For Legal and Privacy concerns all names in these blogs have been changed. 


XXIV


There Are Worse Things I can Do...


     Grease is the word. I have no idea why There Are Worst Things I Can Do popped in my head when i woke up this morning, But it was. I fell asleep thinking of something not so good for my mental health. It was a thought of him. I think I am going to stop saying his name. I remember Will telling me that I should never say my ex's name. That was the way that I would get over him. 

 

"Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself"?

Hermione Granger

 

     Glee did the song justice when they did the Grease tribute in season 4, or was it five. I think it was 4. I loved it because we got There are Wrose Things I Can Do and Hopelessly Devoted To You. Those two songs were my anthem when I lived in Iowa. That was a crazy time in my life. Nothing. Nowhere. Nothing but meth and corn. I swear, how did I make it out of that state without trying that drug there for the first time. Only I would be able to avoid danger and stuff like that. I have a good biill of health, and I am not even thirty two yet.

     I have not tossed my life away like most of the old people that I hang out with, Every single person that I spent most of 2022 with and that  bleed into 2023 were people that have been in jail. I have been so lucky

     I was a confident person, strong, well minded, independent, and willing. I am all those things still but I am battered and. damaged. My trust issues are blown, I doubt everyone, and I can't even see a Honda without checking the license plate. When a friend told me that he has a friend in town from Orlando, I thought of my ex instantly. When will i go one hour without thinking of him?
     I want to one day do an entire post about my fascination with the show Glee and the songs that are played on that. There are so many layers to that that I can do. I could do a post about the songs themselves, or the charcters and the songs that they sing. There is or has to be a essay that i can write and get it published. Oh, i was a huge Gleek and to prove such a feat, my first tattoo is the mottto of Vocal Adrenaline.  Aut Neca Aut Necatus Eris which means "Murder or be murdered". 

     When I told my old manager from Universal that she was so in awe. She made a small joke about how she did not know that the company hired thugs. Of course they do, i was a fucking game warden for Jurassic Park. And I saw the fucking movie, and I read the book. I was not going to let any Dinosaurs getting out, not even if it was Tiffany the T-rex. FUCK THAT.

     I miss working there. I made the best friend there, and it was Daphne. The day that she met me I was the one that was lucky, The first real memoy I had of her was when shew as walking from the break area, past unload, then on her way to spillway. Typically that was where the T-Rex escaped, every freaking time. It was like every seven minutes, every…single…time. Maybe Daphne could have saved the day this time…. maybe. But we had a small conversation about tv shows and alcohol. That was when we planned to have a meet up with both things. 

     I wonder if I can find that picture of t he night we first spent time together. We got drunk off a game we created, it was a How I Met Your Mother drinkning game. We were meant to go bowling after and we did. I remember we were pretty gone when we got to the place. I flirted with a straight guy the enite night. Then we went out to food. A plate full of Bacon was my go too, and it scared me away from the food for years later.. I can safe say that I NO LONGER puke form the thought of having bacon.

     Daphne has alwwasy been there for me even till this day. I am so happy that I have her in my life, I have known her since she was twenty years old. That's crazy. Her birthday is in four days and she wants to go to the beach. That would be so nice to get out in the sun. I want to go to the nude beach and work on my scars on my ass check. To much information. I am on a roll...

     My mood is so uplifting right now I hope you can figure it out in the words I am expressing,,,No joke.

     Rick had a good birthday. He won Jeopardy!. And he got ice cream cake. I  do not say this much but rick I appriciate you,. You have been a constant position of authority. You have raised me like you own child and made sure that I had the correct guidance to take on life. Thank you man, I love you more than I love my own father. You are my father.

     Thanks for the last 13 years dude, and to many, many more.

     My current, real father has yet to talk to me since September of 2022. I was seeing Cameron 

     Let's just finish this post by saying something alright-ish. I think that I am doing alright. My life is alright. I need to stop focusing on things that have NOTHING to do with me. That means Tyler, that mean things that do not belong to me, or even the fact that I am all alone in the world and I loveeeeee that nothing I say or do matter anymore,

 

07.12.23

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XXV


Lights, Camera, Action


   

     I have nothing to say. Nothing really, I think, that I have come to that peak place. Everyone talks about destiny. About how life is whatever you make it to be. Every choice that is made is made, there is no way you can go back and undo it. I am fine with the choices I have made, at least they were honest. Everyone tells white lies,  EVERYONE.

     All my life I thought I was special, something different. When I  was a kid, I was in and out of the hospital. When I was a teenager, I never was taken back. When I was an adult, I only went when I was in horrible shape. Everyone dislikes the doctor. That feeling you get when you walk into a place where you will find out bad news. It's the opposite of police offer fear, but for me it's the authority behind it. I have no idea why, but it is. 

     I know I want to write. I know I want to be someone someday. I know this. I know I can do that, but I think that I will never get there. People tell me all the time that I will be a published author, or I will get things done. I don’t think Io will. I think that eventually a force will come, and it will stop me from being who I want to be. I have no control over what happens to me. Yes, I make choices and everything, but I do not have free will. Which is funny, because I live in America, home of free will. 

     There has to be something. I have to be onto something in this life. Because there is so much going on in my lie that just doesn’t make sense. There are things people have told me via talk that I can't back up, but they told me. Like Ellen, she told me she had two cars, and I could us one a year ago and when I told her about it again, she said she didn’t have a second one. I bet she isn't even a tornado expert at all.

     Everything in my life has been fabricated and catered to me. I went YEAR with smoke pot without getting any sort of trouble. I smoked with my ex of six years every day and we never got into trouble. We smoked while driving, we smoked everywhere. He tried to convince me that undercover cops did not exist. That they were not real. He was so privileged that he had no idea, but he did. He never loved me or cared about me in any fashion. He just played the part he was meant to play. 

     Control. The only thing I have control over is the things I Say, the things I DO, and that's about it. I met this boy the other cay. He was super nice. But all in all, he is a liar.  Why is it's alright for other people to lie, to heat, to do drugs'; but when I do it isn’t a travesty.  Something happened in my life, something that I had/have no idea about. I am starting to get some light on it or understand some things but what was  it? Why has this gone on so long? WHY IS JP THE root cause of it all. 

     Last night was annoying for me. I packed all my stuff away and when I woke up it wasn't packed the way that I packed it. I have this watch that my friend left at my house. I have kept It in my locked safe since then, well guess what, it was in my backpack when I woke up, not in the safe... I thought I was going to get arrest. I know the story is dry as ice. I am not a boy who cried wolf, these things DO HAPP{EN. Ever since I met, he who must not be named  my entire Life has been a whirlwind. Before there were things going on but not to the extreme. 

     Like this one time I was watching the finale to CHUCKY SEASON 2 and my friend called me. He said he was outside. 1.) I didn’t invite him over. 2.) he wasn't 3.) and he was hanging out with Cameron at the time, Cameron….he said he moved back to Puerto Rico. I bet that was a lie.

     Everything in my life….everything that has happened to me. He who must not be named told me once that some people deserved to get raped. He said that if people keep getting put into situations, then they deserve it. Nobody deserves that. I have been raped twice in my life. Once when I was ten by my best friend’s father. It's weird cause he had the same last name as me and he lived next to Blanton elementary in Saint Petersburg. The guy touched me while I slept and made me take showers with him. I WAS TEN. 

     The second guy that did it was my best friend in Parkwood. He told me that if I ever told anyone he would tell the girl I liked all these negative things about me. This guy was a fundamental reason why I am who  am today... He tried to fuck me once, but it hit when I was twelve and I did not hit puberty yet. I remember the first time I noticed a change in my body, and it was after Allen lied to me about everything. His skit was that there was this girl at school that liked me, and she wanted to know how well in sex I was. So, Allen had me do all these sexual things to him.

     I grew up sheltered and wasn't really introduced to the entire concept of sex until high school. So, when that happened to me with Allen, I was innocent and gullible. I had no idea what was happening. And of course, I kept it all to myself cause I was scared of what would happen. I remember that Allen’s dad got my friends dad arrest when I was a little much older, they shared an internet connection, and he found all his child porno. 

     I think people have this assumption of me. Of things I like let me make this clear. I will never touch a child. I will never have any sexual interaction with anyone under the age of 18. GOT IT. Animals are also out of the picture. GOT IT. I have meet people that have been into it. I like men, I like Latino men, I like tattoos and muscles. I do not like OLD MEN, especially if they are showing that they are old.

     Something just Dinged in my head. he who must not be named hated when I talked in a low voice. Why? Because you can’t register my low voice on a recording. People say that I say things that I didn't say... I will correct them and then they will still go on with the false thing. I am a person who is always misunderstood. I explain things to people over and over and over again, yet they still do not understand me, 

     It is against the law for police to entrap people into crimes. Did you know that? Something I love about my computer is that I have no access to things. Like, what? It's my computer and I don’t have access to files that are on my own computer...

     It's hilarious. Don't you think. Fucking with people…leading them into a life that was not their own FREE WILL. People lied to me, about who they are and their names, where they live and whose house, they are in. What am I supposed to do with my life if things have been miscued or false, or not told to me truthfully.

     It's hilarious…I am going to put my head down. I have so much to think about and so much because my head constantly hurts all the FUCKING TIME…I just want life to make sense again…And if I am in trouble with the law, then tell me that and I will be honest. I always am. I just can't believe that my entire relationships have been fake….since I was a teenager. My Entire life is a show for ya'll, I hope you enjoyed it. <3

     I just woke up around twenty minutes ago, My mom is :out getting cigarettes. I heard my sisters voice earlier and I know rob went to work. It's funny cause my mom left me in the house alone, which she never does. Odd. This is a trap I know it. I know that. All this is a trap. Watch she will come back in wondering why…never mind rob came back in. He said he forgot to roll a joint. Things are being weird, and things are off…. I have no idea what is going on right now, Rob looked shocked to see me here, 

     I am so over this, I am over how everyone has trapped me into a position where I looked like a fucking drug addict. Where I have nothing left. This is just a system hack. They make felons and criminals, and that’s the way the cookie crumbles. Rob just told me he left his hand sanitizer here, and he wanted to roll a joint. Then turned off the kitchen light and turned on another which I said you don’t have too, 

     How can your own parent do something like this? How can your own family betray you?  When was the moment they stopped loving you? When was the moment it all turned around and became a game to them? None of this is right. MY family does not care about me, nor do they want me around, I am a burden to them all. To be honest I am a burden to everyone.

     If I get sent away today to anywhere just know that this is not anything I want. My mom has never listened to me. IVE BEEN MENTALLY FUCKED WITH FOR MONTHS. I am as sane as anyone, and I am never going to forget this. If I get taken away today everyone in my life, friends, and family, are dead to me. People say that I can't do that. That I can’t wipe people from my life. But I can just like they are doing to me.

     It always starts the same. Helicopter. Than the sirens. Than the shadows and the noises. I typically interact with them, but I am not doing that this time. This better be an intervention to something along the lines. If that was the case, then my family could redeem themselves in my eyes. I recall that everyone always told me to jump in the shower, put on loud music, and everything will be fine. Why the loud music and why do they always offer Taylor Swift...

 

 - - - - -

     The rest of the day was super challenging for me to endure. My mom insinuated that I go with her to a yard sale. Which was suspiciously at her landlord’s house, Dorine. My mother said I have met her once before and if I have it was back in 2014. That was a time to be alive. You know that during that time was the first time that I used Meth. It was a five-day event, well not the using part, but the downfall. I remember that to my core and I will never forget the come down. My friend or ex friend kept telling me that the experience that I have been going through is my comedown. How can you come down from something that you get basically feed to you?

     I have no  idea if I mentioned this yet. But the other day I swear to Jesus H Christ that there was a piece of stuff in the bowl that my stepdad packed for me. I could not take a picture of it because my phone was dead. It was dead most of that day, and I was already going through it. I was super sad and confused that day because I got a google doc from, He who must not be named. It was a ceased order. Because those two things I went on a walk. 

     That walk was intense. I kept seeing black Honda cars everywhere in the neighborhood. Then every person that was outside looked like he who must not be named. It was beyond Twilight Zone. Yes, I have a strong imagination but no it was not in play. There was even a time that I saw two people wearing shirts that once belonged to him. He was everywhere. To make me go crazy, eventually I took off my glasses and drank water until I got back to my stepdad’s place. 

     I was in a state of such distress. I feel that constantly lately. That my mom, my sister, or even something will trigger me into my paranoia. There is a limit that one person can take. One person can only handle so much before they break. I cry so much because of the stress of it all that I wait till the next time I can be alone to just breathe. Having to always feel like there is something missing, that someone is not telling the truth, or that you have been placed into a situation that was not your own free will. If you do not know the correct information, that you have been strayed off the truth, and then you have to do something that isn’t morally correct, then is that even free will or even your choice. 

     Example. If I was never offered the chance to go to the hotel room to smoke meth in the first place, I would not have done it. If that person is being deceitful and only inviting, you over to make sure that you get addicted to that stuff then is it free will? Is it correct that you were given a choice that was purposely for you to be set u, that's not fee will. You were expecting to get high not get addicted to the substance, and even then, you were not even wanting to get high. It is the principle. 

     The system is rigged, and they chose and pick the people they want to make into criminals, drug addicts, and even other situations. The world needs to keep on turning and the only way that the police have any job is because they need people to do more crimes. Setting people up is the crime, and by making people walk into traps is not a good look on law enforcement.

     I hate that my brain is so fucking strong. That I can be over stimulated but at the same time all my defense are up. I know something is happening to me yet the only way I can prove it is by recording, and even with that nothing happens. I packed all my stuff up the other night and then it was rearranged and packed differently when I woke up. A watch that was in my safe was in my backpack, which I have never moved from my safe. These things are odd to me, and I know that it was the way I left them. I was and am still being harassed top this day, even when I smoke weed. So, I guess that means I will have to stop that also. 

     I need to figure out if I want to stay here. I am debating on leaving Florida all together. 

     I will do another post later because this counts for the other day. 

    7.15-16.23

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XXVI


We Don't Need Rehab...


            Where do I start…

     It’s crazy that this is the first post on here since July 17th. I know I said in the last post that I would be back to post later. Yet, that was halted by my overprotective, loving mother. You see, I was Marchman Acted again; well Ex Partee. Once again, I was sent back to the place, I resented the most; SMA. Which I would now count it as a home away from home.

     That is a joke.

     I spent nine days there in detox. Nine days waiting around for the next move. When I got there, I had only one thing in my system, and it was not meth. My counselor there was decent, again it was the same one as the first time. She recommended me to go to rehab this time and how could I refuse. I did, because I would be without my computer, and I was determined about typing up my story.  Side note, I have yet to type any of that still till this day.

     I met some pretty decent people during my small, nine-day vacation. I could not count how many times I watched the newest Top Gun movie. But after like the fourth day of being there I was designated to be the guy who picked to watch movies. And everyone regretted it because I would only want to watch 80’s movies: Ghostbusters, Gremlins, and anything else that had any tone of horror movie vibes.

     To be honest I enjoy those days the most. I watched a movie that basically changed my perspective on how my mom dealt with me. I was pissed off at first, who wouldn’t. My free will as taken away and I was not able to be me. But the movie was Luca. It was a good PIXAR movie about a rebellious kid who wants nothing more to be his own, yet his mother is very persistent. There is some gay undertones to the movie as well and it was deep rooted for me.

     One of my favorite quote from the movie was when Luca asked Alberto at the end of the movie how would he know if he was okay when he went off to human school. It made me cry because it made me think of Tucker. During these days I wondered the same thing because before this he did not want anything to do with me. Nothing at all, yet I still had those feeling for him.

     When my time at detox ended, I was sent off to wizarding school….just kidding, I was sent to rehab at a place called DMRT; Deland’s Men Rehab Treatment.  Again, I was a little peeved because I could not have any form of technology there and I wanted the only thing I needed. My one true love, my computer. But this meant that I had to go back to the basics of writing; handwrite that shit.

     Boo.

     The plan was to be at the rehabilitation center for 120 days. That’s four months, seventeen weeks. Easy as easy does it. It was meant to be a good time, a simple short vacation as some of the supervisors stated to me during the hard days. Unfortunately, I only survived 47 days. Which, I can laugh about at this moment in time because it was days not wasted.

     I really enjoyed my first week at rehab. Even though everyone said the first week was the worst one because you were getting settled. It was the most enhancing experience I had. Everyone was friendly and it was as if I was being introduced into a brotherhood. The first day I got double meals and snacks, which was nice. The motto was to make the newcomer welcome. Like a cult to be honest.

     The worst part was the second week. I was alone to be honest. I started reading IT and that really fucked with my mind. When I read the chapter where the gay guy was killed in Derry I thought that the guys in the facility were hating on me for being gay. But that was all in my head because I was not the only homosexual there. There were two others there, Jack and Shane. Jack was more promiscuous, and Shane was more reserved. I learned a lot from both of them. One was not to be open about my life and the other was to be innocent and live in the moment and not the future.

     I started to go to church the first week I got there. It was nice experience. I learned that ethe things the Tucker tried to teach me when we were dating were valid. Like the phrase, “Hurt people, hurt people.” When the pastor said that during my first visit, I started bawling my eyes out and I had to excuse myself from the room. It took a toll on me, and I just needed a break from the sermon. I enjoyed church and it became the highlight of my week; especially after I found my high power.

     The second week I was there I had a few things happen to me. My wallet was stolen, and it was odd because everyone was saying that I misplaced it. But I know that someone stole it when I took my first nap. It was just weird because I took it to church and when I emptied my pockets when I got back, I placed it on my dresser and it was gone when I woke up an hour later…But yet, never found. Oh well, things happen to me all the time.  

     I was very involved since the first day I got there. I was active in class, talked during group, expressed myself to the other men, and even went outside to play volleyball. I sucked at the sport at first but then got better as I played more. I loved it to be honest: who knew. It helped me gain some more arm muscles and I enjoyed spending time with the other guys and feeling the sand between my feet.

     There was one incident that got me into the confrontation/ carefrontation circle. Some dude, I will name him Adrian here, was one of the guys I had a huge crush on. He was fit, beard, tattoo, and even had nice blue eyes. Well, he changed up his medicine and was part of the lollipop guild. I would call it what I normally called it, but I don’t want to expose the medicine he was on. Well, he always had to input his commentary on my volleyball tacti’s. One day I lashed out and said that I never met someone so straight that liked to put meth up his ass as much as him.

     He did not find that comment to be nice. That’s when I realized I had an anger problem. It was something that I needed to work on, and I did work on it. I tried to use my ticking time bomb tactics that I learned and overall, I think my anger got less and less of a problem. I could see changes as the weeks went on.

     But then the hurricane came, and I was feeling some type of way. I found out that Tucker was seeing someone else and that was something. On the same night I found out that my stepmom had a stroke, and I was still out a music device to calm myself down. The next day after finding that out I was outright sad. Someone overheard me talk about my medical situations and went around telling people, that pushed me over the edge. I was pissed off, more than normal.

     I took it out on everyone. The clients, the staff, the director. I vented to the nurse for about two hours. I called my mom to get her to calm me down, but she just made it worse, and I just wanted to skip rehab and leave. It was a mess, and I was the hurricane. After I calmed down, I realized I was meant to be there and that my health issues would be taken seriously.

     All in all, it was just a hug that I needed. Who knew???

     I want to take a second and talk about something that happened in a in house AA meeting. When I first got to rehab, I was in a meeting with just about four other people. Each were the people that made sure that my time there was decent. Jack, Shane, Huey, and Aric. These four witnessed me break down when we went over the four step from the big book. That was when I finally accepted and grieved over my diagnosis of having HIV. It was powerful and meaningful that it happened there because I was feeling as if I was going to be alone for the rest of my life.

     It’s a common feeling to have once you are diagnosed with the disease. Tucker never supported me or was there for me in the way I needed him. I had my family, but I needed someone to be there in a romantic and physical setting. I needed love. I needed compassion. I needed a person to actually care for me when I couldn’t do that for myself. At all.

     I was placed on a behavioral contract. Which meant I was not allowed to get in trouble at all or I would be tossed out of the rehab faciality. Which happened a week later. I swear they staff and the clients there had it out for me since I got there. But That would be playing the victim card and I do not do that anymore. See, I have grown.

     Two days before I got the boot, I was having trouble with my conjoining neighbor. He is the one that I though stole my wallet. He was the only one that had access to the room beside the front door, Which the supervisor at nighttime said she never saw anyone go into my room. Thing did not add up, so it made me think it was this kid, He was off mentally anyway and was the biggest negative Nancy I ever met. Fuck him, fuck him with a chainsaw real hard.

     Anyway, I overheard him say a funny quote. “I love it here and I never want to leave.”  I thought it was hilarious, so I wrote it on the white board which he did not like. He erased it and then I re wrote it After he said not to do it I didn’t yet someone else did it. I got pulled into the director’s office and disciplined for it. He said that it was involving the community, and I Was under the impression that me and Nancy were on the level of joking. I was wrong. I was wrong about a lot of things.

     I had a lot of anxiety attacks that day. I overheard Nancey tell someone else the situation and then heard him threaten me. The other guy said that he was going to break my legs if anything happened. It was offensive to me, and I reported it. That was when the entire community got involved and took the leg breakers side. Boo fucking who. Like you threatened me then played victim. VICTIM. Felons and inmates are the worst cause they still have that mentality that they have to play the game. The game is over, you lost, and you need to reform.

     There was a lot of things circling the air those days. The men on the volleyball court pretended to be my friend. They were secretly going behind my back to tell the staff that I was still making angry comments sexually to them. Then the leg breaker said that I was starting high school drama when in reality I was trying to keep my side of the street clean and stay in my own lane.

     Ever since I got to rehab, I was being discriminated toward. I had condoms thrown at me, sexual advances, judged for being out and gay, and always talked down to for being vocal about my life, That was horrible. The staff called me needy, pushed me to the side, yelled at me when I needed someone to talk to, and always said I was being to sensitive. I needed help and none of them went to the extent to even try to help.

     I was forced to leave. No one tried to hear my side of the story. No one even cared. I was sent out in the rain next to the rehab peacock. That was one of the best parts of the time there. There were peacock and they were roaming the grounds plenty. I loved watching them. Others made comments about catching them and cooking them; or the robot guy made jokes that he would strangle one.

     I do appreciate some of the staff. I loved my counselor because she always knew that I was in danger or sad. She said I was being great at my lesson plans and took my recovery seriously. I was. I promise. I enjoyed my two techs that listened: they know where they are. One gave me rocks and the other jokes with me but gave me health department advice. I love and cherish them to this day; I thank you all.

     Of course, this meant that since I did not finish the 120 days I was going to have to go to jail….That’s right. I was arrested four days later and sent to the best place I could ever have hoped for, the Volusia County Detention Center: JAIL!

10.08.23

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