For Legal and Privacy concerns all names in these blogs have been changed. 


XXXI


Everything


     I am hanging here at my friends house, the one I have been staying ay all day… well the police and who ever are making it look like I am mentally crazy.  Oakley reminded me today hoe yo lock the doors, .and since ive been here the dogs have newer got out beside one time. Today three time and that is not like the dogs Oakley Has been fasting to make it look like that he doesnt smoke Tina. He does, and he has done this since the day we met. 

     I typed all this out and my phone froze. But there are times where Oakley says I didn't do anything, or when situations didn't happen. I have great memory and I am not wrong most of the time. He started off nice but has turned so twisted. He has got close to me to say to people that I'm the bad and crazy one. I am aware of the stuff I post.  I don't have much time left so.... I wish my life was different and not this psycho mess that's stringed by others. 

     Oakley ignores a lot of my defects. My sensory problem. He always put more noise on when I want no noise. When I'm uncomfortable he always brings home strangers and makes me so miserable. There is nothing I can do to make him understand how to recognize my anxiety. 

     What am I meant to do? I have always had the intuition that there was someone lingering around Oakley's house. And I was right. I have proof that there is someone there. Anyways, if I get arrested tonight based off anything I need you to know that everything was tampered with. How else would the police get evidence before they even know to arrest me? It's off. Everything a joint my entire last year is off. It's ass if I was just the puppett.

     Another thing that is so fantastic about this entire ordeal is that the cops harass me to no end. They will let others slide for what they do  when breaking the law, it for me, nope. Exiled. There is a thing that happens when I go from one place to another. The cops will follow me with their lights off. They do this a lot actually. A whole lot. What does the Port Orange Police Department have against me? 

     I'm starting to think they are just bored? They are infatuated with me? They have a grudge against me? Why waste so much money on me? Why am I so special to them? There are others do way worse shit that I am and why am I targeted?

     Now Oakley thinks I stole his drugs. Hee is throwing my stuff to the porch he said. He won't believe me. He won't take my answer as my given word and ended my friendship just like that.  He gave m a  second chance to tell the truth which is did. I had no part in stealing anything, and he did not like that response. 

     He has been super vindictive lately and it's not cool. What happened to the Oakley ai met all those months ago?

     Now, here I am. Sitting at Tom's house and in another trap. Once again, I have been lead astray and into the woods. The wolf in sheep's clothing is Tom this time and he always thinks I am just going thru a paranoia skit. A skit is fake yet seeing something and knowing is the truth. He does the "Deaf Game" a lot and he closes the door when he knows in all reality that I like to know what's going on around me. Right now it's killing me that I can't see out a window. 

     I need to get out of this circle of doom that I have created. I need to stop talking to this fake people that say they care about me yet they put me in danger. There are ones that copy my phone and have my information. They are the ones that get made at me for telling my truth and what I am expereienceing.

ne crazy when I know that something is going on.. And of course, I think Tucker is behind it all. 

     Yet, my feelings for him do not change in the slightest. 

     I just overheard Tom talking to a client on the phone about how she works in a basement. That sounds to me like Oakleys house. Theres this thing. Sop, If a person doesn't knock where I can hear them, they they don't exist. If someone is trying to get my attention and once again it's in a slight whisper, I am not going to pay them any mind  at all. If my fake friends say they do not hear it, then so do I. 

     I still can't wrap my head around how authority figures can waste all this money on just one person. Tom does this thing where he coughs and he is trying to block out any sounds., it's adorable. The wall I am leaning one is shaking.. Sometimes the shaking is me beause my nerves but other timed it's the foundation and structure. There is no way that my old apartment, my moms house, Oakleys house, and now Tom's house just oddly shake. 

     The Police Department of anywhere is corrupt. They have to use negative tactics to get people. Is the crime rate so low that you have to create crimes within your own doing> That is the only thing that makes sense now. Why me? Petty drug use. Big Deal. I have done so little in this life, yet I want to do so much more. If you have to blame anyone on the mental health state that I current have, you can blame the Police Departments of the cities I lived in. 

     Or you can blame the health department. Back in my very bad paranoia days I had this theory that anyone with HIV was in a cult. The health department and the HIV cult were working together to make sure that I was strong enough to be part of the community. is that so funny to even think about? Like, who am I Alli Mayfair-Richards from American Horror Story: Cult

     The answer is yes, yes I am. 

     I think it is also weird that these people that I associate myself with don't do anything really. It's all mundane bullshit. Walk around, scroll on phone, sit, and the best of them all: have a dog. Every Tina user I have met has had a dog. Every single one! I want a dog. I have wanted once since the beginning of this year. 

     You know what, since my phone gets clones a lot and all my information get leaked to others. Whatever the authorites try to say I did, which I didn't do. I have no drugs, I have nothing to my name right now. It could have easily been one of these losers that think they are slick. When my phone does get cloned or whatever, it turns all fizzy., the screen I mean. 

     These games and tricks that are used are unfathomable. It's like cheating at UNO or Gold Fish. All this stress that they have me go through will bring on a heart attack soon. I hope it does because at least then I will have suffered something tragic beside  There is something off topic, well two things. False peepholes and my friends fake jobs. 

     My friends that smoke the drug in Port Orange area have fake jobs. Either they have fake jobs, or have real jobs yet they are working for the police. Like Oakley, he works at a restaurant,, yet he always has time to be on his phone and be on the gay hook up apps. Then there is Tom who works for the healthcare department and make sure people are taking their pills. But In reality, what if he is in the same boat as Oakley. 

     False Peepholes are the next best thing. There are some places I go to and the doors have weird peepholes. It's like a reversed microscope glass. When I look at the hole from far away I can see more images. When I look close up as it is intended, then I can't see anything. This is the weirdest thing I have experienced in my life, and I've seen some weird things. 

     The entire point of this post that everything is not what it seams. Friends that aided you when you were down could have been the ones that were the reason you were there in the first place. And as I am typing this I noticed that Tom is talking to someone on the phone and calling him sir. It could just be me leaping to any reason to make things not real, but here I am. 
     The last note I am going to go with is what Oakley said to me. He said I would never kick my drug habit and I will be doing it till the day I die. My teeth would be gone, and I would be just like the rest of them. But that piece of shit needs to realize he has no IDEA who I am. I will kick this drug addiction and I will make sure my life is better than this when I am close to 60. 
     I am the only one that can say if I will have a bad future. 
     Me.
     11.2.23
     ✌🏽

XXXII


Why Can't I?


   It started when I was looking over the lake behind Tom's house. I saw many cop cars in the darkness. I said nothing because they would just roll their eyes. Yeah, you bet. It's a fucking TRAP! I had no part of any of this shit that happened. Tom bought a lot of stuff and I should have known something odd was up when him, his ex, and his friend started talking about police raids. 

     This is moronic. I can not live this life anymore. Yes, the sex part is decent when I smoke, but the people, situations, and the ordeals that the stress comes with. This is the last straw, my last straw, my last. It has to be, if I do not stop I will be in a place I DO NOT WANT TO BE. I rather be not me, not here, not anywhere that involves the life I have. Just to clarify, I would never, in a million years KILL myself. I will never do that!

     Fuck this entire situation that I am in. Why am I the only exception? Why can everyone else in Port Orange and Daytona Beach get to get high and get drugs yet I am not allowed. This is singling me out and how is that lawful? There were other people in that house that were smoking. They played the buyer role really well in front of me, yet I never bought anything from Tom. He sold to every single person there beside me. and I thought that it was off. He is not a good person, and is a fucking fake. 

     That was two days ago almost, or maybe a day and a half. I spent the night last night at a hotel. I passed out instantly when I got there. SO, there were no drugs involved in my night. Thank the maker. I spent most of today walking around, charging my phone,, and thinking about a lot of things in my life, and that change starts with me. and the actions that I make. I can not blame anyone but myself.. 

     I'm at the library just trying to charge my phone and my computer. These two things have been dead repeatedly. I have idea how long I can keep going like this until I finally break. I know that I said my mentality is withering away the other day, but that was because my mind was not clear. It is still not functioning like it normally would do. My main thinking process is that I think everyone is out to get me and that everyone is lying about something. 

     That could be a me thing. Something that is wrong with me but I project it out into the world onto others. I know I am not the most angelic person in the world. I have made some pretty terrible choice the last few years, I have told some lies, screwed people over, and just gave zero fucks about what other people wanted. There has also been timed where I have dropped everything for someone, who would have never done it for me. 

     So, I am at the library sitting here and there was a raccoon in a tree. That's how uneventful my life is right now because I am typing about a raccoon and not the idea that I think that most of these people in here are not here for library  purposes. I wonder how Aileen Wuornos stayed out of the public eye for so long while committing crimes. She was notorious around Daytona Beach and yet it took the authorities one entire year to find her. 

     Switching subjects for a second. I want to go back to the other night at Tom's house. I brought up the camera thing and he said it was in my head. How can something that I saw on his driveway camera be in my head? I know that I have been on this entire rant about how I am targeted by the police. It could be the truth, it could be semi-truthful, but I know for a fact that I am not wrong. I could be overly dramatic about the situation, but why waste time, effort, and money to chase me around during my scheming, 

     I have had theories about all this since the beginning, when Tucker was involved. I have mentioned the theories before: The Authorities, A Narsassistic Family Cult, The Meth Mob, and even the Health Department. These all dwindled as time went on and on but the two that stood the stand of time was The Meth Mob (lol) and the Police and Healthcare. 

     I would have never considered something like Tree People to be to be a thing. I can recall when Clyde was standing on my apartment balcon, smoking a cigarette, and he basically asked me if I saw them. I laughed when he said that because addicts only ever talked about Shadow People. These other people were so new to me, and I thought it was a joke until a few days after when I was in Clydes hotel room starring at a tree person.

     It's baffles my mind that something that someone can say can turn into a reality. I once told someone that I disliked skulls because it haunted me about death. Then I meat Oakley, who had his house decorated in them. The thing that I say will be manifested because who ever is in control of this crap as story makes it do so. I am not in control of many of the things that are happening to me. I am in control of the bad decisions tI make.

     The library is closing soon and I need to figure out my next move. I will be seeing Oakley tonight to discuss things with him, but other than that I have nothing happening. Who know, this might be the last thing I type for a while, it could be. I don't know much about what my future holds, but I do know that whatever road it takes, I am going to have to suffer. I want to walk around the lake one time to ponder my thoughts and just get a calm sensation before something happens. I know now that I dislike extremely quiet places, not as much as I hate a place with loud ass air conditioning. 

     I hope I get to blog more. We will see...

   It was just my anxieties gettin the best of me. I really want two know why my brain does what it does. There has to be a logical explanation for that, and before anyone that does read this, it's drugs. Most definitely...

     I have been sitting on Oakley's steps since around 7:30 and it is now ten. He should be getting here soon-ish and then we talk. I made a small list of what I want to talk to him about. The first thing is how I appreciate him and how gracious I am for him letting me stay at his place when I had no where to go. He really did not have to do that, but he did..

     The second thins is to ask him what I stole. I can not think of anything, If it is the shoes that I am wearing then that is not stolen he basically gave them to me. If he does think I stole them then I will give them right back to him. I do not want him to think that I would do such things. I would never do steal from someone that opened their home to me. That would be an awful thing to do. 

     The third thing that I wanna discuss with him is if he will forgive me. I don't see why I have to do such a thing like that and ask him. Her is the one that said all the horrible things to me. He called me a whore. He said that I did not carte about anything and that I had no respect. He said my entire self being revolved around drugs and that's all I do is get high: and that I would have no teeth one day and be just like all the others addicts out there. 

     Yet I will grovel and apologize for the "mess" that I created.. All my life I had to be the bigger person and make amends to peopler. If someone did wrong by me out hurt me in any way I would have to be the one that went up and fixed the situation. I have been doing it ever since I could talk, and to be frank, I am tired of it. I need to learn to walk away. I need to learn that sometimes there is no greener pasture. Sometimes I need to learn the lesson at bay and just say FUCK YOU and your delusional self worth.

     But I can't do that this time. Why not? Because I do value Oakley. I do want him to understand that I would never bite off the hand that fed me. One day I will pay him back for all the generosity that he lent out and I will make sure that he knows that he is worth of something. Even if I did nothing wrong. I hope he lets me stay tonight because it's kind of cold out and I have no place to go. I do not want to walk around the streets, nor have to be confronted by a police officer. I just want to grab my sTuff and sleep. Is that too much to ask for?

     For Oakley, it probably is. 

     I have this awful sensation that he is going to betray me again and call the cops. I have no idea why he would do that or what he would gain from something so petty. It just seems like something he would do to get spiteful vengeance against me. I know that I have been that way and I am trying in all my glory and power to be someone that I wasn't;t before all this mess. I don't want to fuck up his life nor do I want to go further down the drain on my own.

     My mom told me tonight that it would be alright if I left Florida. I've been contemplating it since this entire failed drug test thing. I have no idea if it talked about it here but since I failed my UA I have to go to jail. I don't want to do that at all. I will be mentally destroyed if I go back to that shit hole place and I am almost to the point where I have no care for anything. So, for the last two weeks I have been hiding out and getting high. I know that doesn't sound spectacular but I rather be like this than controlled by people that have a fucked up system to make audits and ruin lives. 

     Where would I go? Everything tells me to go to a family members place somewhere. But, should I? it weed be super hard for me to just forget about this life I have. I would want to start over and to do that I would have to haver a new name. How hard is it to come up with money, change your identify, and be someone new? Joe did it in YOU, so why can't I?

     The talk that I had with Oakley was a good one. He had me crying and realizing that this is not the life I want. Even though I do not want to go to jail, I don't want to be homeless either. I want a few days to think about things and get things in order if I do turn myself in. Everyone is right though, I am talented. I am a good writer. 

     There is character in my life that I have yet to establish in here, and his name is Jay Mister. I trusted him enough to do me a favor and he did not do that. He ended up stealing from me and from Oakley. I know I am a drug addict, but I am not junkie. I would never steal another person's drugs. I would scrap from a pipe and use that rather than steal fresh stuff. 

     I was looking forward to get off all of my worries off of me yesterday when I was let back into Oakley's house, but to find out that Joey stole that away from me ruined my mood. If I do go to jail, I want to be as high as a kite from that Mary Poppin's song, Let's Go Fly A Kite. I am going to end this post with how I felt before I passed out sitting up last night. I felt angry that I put trust into Jay. I felt gratitude for Oakley letting me stay here.

But overall,

I felt lost and that I wish I could recognize myself in a mirror. 

11.4.23

✌🏽


XXXIII


Twirl Little Red Flag


     I am no longer the user in the constant life of an addict. I am the rig. I am constantly filled, smoked, then empty. It's a never ending cycle of torture. Why do I constantly go through it? Because that's just who I am. I am an addict, made by another addict who tried to warn me of the life. 

     I am at the point where I want to stop, I do. But there is alway the need to keep going. I've done rehab, I've done detox, I've done the consult friends and family to get help. It doesn't work. All it does is send me into a further darkness of helplessness. I have not a single person here in Daytona that understands what I am going through. I miss Orlando and the connections I made when I lived there. I miss it a lot, but I can never go back...

     I am a different type of addict. There are the ones that will break the law to get the drugs that they need. There are the ones that will sell their bodies and do unjust deeds to get what they want. There are other who will steal from friends and break the bonds to get their hands on drugs.

     I would rather wither away than steal from my friends. I would never break into anyones house to get possessions to sell for drugs. I am too conscious to do something of that nature. I have a soul, a good one at that. When people in the store look at me and judge me based on the scratches on my body, it makes me want to scream. Why judge someone based off that? You know why, it's because the human race as a whole are disgusting people. 

     I just found out that my cousin, the one that I might go stay with if I leave this state, reads my blog now. She will not want me to come when she gets all caught up. She made a deal with me before I went to jail that she would let me live with her. But, since I have yet to stop doing drugs, I bet she will say no. I will be willing to end this usage if she lets me, but will she after finding out how far gone I am? 

     A few blog posts ago I know that I stated that I would never stop doing what I am doing. Of course, I will if it means getting a better life. I would stop using hard drugs, I would be better, and I would calm my life down. The high is not worth not having loved ones, friends, or a stable life. I want that…I really do.

     I promise that most of my post are not all about drugs. I know that it seems like they are. I remember a time when this blog was going to be about my HIV journey. It was never meant to be focused around Tucker, around drugs, or about anything to be honest. I just want to get it all out, the real and nasty stuff that my life has become. What has my life become...

     There are times when I find myself starring off into space thinking about when my life turned toward the worst. I can say it was when Disney let me go, or when I broke up with Darren, or maybe it was when I smoked my first pipe. It could have been anything of that, no one can really know. Of course, many will debate and speculate when my life took the spiral turn. But in reality, only I can say when it did. 

     Where I am now in my life is not where I thought I would be. I thought I was going to be published by now. I had no idea that I would be heart broken over a guy that I would have never even crossed paths with. I would have never thought I would be in the predicament that I am in now. I am further from where I thought I would be and with all honesty, that kills me. 

     I am dying over here, slowly. I am literally killing myself every day with the fact that I am living my worst nightmare. I was afraid to ever be in jail and look at that, I accomplished that. My life is basically the song by Halsey, Nightmare or you could say it's the song Graveyard. I want to focus my passion back to Twitter and Onlyfans. I want to do something that I was doing before the world of Tina took over. Here I go again, talking about drugs. -twirls little red flag- 🚩

     I want to just end this blog post by saying that half the day I want to cry my eyes out. I am very thankful for the people I have in my life. I am thankful that my mom is still here supporting me after all the stress that I have put her through. I am thankful for my best friends that have shelled money out to help me do stupid ass shit. I want to thank one person in particular, and I know that I put him through a lot in the short amount of time I have known him. Thank you Oakley. Thank you for opening your home to me, for letting me vent to you, cry on your shoulder, and just being a menace to your life. Nobody has to ever endure this and I just want you to know I cherish your existence more than anything right now. I love you. 

     I need to stop wasting time. I need to figure out what to do in then ext few days. I need to focus on my book and get the last few chapters typed. I need to come up with a way to make some money. I need to control my drug habit. I need to listen to other people and stop thinking I know the best thing. I need rio do the next right thing. I need to…I need to breathe. 

I'll get it right.

11.5.23

✌🏽