tricks on me that night. I was convinced that my apartment was going to burn down, that people were trying to wake  Clyde up from my third story bedroom window. Of all the thins though, that was the night Clyde introduced me to tree people.

     Tree people are the same thing as shadow people, yes they are in trees. It is that easy and basic to explain. I never heard of the term before until the night Clyde told me on my porch. The first time I ever saw a tree person was when I was at the extended stay with Clyde. He was sleeping, again, when I was sitting on the couch trying to write my book. I was not doing so hot in that department. I remember taking a brief nap then waking up to see a lady starring at the hotel window. As soon as she saw me starring back at her she headed on her way. In my mind that was sketchy as hell, because remember I thought I was being followed by the police.

     That was the second time I spent the night at Clydes hotel. The first time was much different. Even though he told me not to I brought my own party favor. Of course,. my poison then was using a needle and I brought two. One for me and one for Clyde. It was the worst situation I had ever found myself in.  I would never want anyone to ever have to go through what I went through that night. Most of my time during this time period of my life I would never curse them with, even if I disliked the person.

     First off, that night I tried to admin myself but I just couldn't do it. So I asked Clyde to do it, and I would think that he was good at sticking people with needles, nope. He missed my view and made my arm swell . Then after that, cause I did not have anymore. he invited a friend over. It was off for me because why does everyone have to involve another person when smoking; especially Tina.  The person he invited overt was someone that I hung out with before yet the guy did not remember me. When he arrived and found out there was nothing to smoke beside weed he dipped out.

     In my paranoia, everything turns back to the cops. I think it is because I am doing things that I am not supposed to and breaking the law. So, whenI smoke my brain is like, "DUDE YOU ARE GOING TO GET BUSTED!" Of course I never did. But I thought that this dude that Clyde invited over was a cop. It was just so odd to me how his behavior was and the fact that he was only interested in smoking. Soon after he left the party kinda fizzled out and I got a ride home via Uber. 

      I remember this one time Clyde was meant to come to my house. But he said he was partying too much, and I questioned that. he said he was drinking and that he couldn't come over because he couldn't drive. Which, I'll mention later, was bullshit. That same night I invited this guy over to my house that I had a hookup with earlier that day and when he arrived he did not look like the guy that came over before. The oddest part was that when he was in my apartment watching me bubblewrap my Lego collection I got a text message from him stating that he was at my front door. It was the most bizarre things that occurred towards the end of my stint in Orlando. 

      That night was one of the most fucked up nights of my life. I kept seeing my sister in my apartment, yet she was not there. I remember video calling her and asking her how to make macaroni and cheese. Don't laugh, I was higher than all the kites in the world. My sister told me a few months later that she could see Tucker in the background of the call and during this time I was home alone. I was trying to fold and pack my clothes and every time I turned away from them they would be unfolded. 

     Those are my stories on how I spent time with my doctor out side the doctors office. The times that we spent together were not ethical. I think that if any doctor did what Clyde did they should lose their medical. license. But nope, that never happened because he convinced me to leave Orlando due to me getting "evicted" from my apartment and check myself into rehab. Which, it worked.

     The last thing that I wanted to bring up was the fact that he pushed my paranoia to go further. Of course, with the tree people but there were other things that he did. When I went to a check up one time I heard him talking to the other workers there about a situation I told him that happened with my neighbor. I remember listening to them all read text messages from me and the guy back and forth. When I confronted Clyde about it he told me that I was mishearing things and that him and the other workers at Crew were talking about payroll things.

     I would never recommend Crew Health to anyone to get check ups or anything in the matter because of the terrible experience I endured. It's crazy that that place is the worst experience I had since finding out about me having HIV. They made me think that they put heroin and crack on a donut, so I did everything in my power to not eat it. I remember sitting in the front lobby distraught because everything that was happening to me. When that was happening I kept posting negative Facebook post about Crew health and the receptionist was hacking into my computer and deleting them. So I kept re-uploading it over and overt and over again until finally I gave up. 

     There are so many odd things that happened during that time period of my life and I wish I could just have someone that experienced it all with me, but I was alone. I had no friends at the time in Orlando, beside Dania who was busy with her life. My family was in Daytona Beach and I had no way to get to them at all. All I wanted was to get out of that negative area but there was no hope, none at all. I had to endure it all and wait out the storm until the day my mom finally decided to help me move.

     Before I get to why I wanted to write this post to begin with I have to talk about one more Clyde story. I remember I was meant to go for a check up and at this point in my visits I was terrified that Clyde and Crew health were trying to get me arrested. So, I did not go and I made an appointment with CAN Community., which is way better than Crew. But I remember that day so vividly. It started with a weird ass dream about the receptionist girl, Natalia, which Clyde always said to me that she never worked there. In my dream she broke out in a musical number where she explained who she really was and in the dream she was a famous person. Imagine Jane from Jane the Virgin.

     Well the dream turned unto reality when I started to have phone calls from Crew health and from Clyde about my appointment that I never canceled. It was odd because I could hear the conversation between everyone at Crew health from my bedroom and all I did was drift back into sleep. Then I started to hear banging on my door which was from Clyde, but he was never there. The fun thing about Clyde at this time was that he had no license to drive, so he could not do such a thing (told you I would bring it back up). 

     At this point in the story I was trying my best to not do Meth, so I went back to pot. I remember, in a discombobulated sense, that I was still high off Ice and I needed to fresh air. When I left my apartment I heard someone listening to music and the lyrics were on repeat. The song kept reiterating for me to take a right, so I took a left. I was making sure to go in the road because I just had a bad feeling about it. Instead I left my apartment complex and just started to walk north down state road 535. 

     Mind you this is the end of  May and beginning of June, it was fucking hot. I walking down the road and all I could hear was Clydes voice in my head telling me to turn around. He was talking to a female which I assumed was Natalia. They were narrating my entire walk and it was aggravating the shit out of me. I just wanted to be alone and I just wanted to escape my life at that time. It was rough. 

     This walk was one of the most strangest experiences I encountered along with the night I explained earlier. During this walk I was folioing a guy that was dressed in the outfit I use to wear for Disney. But was khaki pants and a dark blue pollo. The odd part about this thing is that the costume was an Epcot one and he was walking toward Magic Kingdom. The other thing that was peculiar about him was that every so often his skin and hair color would change. 

     I know, I was losing why mind due to the drugs. Even though I was destroying my brain it was still in tact, if that makes sense. I was fully aware of everything that was happening to me and that was the most scariest thing. I use to say that I hated how powerful my brain was because it was so aware of the things going on with it.  But with that, my thought process tries to make everything practical or realistic. I have no idea how my mind was going to make a guy whose features changing realistic. 

     I remember thinking to myself that this guy must have been putting tanning oil on and then wiping it off while I was looking away. That was the only logical explanation that I could come. up with. Eventually I did not want to have to think about this person any longer so I turned away from him and journeyed back home. The crazy thing is that this was one of the many times I took this walk to clear my head from drugs, because I like to do things over and over again. That's insanity. 

     On my way back to my apartment during that walk I remember the voice of Clyde telling me to  not take off my glasses. I thought it was a weird thing for a voice to say to me, and especially one that wasn't even mine. So, doing what I do best, I rebelled and took my glasses off. For some miraculous token, the voices stopped. It was as if my glasses had a speaker in it and that was how I was hearing the voice of Clyde. I remember putting my glasses in my hoodie pocket and then just walking home with impaired vision. 

     There was one point of the walk back where there was this guy on a small motorbike, like a crotch rocket. He drove by me about twice, going north top 535 and then back down it. I remember I went to jog across an entrance to a neighborhood and my glasses fell out of my pocket. I did not notice it happening and when I turned around I could see the motorbike guy speeding to get them. I beat him to them and as I grabbed them he turned around and vanished. I have no idea what his intentions were but I had an inkling that he was not going to return the glasses to me. 

     There, a blog tangent. Anyways, the other night I was watching tv in bed and Andy was falling asleep. I remember I started slapping him in the arm because a commercial for my medicine was on. I had to take a double glance because on that commercial was Clyde., my old corrupt doctor. The fun thing about Clyde, me, and Andrew isa that we all know each other. Andy told me that Clyde got fired from his practice that he was one when Andy was being treated for HIV. How funny ho that cycle doesn't change. 

     Seeing Clyde on the commercial made my stomach do a kick flip. I was so upset about it that the day after I could not think about anything else. It was hard to process that someone so vile was a spokesperson for Dovato. I wish I could tell them of all the things that he did to me. I found out that a he also got a new job at a new practice. How many times can you move in your life and have the same career? Does anyone do background checks anymore?

     My stomach is turning right now just thinking of it. The fact that he is going to me immortalize for life in a commercial. It's disgusting to even process about.  I can't believe that I went on this entire rant about Clyde just because I saw that commercial. I did not mean to write this much about it, maybe something will come from it. Who knows? Most likely not, unless people can connect the dots and figure out who Clyde is…remember I change everyones names. His needs to be dragged thru the mud and he needs to have a ruined life, just like the ones that he had ruined. 

     A little catch up in my life right now. I got a job. I am still listening to The Tortured Poets Department. Jess Glynn dame out with a new album that I have yet to listen to. AHS:Delicate finished and it was rushed but in all it was decent. There is not much going on in my life right now and I need to find a center. I have been trying to write more, and write I mean my witch book. I have to finish it and I want to . I want to be published and I need to. That is the only thing I want to accomplish in mu life right now.