For Legal and Privacy concerns all names in these blogs have been changed. 


 XVII


Listen…The Next Post


     Well, it's taking me a little longer to create the post I wanna make, Theres so much to type and write about in a post. How can i do that in one day?

     It drives` me crazy. I try and understand what I am being told then I will think about the issue. Once I have all the avanues in my mind I pick the one that is the safest. That is the most frustrating. I have been trying to work on the new post. Getting resources, talking to people about things, and just making sure what I post is authentic and real.

     Second…

     It's been hours since I left off on second. I really do not have much to gather. I need to focus, and not on the mundane shit in my head but on my life. I need to get this ball rolling. I need to get things done. I need to conquer the mountain. What a small post...We will see what the holiday weekend will bring. I promise, I will have that post done, this will not be like another May 9th post where I promise the Part 2 that never comes...

I really do miss Savannah Bee chocolate honey...

✌🏽

7-1-23

         


XVIII


Speak Now


     This is another situation like May 9th. I am giving up on the constant need to follow the crazy thoughts that pop into my head. I will focus on the things that I need to get done. This is something that I need to do for myself. Me waiting around will not get anything done. So far today I have applied to two jobs, filled out one things, and listened to Speak Now Taylors Version. 

    I say that is progress...

    Today is Taylor Swift Speak Now Day. I never really enjoyed the Album when it was the originial, but there were good songs on it. Story of Us, Mine, Back To December, and Mean. As I re-listen to the tracks I have found new admirations for other sonngs. Haunted, Foolish One, Timeless, Better Than Revenge, and Enchanted.

      I think that this ablum will be something that will motivate me into actually moving on. It's odd that there is always a Swift album coming out when I need it. Last time was Midnights, which helped me move on from Cameron. That's a good way to kjeep track of the life of me, by Taylor Swift release days. 

     Even though my break-up song with Tucker is Hit Diffferent

which came out around the end of May. The song is litereally the way we both ended.  As I am listening it to right now, I am thinking… Was this song written just for me? Especailly the hat part, which is a relic of my relationship.     

     Tucker was meant to go tot he beach with me yesterday. Of course, I waitied around all day to hear from him. He never said anything to me until I texted him arounf six o' clock. It was upset because he gave me an excuse. There is doubt coming from him. He always assumes that the interaction will lead to a bad place.

     That is a negative mind set Tucker, which is somehting you tried to get me to forget. You told me to always think positive and not always be so sad. Well, I am doing so, yet you are reverting to who I was. That is not good, and I thinjk you should listen to your own advice. 

     I broke my glasses yesrterday in frustratiuon. I know that it was not something productive, but I was so upset. I am extremely lonley over here.  My friends do not reach out nor do they even bother communicating with me. I guess that I will have to just stick to my own life. There is much to do.

     I want to return to my writing. I miss the charcters that i created when I was trying to escape the modern day life I lived. This will be a good outloet to get some things off my chest. I will not be starting anything new, i will only be typing up my supernatural story. I need to finish it. 

     If there is antything else I would type it would be my horror stories. I want to get something done this year. There is not reason why I should not accomplish that. I have so much to pull from, and the only thing that Is stopping me is me. I need to stop being that brick that get's stuck behind a car tire. This is my chance to roll away with my creative side. 

     That means I will have to post more on instaram, Twitter, and even Tiktok. Those where the days where I was productive with my skill. I posted a lot on there and I think it is time to go back to my root. Yes, I will still do my content studff, but that will be pushed to the side. I don't even have access to XxSethTylerxX on twtter right now, so...

 I started watching Tv again. WHen I started th T life I stopped watching TV. Which was sad for me because my entire life was wrapped around what show was on. I had a set schedule, every day had something on. The only show I watched while i was smoking was American Horror Story. I will never miss that show, even if I was dead. 
     The shows that I need to catch up on are: Riverdale, Handmaids Tale, Cruel Summer, Rick and Morty, and other things that are not coming to the mind. But the show that I am watching is The Boys and I have to say that I enjoy it. I was under the impression that it was a lacklusting show about xsex jokes and superhero cliches'. 

     The show is pretty well written. I love the charcter depths of Queen Muave, Starlight, and even Richie… I mean whatever his name is in this show…Oh, Huey. I finished season one yesterday with Rick, my step dad. I just got a nice wiff of doritos and now I am craving them.

    The time is noon, so that does mean lunch. I would go for a sandwhich. Turkey with amefican cheese, mayo, honey mustard, and the chips all mashed in. I hope my step dad comes home soon to I can get something to eat. Clealry I am starving if i wrote down what I was wanting to eat. 

     I cut my hair the other day and shaved my beard. I wanted to hjave a fresh look and to be honest I really enjoy iy. I feel like I am looking like the loner guy from any 80's movie. I think that sort of role would work wonders for me right now. Ill add a picture so you can see, because I do not wantt ot hav e to describe what I look like now. 

     I do not really want to talk about the Fourth of July. I am just happy that it is done and over with. That was an experience I would not want to retell nor do I wanrt to relive. Let's just say that today is day foud. I know, I am a shame. But this is a good reset because I am feeling more motivated and more myself than I have felt in a long time. Yes, this joiurney is difficult, but I know that I can get through it. I have been through worse and soon I will make it though this too.

     That is what matters most. 
     Finding me again.

     7/7/23

     ✌🏽


XIX


My Writing Journey PT 1


     How I started to write in the first place. From the beginning to the stuff I am working on currently. This is part 1: From Chocolate Milk to Slashers and Princes.

     I have been writing since I was a teenager. The spark that influenced me to realize I was somewhat good at it. There was a talent there, a knack to write a story.

     The first thing that I can recall writing down was a who done it. The premise, from what I can remember because I do not have this on paper any more, was who stole the last chocolate milk. I wrote it after school while waiting on my mom to pick me up. From my memories, the story was pretty solid.

     Seventh grade was the next time I fiddled with the pencil. Give me a few years to dispose of the granite tool all together. A pen is my go to item to handwrite with, which I do everything first; hand write my stories.

     This paticular one was a fan fiction I created during science class. I was longing for my dad at the time of creating this and I also enjoyed Star Wars. When I was in middle school the fandom did not have high ranking, it was something that made you classified as a nerd. Not in a good way either.

     In the story I was pulled from myh mundane life as a boring student at Creekside Middle. I was instantly placed onto a Impereal Star Destroyer with the most iconic super villian of all time. Darth Vader. Yeah, this story is just as boring as I am making it out to be. Let’s skip to the part where I discuss my epiphany.

     Ninth grade. Library.

     I was sitting across my friend Veronica when I came up with the idea of wirting a short story for her. She had an assignment for English class which entailed her creating a short story and the theme was horror. Of course it was around Halloween when this assignment was given.

     That is when Phantom of the Creek was born. It orginated with only about twelve pages of pure gold, well red. The story was about my core group of friends being locked in the high school without a way to leave. The cherry on top was that there was a killer also roaming the halls plucking them off one by one.

     Of course I had to leave it open to a cliffhanger. There had to be some characters that survived the bloodbath. I, being one of the main charcters, got to live to tell the tale. Along with my three best friends at the time, they also got to live. Through the rewrites I allowed a few extra chracters to live, to make the next few installments into a series.

     As of right now there are eleven Phantom of the Creek stories, with two more inside my head to be fleshed out. I am eventually going to get them published, but I need the entire sega to flow. There are parts in the hand written copies that do not align with the new image I am going for. But, the story does stay to the orginal design, all of them do.

     While I dabbled in the horro genre while I was a teenager I also started in the fantasy. I was obsessed with the online role playing game Runescape from the end of middle school to the rest of high school. This created the entire fantasy world I created called Cedithia. The name was brought to be because I wanted to match the termology as the movie and book Bridge To Terabithia.

     The fantast story followed the lost prince of Rebid, Max. How generic, I named the main charcter of this story Max. He embarks on a journey from the village he spent his entire life. His mentor is a monk and they gather other unique characters along the way; a pirate name Olivia and a element crafter name Eli.

     The main villian in that story is one of my favorites that I created. He is ruthless and vain. His backstory is that of heart break and betrayl. I want to finish this story out, the first book is finished yet I want to go re do some of it. I wrote it when I was not even eighteen. To be honest, this was the first piece of work I completed back in 2010.

     That’s when the main story idea was created. The Haven.

7.8.23

✌🏽

 

For those who really only cared for this...


XX


Second Choice...


     I really am trying my best to stay positive and focused. I have a great heart and will always do best by other. I care to much for people that do not care for me in the same way. I always give everything I have to others that will not do the same for me. I have little and I still give it out. What more am I meant to endure before I collapse?

     I want to be gone. I don't have it in me anymore to stay uplifting or tired the waters of this life I live. I wake up everyday with the idea that something good is just around the corner. That all my prayers and all my crying will be worth it. There is no bright sun shinning through to make tomorrow better. I am always let down, always forgotten, always dissapointed. I never catch a break nor do I ever see something good happening to me. All that is waiting for me is nothing. 

     I was born the second child in my family. I am the child that doesnt have any children, no job, no living life. Is it a curse to be the second child? My uncle Ray is the third in his line but he is the worst off, but he is the second boy. Just like me. We both are gay and we both have the diagnosis of HIV. He is worse off than I and he is never going to change. I can. Right?

     There are time in my life where I do not see anything going well. I never felt this down and out before. I never lost everything anf was told I was something. My heart hurt every day when I am stuck here. I have no friends right now that will come keep me company or help me find happiness when I feel sad and alone. I lost all my friends in Orlando and I do not have much here in Port Orange. My best friend is to busy with her own life to have any time. Which I do not hold that against her, she has a lot on her plate. I just wish there was someone that would care enough to care about how I am doing.

     Tucker was meant to come here today. I gave him the gas and i gave him the attention needed. But alas, he once again decieded not to show up. And to add the sting to the wound of depression, he told me that he is seeing another person. Someone that treats him way better than I did. What is that supposed to me. He texted me last night saying he as thirty, hungry, and lonely. So, if he did have someone else then why wasnt he talking to that guy. Why did i give my last amount of money to him so he can eat, drink, and come see me. Does someone that treats someone horrible do that?

     He once told me that I was his number one choice. And he knows that I am always afraid of being forgotten, left, or chosen second. He knows this and he does it to me on purpose. Shana is correct. He knows that his actions has power over me, and he gets off on this. He fuels himself off the fact that he makes me sad. I bet that if he was willing to tell me who the person that he is seeing is that it's Kyle. That would hurt me to the core and I would proably give it all up...

     Why? Why do I put myself thorugh this? It makes me so depressed and I get the need to want to use. I want to just cry until I pass out. The last time I did something like this was when I was borken up with in 2015. Benny broke up with me after eight months of dating. Told me that I had a personaity disorder and stopped talking to me. It was bad. I cried for a week straight but I was not in love with him like I am with Tucker. Tucker is my last love. I am not going to be looking or wanting to do this again. How can I?

     Everytime I put myself out there I get hurt. I get left and redused to nothing. I can't even picture my life anymore with a person, or a child, or even a animal. I am not worth that much. I am just damaged good, something no one wants. Not even the people that have no one wants me. They all look at me with the eyes of a sex appealed monster. Nonody is going to see me for the caring, fragile, and loyal person I am. Nobody wants a second best, HIV Postivive, ex drug addict. I wouldn't even want that, especially if he was still hung up on his ex.

     How can you still have this hold on me. I have yet to see you in two months. This feeling, this longing need to see you is tearing me apart. I can not keep going on like this. I have no idea how to break the speall that you have casted over me. I rethink about all the thing that you did bad by me and those things never make me want to stop talking to you. You tell me that you get sick from thinking of spending time with me. That's on you, not me at all. I have no idea why you think that spending a little time with me will ruin whatever image of me you have in your head. Think of the positive.

     I am always going to live in the shadow of being the second. I am never going to be the first in anything. I never won a thing in my life beside a stuff animal contest in elementary school back in Saint Petersburg. I think of how different my life would have been if I never moved to Daytona, or ever moved ot Florida to begin with. My life would be extremely different and I think about that daily. What I would of turned out to be if I just stayed IN New York. I should of moved there when I had the chance, started over when I could, I wish I did. Buffalo would have been something quite different for me. 

     The interview I had today was nice. I did not care for it to start with and I don't even want a job. I don't want to do anything anymore. I have lost most all interest in being alive at this point. I do ever want to hurt myself nor do I wish that i would die. I just want it to be easier. I want things to progress. I will take the oppurtunites that are given to me and I am going to be strong. For who? Not myself. I wish i could just run away, find some random person that could suffice my needs, and just let me wither away in the memory of all the people that know me. I wih I could be that thought in the back of everyones mind.

     "Aiden Tyler…Do you remember that kid. He was nice wasn't he, but he had a mouth. His attitude got the best of him, yet he always spoke the honest truth even if it was mean. He told you how it was. He loved to write yet never got anything published. He was talented and he was smart. What ever happened to him…"

     I want to fade away. i don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to waste the remaining years I have pinning over a boy who  could care less of me and that likes to feed off my pain. I will always think of him as the love of my life. The man who can make me do anything with just the sound of his voice, but I have to let him go. I have to remember who I am. I am Aiden. The strong, confident, smart, creative, second born, second best, second choice… 

     I have no stength in me today to get things done. I just want to be background noise in the crazy thing we call life. My reality is gone, and I have to face the facts that I am not going to get my happy ending. I am never going to be 100% happy. 

Never...

✌🏽

7.9.23