For Legal and Privacy concerns all names in these blogs have been changed. 


Post XIV


Happy Birthday Tucker


     June 28th. I had no idea that I would even be here today to type this. It's 12;02 on June 28th, what a time. There is so much I want to say to you. There is so much. Currently you are on you high horse of telling me goodbye. I have theories on why you want to opt out of knowing me and I will state those sooner or later. I have no idea if it will be on a post here or maybe a entire book deal. That would be something, wouldn't it? A book all about you and me, the story of us, and the downfall of a love story. 

     That would be something else if I could articulate the words correctly. I know that I will start the story the night I opened my front door to the vunerable boy that made me check his back for bag check. The most open person I came in contact in a while. Our love story started that night, and to be frank it should have never been anything because the two of us were not capable of loving each ohter. You know this, I am slowly learning this, and the entire fucking world was against us. This is not Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis, it's much sadder, like Jar of Hearts by Chrisrtina Perry. That song is a track record for me with the loves of my life. 

  I am up so late tonight typing this and watching Scream 6. I wish you were here watching it with me since we never finished it together, but I am glad that I am alone. It make the knife impacts more dreadful knowing that you would love to watch me fall from a ladder hoisted over four stories high. It is down right pathetic and cowardess of you to just leave me at my lowest.

     There is so much I coud fit into a small book of what we were. There would be parts, the good times, the bad times, and the what the fuck times. All in all, with you I had a great time. I learned so much about myself and there was much that i regained. I loasrt my hope when I was a chid and that was back for a little while. But since tyou have to go and leave me once again I have renounced my ideas about the coming to faith was wrong. Hope is nothing but unwanted expectations. Why set yourself up for failure when you already know the outcome of the situation. Everyone, even you Tucker, did what they said they would never do. 

    You left me.

     Halsey said it correctly in a song and I know you know which one I am about to quote. I was singing it in the shower one time, it was after I took the cat tower to my friend. I was in the shower, from sleeping all day because that was the night we talked about our fathers and you really wanted to leave to go get Bella. That is a night I never will forget. That is when it started shifting for the most part. I miss the you before that, the one where you never made me feel bad for things out of my control. You told me that I was in the wrong for not talking to my father without knowing that bad times we had. I never resented you for that, just like you told me that I was the reason for the outcomes of my secual abuse. Those things were just fuel for me crying myself in the shower.

     "I know how to play, it's all the same. If i keep my eyes closed he looks just like you. He will never stay, they never do." That lyric is how i view them all, even you now. "Would of traded all for you, cared for you - you don't realizer that I'm thinkin' bout you. It's nothing new." There are a myriad of songs by Halsey that I can quote to define out relationship: Now or Never, Strangers, and even Nightmare. Soon So Good will even be about you. What a love story.

     I could go on and on about how much I admire you and how much I want nothing but the best for you. There is this notion in your mind that I am going on and on with shit talking. But I feel like if you wanted a accurate narratiuvbr of how I feel for you, just read this blog. Read the blogs on my website. There is nothing but love there withint he words I typed months ago. I still can not belkievre that someone I met in February gained the momentum to become the pivital person I want to be with all the time. That take a lot of dedication. We bonded over out trauma, our personalities, out like ness, and of course the drug of our choice. There is more to us that Meth, and I promise you that the connection built between us was real for me,

     You always said people told you I slept around. There will be nothing in this reality that will convincer you that I never broke my faith with you. Theres a sensation that I felt only twice before you came along on that Sunday night/morning. I cherish that time we had before we actually slept together. That bonding was something unworldly. I miss that vunerable Tucker who asked me for a hug when I was walking out of my bathroom, it caught me off gaurd.

     You always said that either one of us would have a broken heart when this all ended. You knew from the start that it woule be me. That I would get to attached to you and that I would fall in love with you. I did, I fell so fast and so hard. I had no intentions to do such a thing, especially after Cameron. He broke me but you put be back together. You tauight me that many guys were more than the stiick between their legs, You even said that you did not want what we had to become just that, sexl; but it quickly became that, with us fucking about three times a days. I have never been that sexual with someone before, not even my first love. 

     The passion that you fuled from me was something out of the Earth. You had the enrtire package at the time. I did not care that we had different  opinions and that you were homeless. i had a apartment, and at the time I had a job, The first few days of knowing you, well the first week, you had me wrapped around your wedding band finger. Remember that time we were cuddling in my bed and you legit asked me out of know where to marry you. I replied with when and I was not joking. I would have left that bed in a heartbeat to run to the courthiouse to be yours. I wanted that more than anything but then you snatched it back the next day as if it was something that was never spoken. 

     It hurts more and more as you don't want anything to do with me. I wonder why a lot. I did nothing crazy, i did break your car windshield and threw a coffee cup in your direction. But remember all the things you dfid to me. You told me you loved me then took it back, blamed me for the relationship that failed yet you asked me out, you blame me for you not performing well with others (Yet you wanted a open relationship), you even went county lines to sleep with a friend after we had rules. Ever since I got clean I have been doubting everything you ever said to me. The main reason is because I striuctly never told you my apartment number.

     There are things that I do not do when meeting someone from Grindr, I never reveal my apartment number,. If the guy gets here then I make sure hes real and then I let him up. Its safe because how else will I know when I invite con artist or scammers into my home, even worse I could invite a seriel killer or a terrible human being for that matter. Oh wait...

     I miss the Tucker that never had a problem with being goofy, making voices, or even just cuddling with me in the morning. He was the best, even when he made fun of me for being me. I miss that more than I miss the cholcate milk at SMA. I just want to wrap this up, I shouldn't even give you a post after leading me on all this time. I do love you Tucker Michael, I miss you more than anything, and I hope that we can reconnect. Maybe after you are done paying off your fines, after you are bored with what I left in Orlando, or maybe after you are done being a the villian in this Disney Movie. That would be the mid credit scene…or will it.

     Happy 32nd Birthday,

Tucker

🎂

I love you

✌🏽

06/28/23


Post XV


oh boy.


     What the hell am I doing? I know I am starting fresh with my life, a new beginning. But why do I feel like I am at a loss, that this is the end of ebverything I worked so hard to build. I lost everything. I lost my apartment, my friends, my freedom, my mind, my love, and my trust. I have no desire to meet anyone new, because I have no trust that the person will betray me. My trust issues are broken beyond belief. I have odd oanic attacks over weird things, things that would never bothered me before.

     Something that is getting me way to aggravated lately is that people assum my odd behaviuor beause the drugs…for me it's not. Does everyone remember that time I worked for a CULT ran by a cartoon mouse? You know, the one that has it's own country inside Florida and has seven domaoins throughout the world, and that's not counting the own beaches. This leader has castles to dwell in and he lives through five essentials and his disciples have to go along with it or they are exiled from the magical bubble that protects them from the real reality of life.

     The five key basics: Safety, Courteousy, Inclusion, Show, and Efficencey, I think I mixed up th order but I know Safety First, Inclusion in the middle, and Effiecent last because worker smarter not harder. Which was always wrong because if you know your own work flow then do it, but remember to be safe. That always bugged me to no end. These factors are pounded into your brain over and over and over. Even if hyou were with the company for a decade you would still have to go through training and re learn the same tactics. It only changed recently from four key basics to five keys because the social channg on diversity. What a big shift in that crippling Jenga tower. 

     The workers are all program the same way, even though uppers say act normnal and don;t say things like its scriptd. Smile. Please the people that spent so much money to get here, they are your job security. Bahhhh. That is the thicked horse crap I recall, because look at me. I am six months out of not being with that small secluded group of similiar minds. They are litereally all messed up and brainwashed. There are a few that I will defend with my life, they know who they are but.the others are corrupted.

     To be honest, I did not want to blog today. I had nothing to write about. I am in the mood where I am mad at myself for letting all this shit happen to me. I am so far in the hole with my life, AND to be even more honest, I WAS FINE BEFORE I WENT TO BUFFALO. That trip changed me in a myriad of ways. Th positive things that happebned to me from there are the following: I became sober off alcohol. I got closer with Shannon and became part of that life. I made good memories and was actually happy. The negative: I slammed for the first time, I lied during that trip, and I knew that I never wanted to go back to Orlando.
    Yelp...

    Here I am, almost a year later and guess where the fuck I am sitting…Port Orange at my moms house. This place, is not the ending point for me. I thought that when I lost Disney that it was game over. Nah, not even close. Did you know that after a game there are typically credits of all the people that took part in the makingh of that game, just like a movie. There is a poiint. Look, if a game is doing well what happenes? A sequel. That means, new charcters, new pliots, new obstacles, and new fucking setting. 

     This entire year had been something worth watching if it was a televison show. I will just list off things that happened to me since my week vacation in New York. Met a Master who wanted me for sex, got more addicted to meth, Nexus (rabbit) died, Met the second love of my life Cameron, two hurricanes, Twitter creation, fired from my seven year job, Met my true love Tucker, started slamming and using more, found out about my HIV diagnosis,  paranoia weeks and being harassed by neighbors, lost my apartment, and to top it off was Marchman Acted into a detox facility. It's a trip, and that would be an amazing television show.

     Tell me you will not watch that?

     I am gonna go on a bike ride now. It's hot as hell but I need to get out of this house for a little. I'll probably wrire more when i settle…
     It is hot at hell out. I am here sitting on a bench at the park. Tucker said that he did this a lot when he vanished from my house, but I have doubts in that. How in the hell could he sit outside in the heat like this for hours. Yeah, walking at the trail a few times will not be a really good excus anylonger for me. You know what you were doing and it was not sneaking to the bathroom to jerk off. Dude, what you were doing to me and to other people is down right decietful. 

   There is no need to go in to detail about what you did. Only you know what the reasons where and why you went to such lengths. Things happened and there is no need bring it up right now. Damn it is hot outside. I saw a guy go into the restroom when I sat down on bench to type. He was rushing in then I watched him leave with his shirt off. Damn he was sexy, no shirt, and he drove a red car. I wish I walked intp the bathroom after him when I had the chance…sorry I think that is the most explicit I have ever been here…but I also discuss drugs. 

     I walked around a little in the sun, took a trail, and then left. I have no idea how I use to be outside in the dead ass summer when working for the mouse. It's brutual and not Olivia Rodrigo Brutual. I rather be that version right now.

This is the first post where I did not finish that day….

I'm ending it here.

✌🏽 06/29/23


XVI


Are you ready for it...


     The statement that keeps getting recieted to me is starting to get dull. "If there is anything you need then reaach out." Really? When I reach out to those people and I ask them for the one thing that I need I never get a reply. I have the people in my life that I vent to and that I can talk to, but the ones that come out of the woodworks to show support are the same ones that never reached out before. Talking is like prayers, it doesn't do much in progression.

     Like, I appreciate all the people that have been keeping check and asking me if I am alright. At the start of that I noticed that many were basially reieting the same rubric. They format was the same, but the words were in their own. "[greetings]…I have been seeing your post on Facebook…[alarmed or concerned]…I know i am not close but if you ever need to talk about it…[They are there for me]." They always said the same, but then never followed up with me. How is that just? You say you are there for me but where are you now when I am at the bottom, past the granite and sulfur.

     Something was brought to my attention today about something I tend to do. When i am down and out of my good luck, I always resort to going to one of my exes. Here, I will call him Avery. Back In 2015 when I moved from Port Orange to Orlando because a break up I resorted to Avery for help. He helped me move back to O-Town, get situated, and even helped me with whatever. He did amazing and all i did was be moody, hung up over my ex, and upset. Our relationship we had, even though we were not together, was rocky. It ended with me leaving due to us arguing about him not understanding me, my pot smoking, and me eventually hitting him. He is the only person in my life that I assaulted and I still regret that. If you are reading this, I am sorry still for the Avery. Truly.

 Avery and I are talking right now. I told him how I put him in this post. He doesn't read this and I tell him to so he can ge a better look at where I am in my life. if he does, that's good. He offered me a job wih a hotel up in Indianna, but that's a trek. Of course, the oppurtunity is amazing cause I can go there, live at his house, have a job and save money up for what I want. I would have to no smoke pot anymore, which I can do; I literally quit the other drug and yet, I still haven't had any bad withdrawls. It has been thirteen days since I last used. I am very proud of myuself. 

     He read it and already had a comment. He said tha I have false information in this. The thing he pointed out that was wrong is that I said we were no together. We were not offically dating., we were just living together and doing things like a couple. But how could I be with someone so fast after being hur like i was with my ex that left me. I was broken, had lots of issues, and needed one person to helpo me; that was you. My experiences that I go through are not wrong, they might have a different perspective than another, but that does not make it false.    

     I really need to focus. The things that I need to get done are get my health stuff situated since I moved to a new county. Find a goodf online NA meeting andf also find a sponsor. I need to find a job and get some active income coming in. I just made 38 dollars on Onlyfans, but nothing new is happening there. But, I could use this platform to try and get new people onto that, currently I'm having a %40 off sale which ends July 6th. Ha, what a ironic day due to it falls on the year anniversary of me leaving to go to Buffalo.

     There is something going on with my life. I swear by it. ive been round about'd through things over and over again. These things keep happening to me; and I know that it's not paranoia anymore because I'm not shooting up meth. When all this odd stuff started to happen to me i came to two conclusions: eithewr Tyler was working for the police, as an informant to bring new light to new people using or that Tyler was part of a terrible group of people involved in the Meth world. Eithert or, they, who ever they are based out of Miami an d tney will do nothing but make me look uncreditable, unreliable, and alone. I still have a strong ass feeling that this is all connected back to Luis…

     And I could stop thinking this and just move on with the fucking life I still have, but I can't. I am a bull and I saw the red flag. Either I am going to charge full force to get what I want or I will be killed trying. I could end up in a dumpster behing the Save-A-Lot or shot on the side of the street when riding my bike. Or I can get hit by a car, which has happened on severeal occasions over the last few months. This is a slippery slope, and guess what, I have no snow shoes to keep me grounded. 

     I know what my next post is going to be abouT… 

 Can you.

    ✌🏽

06/30/23