For Legal and Privacy concerns all names in these blogs have been changed. 



XXVII


Hey, It's Hannah Baker.


            Hey, It’s Hannah. Hannah Baker. 

     I am just joking. It’s me, Aiden. I was going to write about my new job. I got a job at the movie theater. I think it’s crazy that I finally fulfilled my teenage dream job. It’s bizarre also that I got employed right as Taylor Swift Era’s Tour movie released. Two things in one, my lucky day.

     I will write a quick blurb about my time here at Regal Theaters. It’s great. The job is easy, and it’s not too busy nor to slow. I handle food: Popcorn, pretzels, hot dogs. The favorite part of the job is Ushering. That’s when I get to clean the theater and make sure that nothing odd is happening.

     The people there are pretty chill. They are very helpful at the job. I am not a person that knows how to cook, not at all. So, I will forget due to my anxiety.  It is not something that I will grasp onto easily at all. In one ear and out the other. No matter who is trying to teach me to cook, I can never grasp it. I know, I am such a lucky person to have in your life: take me home to mom.

     My sense of humor is the only thing that gets me by day by day. That is the only way I can handle all this mess that I created. My life was once so nice. So many reasons to wake up in the morning. Now I have 13 reasons why I don’t even care to wake up to the day.

     I am super glad I got a job. Tucker told me that I would not be depressed if I had one. But guess what, I still am. I am not depressed enough to end my life, and I will never be to that extent. I just want what I had back. I want my freedom; I want my independence. I do not want to be floating day by day. I don’t want to be held down by a preverbal clown waiting to be drowned in a sewer. I hope you enjoyed that line.

     My life is all about coincidences now. Like how is it that I work at a movie theater with a girl with the name Hannah Baker. How is this real life now? Am I in a fucked-up TV show where I am the main character. Center stage, all eyes on me.

     I want to believe that that is not the reality of what I am going through. Nobody wants to be the center of attention. Yes, I do like attention: but from someone I love. Someone that is meant to be there for me and support me. Not from people who watch me to make mistakes and take my life deeper and deeper into a monstrosity.

     I am on season thirty-one of my life. This year has been one of the turning points and I think that I need to figure out what cliffhanger to leave this chapter on. Last year I was all alone for my birthday, thinking that my apartment was going to burn down, and that a meth mafia was after me. This year it will be different; I will not be alone, and I will make sure that I am not doing drugs.

     I never want to experience a birthday where I am all alone and stressing mentally. That was something that I do not wish on anyone. I want to be back to where I was when I was turning thirty. To be honest, I want to be back before I met Benny. When I was twenty-four, before I did meth for the first time.

     You know, back then there was a time when my sister and I lived together. She was dating a guy named Nashville and we always thought that the police that patrolled our house was there for him. But in all the stuff that happened lately to me, what if they were scouting me out…

     These are the things that I think about. Even sober. I always feel like I’m being watched or targeted. I think the worst thing that I could have done in my life was honest about my using. I feel like, after that moment things have went to the horrible side. My time since that honest moment has made me feel like every step I took has been monitored. Many people say that it has been paranoia, but there are times that I have not used, and I have felt stalked.

     All these strange occurrences have been bizarre. There are times where I am going to hang out with people and Tucker texts me. He won’t be texting me for days then out of the blue in the middle of the night he asks me what I am doing. All he does is play mental games with me. He doesn’t care for me at all, and it is time for me to move on from him. He is not good for me, nor is he good for anyone.

     Yes, I gave him my all. My life was his for the taken, but I need to close this chapter of my life. I need to move on. I need to be free from the temptation that I give to him There is a better world out there without the Tucker’s of the world. One where drugs do not over stimulate my life.

     I have a job at a movie theater. I am sort of seeing a guy who I actually like and care about. There is a future out there for me that I did not see for a long time. I have my book to work on and I have so many people rooting for me.

     So, why do am I still jeopardizing it by wanting to do drugs. For wanting to be with a person that made me into who I am now. Why do I want to live a life of always watching my back and not knowing who is following me? Why would I want this? Why do I constantly make myself go down the same pathways that many have walked before me and told me the destination.

     The only exit scenarios are Jails, Institutions, or death. I do not want to go back to jail. I do not want to go to an asylum or a rehab again. I do not want to die. There is a world out there for me. I have a future and it is so bright. I want to publish my book. I want to be someone that nobody can see coming. I want to be a force to be reckoned with.

            I want all my dreams to come true.

            They will come true.

10.17.23

✌🏽


XXVIII


Circle the drain


     Well here I am. The circle the drain part of my life has come to be. The water is all flushed out and there is nothing stopping it. Why am I even here in the first place? The directions I have got myself in. All the thoughts I came up with and the last one was not the right move.

I’m left with barely anything. Things are dwindling day by day. The friends I have made are not the long run kind of friends. They are part of the people that I need to get away from. Yet, they are the ones that will teach you the valuable lessons in life..

    Conform.

    I have been misled from who I was, or who I wanted to be. All my instincts have been miscued. Things are often covered up by a force higher. I do promise that all my reality is your reality. Things do happen on their own and there are somethings that are done behind closed doors and zipped mouths.

    How far does the water have to go before it is out of the drain? It is as if I’m pulled by my surroundings and I’m not in control of it. To explain, I can be offered a way and if I go with it, it splits into two more hardships  Either be seen acknowledging the issue, you can do this thing but here are all the things that will set off your paranoia, so you go with the left of the fork in the road.

    You want to go down the path of everything you want.. One person is telling you that nothing is wrong and then the other sided person is telling you it is all practical. The good choice but it's being covered up by leaves, to help you not aware of the danger of the deep hole. It's the right thing to do to be taught to never do it again. But then, you are who you are and you will continue to do its until the third time taking that road. 

    Someone you met for the first time, yet they know everything about you. He knows what your triggers are, what will make you do things. He makes you do all the things that make you question reality. That you go further down the sewer than before. your word, your actions, and you credibility is no longer take value. 

    I try so hard to listen to what I hear. Yet the person holding up the good road sign is halting me from doing so. I need quiet to hear, and people think they always have to make louder noises. For what purpose? Does the music have to be blaring, do all the fans have to be on, do you have to be moving things around all day pretending to make noise to make me think my worse fear is actually happening?

     Is danger really out there or is  it being controlled to look like it. There are people that would leak all you personal information. I don't want to be told that nothing can be heard other than the music, when in reality there is more. I am never in control of the path I get because no matter what, it is rigged. There are people making sure bad things are happening to you, because they know what choices you will make. 

    How do theses people get away with it?  It make no sense to me. How can one that is meant to help you also make things the worst? Controlled and created trauma is not a good tactic to make someone learn something. Leading another human down a falsetto path with dangers and deceit. How is it possible for a friend to make an image and say it's how you see it to your face, but to others he tells them the opposite. They get close to you so their words matches the audio, vizual, and representation of their created chaos. 

     By now, you would understand that I am to far deep into this. I spent two days in Orlando. There was a group of cars that would maintain watch over me. They made their presence known to me by lingering around stop signs, chilling on the side of the road, making U turns over and over again. I call thee the "Aiden Mess-Meth Patrol", because they create the chaos inside my brain. 

     These task forces are made up of two, maybe three. The first is the community one. They cover the car patrol, the pedestrian  crowd, and the friends/family. Then there is the drug one. This group maintains focus inside the worlds of drugs and sex. They have to make sure that the undesirable ones make the choices that need to be made. To steer someone like me in risqué positions. The third group is the enforcement. Which is case in point: the police, the health care workers, and the officials that make the scenes actionable. 

     The drain is clogged right now. I have ambitions and I have goals to accomplish. Yet, I just don't want to get the plunger to unclogged the bubble weave of problems.  My mental health is on the brink of collapsing, yet my brain is extremely powerful. I am aware of the disposition of my actions and choice. I am not proud of a lot of the thing that spun from my dishes. Yet, why do I still do the things that cause harm to others?

     Can I be changed from what I am? Or who I am? The things I have created can not be unchanged, but can they be forgiven. Will the people that have had an impact on these choices be able to let me be forgiven? No amount of me saying sorry can be appeased. How will I manage to be brave enough to look them in the face and confess my deepest flaws? Will they even?

     My life has became unmanageable.  There are two parts of me. One part is the side of me that says flee and never look back. The second part of me is telling me to muster up the courage to do the right thing. Face your problems and get things done. I will do the next right thing only if I know the effects and worthy outcome.

     I am currently Anna from Frozen Two. lost in the woods, not knowing what to do. Yet I can express myself and go closer to the unknown like Elsa. To do the next right thing is to go to.a sober living, kick this drug habit, and become a new me. A better me, a snow queen or even a leading queen of a kingdom. My goal in this life is to a published  author, but can I move past my Stephen King phase to come an icon.; an inspiration.

     I asked someone the other day why have I been gifted with a myriad of out's and chances? What do I haver to give to this life than the next best man?The only thing I have is my strong mind of imagination and my writing. Is that its? Is my writing so special to keep me on the right and narrow? Is that the key that is needed to open the doors to a world of notoriousness. 

     Either I go down the drain farther or I refill the bathtub. If I add new water I will float above all this mess. I do not want to be at the part where I do not recognize myself anymore. I know who I want to be, and I see that person in the mirror everyday. I want my family around me, I want friends to have for a lifetime, and I want a legacy I can leave behind when I die of old age.

     What is my next step? What do I do? I know what I want and don't want. I don't want to be locked away until a decision is made of my future. I want access to my vices, even though some are. brutal and harmful. The idea of becoming a new version of me, not a variant but a completely new person. No more Aiden or other names that I go by, but something new. Get published under my new alias. Be anew person all together.

     Here are a few things that get to me when I hang out with people. They play the game of hide the view from me. There will be times I am looking at something of grave importance to me yet it's your mission to come between me and the view. Or the name game. That is when you literally forget the name of a person, a place, or a thing and make me say it so I can confirm the information. Another is let's make louder noises to block the important ones from being heard. these tactics are the ones that do when I am trying to focus..

     Like who changes their door locks at 11:46 at night? 

     If stay here to be this hollow shell of myself then I have to be me. I have to deal with the repercussions of my actions and choices. I have to get sober and stay sober. I would get the person of my dreams and  the love of my life. I will get the goal accomplished and be published. I'll have my family, around, actually around. If I don't do this then I will lose all of that, right?

      I wish I can have the reality of both lives. One with my vices and one with my pleasures. Each are not the same: one brings out happiness and the other brings out chaos. I want a life of it all. I want it all and I want it my way. I want to do things the way I want, but I will do it through being polite and nice. I will never let my good heart be diminished. 

     That's real;ly all I have left. All my material things are not with me anymore. This "Holiday In Vienna" will soon come to. an end. I will not be watching the water ways of the city nor will I be walking the historic paths. I have to give up this life for a new one. I will need to go offline until I can bleak myself in without anyone noticing. New hair. New life. New Me. Who will I become? What will I do in this new life? Where will I go?

"Experience has made me rich, and now they are after me.

-Madonna

10.25.23

✌🏽


XXIX


Safe Place


     Here I go. So the tactics of the Port Orange Police Department or anything else of that magnitude is corrupt. I know that I am not the best looking person in the world.  I know that sometimes white lies come from my mouth. I know that This iw all my outlook of life and not yours. But I swear on my grandfathers deathbed, I have been harassed by the Port Orange Police Department for months.

     I have major trust issues when it comes to new people. I have trust issues beyond anything else. I do not trust the new person in the room. I do not trust places I have yet to go to. I am who I am and I am damaged.

     I am terrified to meet anyone new. Not knowing what they want with their intentions. Am I actually someone that people wanna be around or am I someone that is kept close by as a token or winning trophy. Even the nicest guy I have met has turned out to play the wicked card game. Every single person is deceitful. They only keep me around to gain whatever benefit it is that comes with being the disappointment of me. 

     I scared of the night. The darkness holds a myriad of unknown dangers. To top it off I can barley see in the dark without my glasses. I am afraid of people. I am afraid that everyone will out up a false curtain to my eyes. Why would people that I call friends do anything like this? but is that my mind, telling me to not believe anyone.

     My people skills have gone so far south. Since the Disney days I have not been the same. People take me for granted, and they think that I am a dumb person. I am stupid, but not stupid like dunce cap. I make the same stupid mistake over and over again: like talking  to Tucker, No matter what I do or say to him  it will not change that we are not together. I need to face the fact, that he was a big lesson that I won't learn..

     How can it be legal to be walked into a scene that you have no control over. Just like may last post and how I explained controlled situations. How is it lawful  for anyone to do? Entrap? That's like setting the mouse up for failure and not letting him have the cheese after a good task well done. It's preposterous.      

     I know that what I am going through is unmoral. Making someone believe a certain thing for almost an entire year. Turning someone credibility around and making people not believe their word.  They have no face value because they have been lead strayed  The ones that  I got close to changed the narrative of my life. Some said that i had trust issues before I actually had them. There were others said that I was mean my entire life, which makes it not good in day to day life now,. 

     I miss the me that was kind hearted. Working in Orlando for seven years gave me a  chance to mold myself in to a version that I wanted to be. I turned from vile, destructive Aiden to a helpful, nice centric one. I had to be that kind of person when I worked at the magical place on earth. If I could do a massive transformation then that means you can do this.

     I am so over this set up. I am so over people making me look like someone bad.  MY friend Oakley smoked earlier, as I did not want to. And now he is with some guy who he fooling around after he says he can't do that. Well he says that I am the one smoking in the bathroom, yet I turned on the fan. It smelled like an old air heater when you turn it on for the first time in the winter. Oakley says this is a safe place, yet it is far from that with the vibes he has been sending out lately. 

    I don' want interactions that much. People give me anxiety. Places give me anxiety. Situations give me anxiety. I dislike this situation I am in right now. I am at the lowest part of the drain. I want my life to be better. I feel like I am always on this grind of a state of anxious and unhappy.. There has to be more to life than this.

     Off topic, and I think I hav mentioned it before. The games or tactics that the meth heads play to keep a distraction. Glass maker, Instant Sleep, I'm deaf, and the best is Activate Paranoia. Glass mirror is when a person tries to objectify someone' line of sight. Instant Sleep is when someone is awake one second and then plays asleep so it looks like they have no idea what was going on around then. The deaf factor is when you say you don't hear something that someone else hears, acting as if you didn't hear it. The last one is crucial, it's active paranoid: which a person does all the triggers for you to be paranoid, 

     I know thst I am not a upbeat, happy person, I am running from my demons and I need to face them. I need to make a safe place for my soul, I need to make amends, and I need to do better. 

     I don't wanna feel as though I'm a burden. Thst I need to be carried. I wanna be happy, I wanna cry and someone actually cares. I don't want someone to be fake to my face and slither to the weeds. I want pure, honest, love. Will I get we get it?

goodbye aiden, because it'll be a long time before I feel like myself again.

10.29.23

✌🏽


XXX


Trap House...


     It's ironic that this post is called what it is after the last one was called Safe Place.. Everything comes together eventually, and I will always see the light coming from the smallest crevice. The shadows of these demons are always coming to me at night.

    Before I get on the subject I want to write about I want to discuss my emotional state. I know that I seem to come off content and gone, but deep down I'm far from it. I am broken. I am heart broken, I am devastated, and my moods are reckless. The things I want in my life are not what I have right now. I don't have the guy I am in love with, others say that it's an obsession, but when you feel a strong connection then is it that?

     I know that I barley cry anymore, but when I was with Tucker I cried every fucking day. Sometimes it was from anger, sometimes it was from him leaving. I never once gave alligator tears when I was with him. He made me feel raw emotions until the day I saw him last. I just had a feeling of despair wash over me when I saw his last Facebook post. He doesn't''t post much, but it was one asking for a hug. He gives the best damn hugs in this universe. That;'s one thing that made me fall in love with him. 

     Vulnerable was the man factor with him. When he and I first met I saw something I had not seen in a long time, hope. He brought that back for me. He made me feel content with the life I what, even when I was jobless and losing it all day by day. He calmed the fucking storm that I created. Yet, the storm did not pass, it lingered and I was in the eye of it all. 

    Through the high times and the times of him and I not seeing each other, my feelings for him have always been the same. When  was in Orlando last weekend he and I saw each other for the first time since June. He looked as if he stepped out of one of the pictures we took when we were together. I tried so hard not to make eye contact with him because if I did I would have bawled  my eyes out. When he dropped me off at the location I wanted to go he gave me a fantastic hug. That is the only thing that has kept me together these last few days. 

     A hug has made me feel like the reality I live is tolerable. It's not though. I would not want anyone have to live the life I am living right now. If I could just escape  or runaway with Tucker for the weekend I would then I would give in. Iw Ould give into my mom's decision and just do what she wants. But I would only do that choice iff I get to have one more weekend with Tucker and just not have a care run the world. None at all, which is the point of it all.

     Isn't it?

     Is the high worth all the pain? When the shoe finally drops will I erupt? will I turn into a volcano that plummets it's lava spew all over the town and kill everyone? Will it be worth it then, at the end of my visualization of the yellow brick road???

     The yellow brick road leads to where I am now. A trapped house with no future that I have no control of. There is no Emerald City at the end of this journey. There is no wish to go home when I meet the wizard. No hot air balloon that will take me back to a reality that was existing before all this mess. 

     I know why they are called Trap Houses now. Because that is where the ring leader brings in the people to trap them. The ring leader of this house is someone that I thought I could trust and befriend. We watched my favorite category of movie, Horror…pause. I am so distracted by the ring leader that I have no time to focus. He is so "funny" that it's not a joke

     The funny thing is when druggies play the "where is it game". They say they lost their bag of stuff and go on a rampage to look for it. even though they know where it was the entire time. Like, what a hell of a game. It's also like when someone else made me clean his kitchen, to make me look like I was high as hell when in reality I was not even remotely close.

     The place I have been staying at is a very old abode. There are doors that lead to the inside of the walls of this house. There is even a cellar., which is odd for a house in this state. I hear strange noises from time to time. There are some that make no fucking sense. Like when I am the only one inside and I hear a loud bang from the upstairs. I really do not want to write about this trap house anymore.

     I am fucking tired. I am so far gone that I have no ambition to come back. Things set me off to a dark place in my mind where I just dislike. How does one cope with all this disfunction and unsettling nerves? The answer came from Tucker actually, and his response was drugs. So, I relentlessly chase that. I don't get the rush of serotonin anymore. That went away when the paranoia set in.

     People say that I need to swap the drugs out for something else. It sounds so easy, but it's far from that. I know that when I get published that will be the best high I will ever get. It will beat the high from any drug or and sensation. I just wish I could reverse time, back before all this. 

    oh well...

10/30/23

✌🏽