For Legal and Privacy concerns all names in these blogs have been changed. 


Post XXXV


DAY 104


I'M OUT OF REHAB!

I DID IT.

I FINISHED MY 90 DAY PROGRAM.

I AM PROUD OF MYSELF.

I DID IT!!!

     What’s the chance that I get out of rehab on my favorite number? Also I’m clean for 104 days. like I said today I got out of rehab. It’s kind of bittersweet, but I’m glad I’m leaving. The tradition is when you get out you have to do a coin out which is something that everyone has to do if they want. 

     A Coin out is where you sit in the middle on a chair and everyone else sits in a circle around you and they are supposed to say positive, inspiring things towards you. I expected to cry, but I only teared up. When there is a few people that actually said meaningful things.

It’s crazy when you live your life around 30 men for 90 days. You kinda get attached to the ones you don’t like but you get extremely attached to the ones you actually liked. Like I said it’s bittersweet. 

     The ones that actually said meaningful things gave me advice about my future. One person says I need to take time before I react to things which if you know me, it’s true another said that I am the only one that can control my emotions and my feelings and I should’ve let other people dictate how I feel , and the last one which was my roommate, he said something very powerful. He said he noticed how much I persevered how much I stay true to myself, and that I am super brave in the aspect.

     My mom and Andrew pick me up around 1030 and it was really nice seeing them both. We went and dropped off my stuff, all the stuff I accumulated throughout the 90 days at SMA, back at the apartment, then reset for Daytona Beach to get all my stuff from my storage unit.

     The drive back was fine. I got to listen to music I liked but me and Andrew took turns every other song we stopped at a place called Whoopie, which is like a candy shop. I found these candies I eat in high school called squeeze, pops, and they taste disgusting. 

     When we got back to Daytona, Andrew picked up the Penske truck which is different from U-Haul because you know only lesbians get U-Haul‘s. Then we went to my mom‘s house so I can go to the bathroom see my nieces and nephews and my grandma then directly after we went to the storage unit Andrew tried to kill my mom. Period.

     I’m just kidding he didn’t try to kill my mom. But she overexerted herself and tried to load up this heavy hope chest that I have, and went to fast up the ramp backwards into the truck and top of from the top and fell on her back of course I was alarmed because I just saw my mom fall five feet. She at first couldn’t speak coherently, stand up, or move her right wrist. Eventually, Andrew got her to the bathroom where my sister finally showed up to help with more stuff.

     My sister called the paramedics which they took her to the closest AdventHealth and that’s why I left her. Me and Andrew then went to get food at my sister’s restaurant that she works at.  She works at a place called mulligans and it’s a nice place, but I hated it. It’s crazy how much my sister knows me because she instantly figured out why I wanted for food which is always chicken. Andrew played some music from the radio which the owner of the bar turned  the music off.

     After we got food, we were back on the road but this time to stop at Oakley‘s house. I had to drop off a throw blanket at me for rehab. I was super anxious to go to his house based on all my previous events there when I got there it was like walking back in time , he of course last week and he was still super friendly.

     The best part about visiting his house, but I got to see the dogs. Of course, only one of the dogs remembered me and I was my favorite one the other ones and barked at me and almost bit my nose off. I’m super glad that Oakley is doing fine though and that he has all the riffraff at his house .

     From trip from Oakley‘s house we went to my sisters, which was the 30 Something minute drive to Oakhill . Andrew was having things come back to him from his past memories while we were driving. It was super cute. We got to my sister house. Most of my furniture was destroyed or being used because she didn’t pack anything for me. It’s like she didn’t know I was getting out to rehab. I was going to check my moms house once more to see if there were any loose objects but she was in a lot of distress and gave me an attitude about going there. The trip home was nice. I got to enjoy time with Andrew and I really did enjoy it. He is something out of this world. Something warm and positive, a blessing. 

      Unfortunately, I did not make it to a NA meeting on my first night out of rehab due to the time crunch and missing it. Andrew and I unloaded the moving truck, but got too tired to finish. We got the bed in then parked the truck in a near by parking lot. Then we walked to Walgreens for some snacks and the old lady that worked there was very nice. It was a nice welcoming to the  neighborhood. It’s like I am starting a new life, which I am. I am so thankful for this. I am a character out of a book, from a horror story to a fairy tale. Me, the new starter. A new chapter and What a lucky one. 

     The night ended how I pictured and it was in the bed with the man that I love. Ya’ll can figure out what happened and use your imagination. That thing is going to be kept between him and I and no one else…well, unless you stick around and I make content. Oh, yeah I am not stopping that. That will help me get some money to help out until I get a job again. Which I will… I have to. This is a good beginning too a better, well made life. 

Till Next time...

✌🏽

2/19/24


Post XXXVI


A WEEK LATER


You

got a new

story to write. And it looks

nothing like your

past.

     I will try my best to write a frequently as I can. There are so many things that I have to do. I want to blog more, I missed my computer. I want to finish my book 1, which I wrote some last night while outside an AA meeting. Btw, I am a NA guy. I have been trying to organize the apartment, apply for jobs, be social, and make my boyfriend content with the change also. There is a lot on my plate, and I am only human. So bear with me. I am one, busy, tired man...

     I hope this post is good. I wrote it when I was waiting for Andrew to get off work the other night and I wanted to suppose him. Can I just say how nice it is to actually type things up with a flow of my fingers. It is a nice sensation and I would never want to give it up again if I had to. This is the one thing that I find relaxing and it the speed of my fingers clanking one the keyboard. Oh how I miss this bizarre feeling. I am so happy to be out of rehab. 

     SO HAPPY!

     It’s been a week since I left rehab. 7 days. It’s baffling to me that the week went by so fast. When I was in rehab the last week seemed to move at snail speed yet the first week out moved as fast as a lion pouncing on a gazelle. Of course, the thing you want most will take the longest time to get to you, and time moves fast when you actually have that thing.

     It’s such an odd sensation about being out in the world again. This life I have is different from the one I had before. Majorly different in a myriad of ways. I’m not high, I’m clean. I’m not tormented by my depression or anxiety, I’m on medication. I’m not broken hearted and alone, I’m loved and with the man I love. 

     It’s so crazy to have this fulfilling life. To have everything I begged for a year ago. I have the support from my family, friends, and lover. I have a balanced emotional, mental, physical, and sober life style. The only thing that is lackluster is my want or my need to write. 

     The transition from being around thirty men all day to being around only one and maybe a NA meeting (am going so don’t worry) is exponential. I had a place where people tolerated me just for who I was, positive parts and my defects. Now, those people are still in a controlled, safe area while I’m out in the world doing my best. 

     That’s what I’m trying to do at least. My best. I’m not trying, that’s a word I’m excluding from my narrative.  Because I want to do the best, there is no trying because if I try that means I’m not going to succeed and it gives leeway for not doing. If that makes any sense. So, I’m doing my best.

     I’ve been to 7 NA meetings, recovery church, and 1 AA meeting this week. That’s good. One of the NA meeting was an event where people came to speak and share their experiences. I’m starting to get my foot in the door here, a foot that’s not crutched by SMA and the rehabs help. I’m creating the bonds that will last and I am being an asset to the society that I want to be part of. 

     Traditions are the most important. Andrew and I have been going to breakfast at a corner diner. It's a really cute place and it's nice to be part of a a community or even something bigger than myself. The waitress's have remembered us, and get us our coffee. A small thing like that is what is going to help me on this new path. I've been checking out old video game stores, or collectables. I want to sell some of my Yu-Gi-OH cards, or anything else that I really don't need. I have clutched onto things that I do not really need in life. Life is about collecting memories, not things. Is that right?

     A refreshing sensation is when I ride the scooter to places. It zips nicely. I really enjoy feeling the air in my hair and the freshness wizzing past me. I have crashed twice. The first time was going from SMA from my medication review. I was honest about how I wanted to get off my sleeping pills. That don't really do anything for me anymore, I fall asleep at ease. That crash landed me a pretty wicked bruise, that is still there today, a week later. 

     The second crash was coming home from lunch with Andrew. I skidded across the road when taking a sharp turn. Cut my knees. hand, and arm a little. Cut's and bruises are the least of my problems when I am having a new reformed mind on life. I really enjoy this place. This town that I am in is calm, friendly, and serene. 

     I’ve been walking a lot. My legs are aching everyday I wake up. That’s good. I’m trying my best to get off my anxiety of social places, like the gym. I just can’t get over being in a room full of people and working out. Of course, they don’t care that I have no idea what I am doing but I don’t want to look like a fool. So in the mean time, I will just use the treadmill because of all the things I do best, I know how to walk. 

     I’m blessed. I’m blessed to have a good partner in my life. He helps me everyday realize that the life I have is loving and that there is so much happiness in the smaller moments. He makes me laugh, a lot. He is the opposite of me and very personable, something I could only be if I was working at Disney or partaking in my active addiction.

     I have a goal for my blog. I want to do posts that will focus around how I feel. Things I’ve learned in rehab that help the next addict, or things that could be helpful for others who have depression or anxiety. I still want to continue my journey of HIV and just broaden that focus a little. I just am very grateful to have this chance to do as such.

     Life is full of miracles. Everything happens for a reason. The truth will set you free and love is always the answer. Be myself because I am singular but not unique. Focus and remember, that I am here for a reason. To tell my story and to help anyone who is willing to read, listen, and respond. 

    ✌🏽

2/26/24


Post XXXVII


 TRANSITION


     I talked about this in another post. How it is a weird transition to go from being around thirty men to only one. Even though the support I had was trusted with the brotherhood of rehab, now it lies with just one; my boyfriend. 

     Of course, that’s only true if I stick just to him. By that I mean not going to meetings, NA/AA. It’s weird because I find myself more involved with narcotics anonymous more than Alcoholics Anonymous. If I don’t go to meetings then I’ll only be secluded to my partner, but with the fellowships I have their support as well. 

     It’s crazy because right now I’m sitting in an AA meeting and someone is reading about finding friendships in Alcoholic anonymous. That’s such a weird coincidence that this is brought up when I am writing about a support fellowship. It’s all admit Unity. 

     I stopped writing this post two Saturdays ago. Right now, I am sitting at the library at the Mary Sue Rich Community Center. This is a place that I would come with the guys at rehab every Saturday. I continue to do such even though I am not in rehab anymore. Even though the guys that I knew are dwindling to an unrecognizable size, I still come. My old roommate is still in rehab and it is nice to see him and catch up with him once in a while. To hear the drama that has happened since I left and who is still there and who is not. The trivial situations that go on in those four walls are still ecstatically pleasing to hear. 

     Of course, I see the guys a lot when I am out. It's something that I am trying to adjust to the most. Being stuck in building with thirty men for three months is much different from living with one singular person. 

     There are about six days out of the week that I get to see the guys from rehab. On Sunday's its twice, church and NA. There is no chance to see them on Monday since they are stuck in the building that day. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday I get to see them either at AA or NA. Saturday's is another twice a day due to them going to the gym and the library: where we are now. 

     I really enjoy seeing them. It's like codependent thing. I am very fond of this time that I get with these guys and to see them changing every week, every day,. It's uplifting. Either seeing them  at the gym, a meeting, or even church is something that give me hope. That's something that we all need, hope that we can get better. That we can beat the disease of addiction. Together.

     It's been struggling though. To transition back into a normal life. I have had no motivation to do much. Like, I had no motivation to finish this blog post until right now, since I have the time to sit down alone and do it. I have no motivation to find a job, even though I have yet to look for one: but I did apply to two since being out of rehab. 

     I am a type of person that needs things a certain way un order to function. The apartment has yet to be finished. It's still a mess and there are things that are just sprawled out all over the place. I need things to be organized and in the right place. When that is down, I can feel serene and calm. I finally got all my Harry Potter Lego collection on the shelves, which was a hassle in the making. I had to fix them since they broke during the move from Orlando to Daytona, and then from there to Ocala. 

     Once things start to get more organized then I would feel calmer. I enjoy having my friends from rehab in my life, but I want other friends also. I miss my friends from Disney, and with that comes me missing my job. I want to apply again but I know that I have to have a job for at least six months to do so. It's to show that I can have a stable committed job and prove to Disney that I am accountable. 

     If Andrew was alright with me getting a part time job in Orlando at Disney then I would do such. I would ask him if I could, since we got a car, to drive that distance every day. The pay is good and the benefits are also decent. I really do miss working for the mouse. The environment is something that I learned within the seven years I was there. It was a protective place and it helped me learn so much about life and myself. I started that company as an extrovert, and I left being an Introvert. Yet, I am once again an extrovert but that's because of the drug addiction. I have trust issues, I don't want people close to me, and my life is safe when I know who I can trust. 

Change begins

at the end

of your

comfort zone.

     The thing with rehab is that it taught me to trust again. I started to trust the guys in the facility, the people in the rooms, and obviously trust enough to get into another relationship. To touch on that subject, the relationship, the rooms of AA and NA stat that a newcomer should not get into a relationship within the first year of your recovery. Obviously, I am someone that do not listen at all. I have been in a relationship since December 31st, and we are almost at the four month mark. I want to be that one that come back in a year of being clean and says, "See I did it."

     There are a lot of things that I dislike about the rooms. That is another post all together. And I will get to it. I want to write a post about that, and my perspective of the rooms have been. There are positive and negative sides to it. I will be very blunt about it and I really just want to get my thoughts about it out in the open. I am not one to share my thoughts in the rooms quite yet, because I see how they talk to others and I am very….what's the word they use, "Sensitive". 

     Back to the topic. The transition from rehab to normal life has been difficult. I wish I could fins a job. A job that I actually want to do. Not something that I just get thrusted into just because I have to make money. I want to either do a job or go back to school. I need to focus on doing my book. I have wrote a little since being out of rehab. I finished the chapter in my book titled Crash. With this chapter I started it back in July of 2022 and I did not touch it for almost a year and a half. I find that I get a lot of inspiration to write when I am at a meeting. I want to pull my phone out each time and just start going at it, but that's highly frowned upon.

     Unity. It's all about that in recovery, right? Finding the fellowship that you belong to. You can belong to Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Cocaine Anonymous, or even Darhma. Fellowship is defined as a friendly association, especially with people who share one's interests. That's what I find when I go to NA. I try to stay in that balance of NA, and I tend to not differ out of it beside church and Darhma, which is a Buddhist recovery group. 

     It's nice to know that at the end of the day that I have the support group that I wanted a year ago. I did not have the friends that cared enough about me to make sure that I was clean and in the well mind set. The people I have in my life nowadays care about me enough to make me know that when I go to bed that I am doing something well. I am being healthy and clean for myself, and others. This is what we all want at the end of the day, a longing for, and that is support.

Support for each other.

A fellowship of people.

Unity.

3/19/24

✌🏽