POST XXXVI

Published on 1 April 2024 at 17:24

A WEEK LATER


You

got a new

story to write. And it looks

nothing like your

past.

     I will try my best to write a frequently as I can. There are so many things that I have to do. I want to blog more, I missed my computer. I want to finish my book 1, which I wrote some last night while outside an AA meeting. Btw, I am a NA guy. I have been trying to organize the apartment, apply for jobs, be social, and make my boyfriend content with the change also. There is a lot on my plate, and I am only human. So bear with me. I am one, busy, tired man...

     I hope this post is good. I wrote it when I was waiting for Andrew to get off work the other night and I wanted to suppose him. Can I just say how nice it is to actually type things up with a flow of my fingers. It is a nice sensation and I would never want to give it up again if I had to. This is the one thing that I find relaxing and it the speed of my fingers clanking one the keyboard. Oh how I miss this bizarre feeling. I am so happy to be out of rehab. 

     SO HAPPY!

     It’s been a week since I left rehab. 7 days. It’s baffling to me that the week went by so fast. When I was in rehab the last week seemed to move at snail speed yet the first week out moved as fast as a lion pouncing on a gazelle. Of course, the thing you want most will take the longest time to get to you, and time moves fast when you actually have that thing.

     It’s such an odd sensation about being out in the world again. This life I have is different from the one I had before. Majorly different in a myriad of ways. I’m not high, I’m clean. I’m not tormented by my depression or anxiety, I’m on medication. I’m not broken hearted and alone, I’m loved and with the man I love. 

     It’s so crazy to have this fulfilling life. To have everything I begged for a year ago. I have the support from my family, friends, and lover. I have a balanced emotional, mental, physical, and sober life style. The only thing that is lackluster is my want or my need to write. 

     The transition from being around thirty men all day to being around only one and maybe a NA meeting (am going so don’t worry) is exponential. I had a place where people tolerated me just for who I was, positive parts and my defects. Now, those people are still in a controlled, safe area while I’m out in the world doing my best. 

     That’s what I’m trying to do at least. My best. I’m not trying, that’s a word I’m excluding from my narrative.  Because I want to do the best, there is no trying because if I try that means I’m not going to succeed and it gives leeway for not doing. If that makes any sense. So, I’m doing my best.

     I’ve been to 7 NA meetings, recovery church, and 1 AA meeting this week. That’s good. One of the NA meeting was an event where people came to speak and share their experiences. I’m starting to get my foot in the door here, a foot that’s not crutched by SMA and the rehabs help. I’m creating the bonds that will last and I am being an asset to the society that I want to be part of. 

     Traditions are the most important. Andrew and I have been going to breakfast at a corner diner. It's a really cute place and it's nice to be part of a a community or even something bigger than myself. The waitress's have remembered us, and get us our coffee. A small thing like that is what is going to help me on this new path. I've been checking out old video game stores, or collectables. I want to sell some of my Yu-Gi-OH cards, or anything else that I really don't need. I have clutched onto things that I do not really need in life. Life is about collecting memories, not things. Is that right?

     A refreshing sensation is when I ride the scooter to places. It zips nicely. I really enjoy feeling the air in my hair and the freshness wizzing past me. I have crashed twice. The first time was going from SMA from my medication review. I was honest about how I wanted to get off my sleeping pills. That don't really do anything for me anymore, I fall asleep at ease. That crash landed me a pretty wicked bruise, that is still there today, a week later. 

     The second crash was coming home from lunch with Andrew. I skidded across the road when taking a sharp turn. Cut my knees. hand, and arm a little. Cut's and bruises are the least of my problems when I am having a new reformed mind on life. I really enjoy this place. This town that I am in is calm, friendly, and serene. 

     I’ve been walking a lot. My legs are aching everyday I wake up. That’s good. I’m trying my best to get off my anxiety of social places, like the gym. I just can’t get over being in a room full of people and working out. Of course, they don’t care that I have no idea what I am doing but I don’t want to look like a fool. So in the mean time, I will just use the treadmill because of all the things I do best, I know how to walk. 

     I’m blessed. I’m blessed to have a good partner in my life. He helps me everyday realize that the life I have is loving and that there is so much happiness in the smaller moments. He makes me laugh, a lot. He is the opposite of me and very personable, something I could only be if I was working at Disney or partaking in my active addiction.

     I have a goal for my blog. I want to do posts that will focus around how I feel. Things I’ve learned in rehab that help the next addict, or things that could be helpful for others who have depression or anxiety. I still want to continue my journey of HIV and just broaden that focus a little. I just am very grateful to have this chance to do as such.

     Life is full of miracles. Everything happens for a reason. The truth will set you free and love is always the answer. Be myself because I am singular but not unique. Focus and remember, that I am here for a reason. To tell my story and to help anyone who is willing to read, listen, and respond. 

    ✌🏽

2/26/24


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