For Legal and Privacy concerns all names in these blogs have been changed. 


Post XI


A enigma Starting 


     Since the day I was Marchman Acted I have seen some things in a new light. It's crazy how fast it happened. One minute I was napping in my sister's car while she was getting lunch to being bombarded by police in the parking lot of walmart. What a whirwind.

     Let me discuss the what the Marchman Act first before I go into my expiernce. a law under the Florida Statute that enables family members to obtain help for a loved one who is unwilling to seek substance abuse services voluntarily. The act is a very good tool for someone who needs it, and just to clarify I did not need it. The main reason I detest that it was pressured on me even though I was on my way voluntarily. 

     She, my mom, knew that I was going and the fact she went behind my back is unreasonable. I was mad at her for the first hour of it being effected, but it went away while I sat there being processed at SMA Healthcare. I got there around four in the afternoon and did not get a bed until midnight. My process time took a while but I did not mind because I had chocolare milk to hold me over. 

     Intake was not that bad. I thought my case was extreme but there were people there that had it worse. There was one lady who kept talking to the sky, calling out people for their lies, and talking about the injustices of the world. She was loud but not as loud as the person screaming at his mother on the phone. He reminded me of a character from Orlando, Robby Bickey. A skinny, drug user who has a dark cloud following him. I swear on my life that this person is part of the group that work with law enforment; but what do I know. There was another person that was very worried about his medication and repeated the phrase, "I don;t belong here, I shouldn't be here. I am not meant to be here."

     Something I grasped onto fast was that if you were at SMA you were there for a reason. We all were there and meant to be there. I needed this more than I thought. I got to learn peoples experiences and see with my own eyes how drug addiction effected others. I did not want to get to the point where I was shouting at someone or nothing. The answers were not out there where I thought they were, they were here at this facility. The answers were something I was not privleged to because I was looking in the wrong direction, a selfish one,

     The days were long if I did not sleep. I met a pretty eye opening female there on my first day after lunch. Her name, let's call her…Mallory. I chose that name because Mallory, in American Horror Story is the next supreme: and during the time of theoriest people were under the belief that she was an angel. So, Mallory thank you for showing me that there is more to this than just track scars and terrible decisions, I owe you a tattoo gun when we meet again.

     Being there was eye opening. My second day or third day I had a NA meeting, and the host was a man named Lyon. He was pretty chill with his message. He said that you had to be selfless, do things for others and eventually that will be benificial for you. It is something Tucker tried to teach me, but of course I had to heard it again. Lyon talked about finding a religion, that it does not have to be GOD but something that you put enough belief and faith in that it helps you through your recovery. All in all, his words helped me and opened my eyes. I hope I get to cross paths with him again to thank him.

     The only person in the way of a better life is YOU.

     I spent four days at SMA. I was suprised that I got out on the friday one week of being clean. That's correct, it's been a week. I have yet to have the need to want the drug nor is eveyones statistic being placed on me are being effective. I am a enigma, a hybrid, a new strain of person. That is something I thought all my life, that I was different from all the others.

     I learned that the reason I never had withdrawl symptoms was because I had a strong metabolism. Others thought it was odd that I picked my shoulders rather than my arms and face. My reasoning was because I can hid my shoulder, my face and arms are present in eye sight. I never intended for people to look at me and know that I was a druggie. Appearance is everything.

    Something I learned while in SMA was that I will never trust my mom again. She does not understanderd me at all and until the day I die, she will never. There is no connection between her and I, whatever one that was there is diminished; she ruined that when she went behind my back. 

     The nurse practioner asked me if I was upset with my mom for what she did, I said I was betrayed and I understood. What I understood is that my mom lacks authentic empathy for others and will do everything in her power to ruin peoples lives no matter what.  And if you are reading this, I am sorry that you forced this on...

     Side note: If you own a modem wityh wifi please have a password that you can remember and that you can spell. It's YACHT, how do you not teach yourself how to spell yacht. Why keep going through the same situation when you can learn to avoid it. It's idiotic to keep doing the same thing when you can simply not. 

     There has been so many mind games being played against me. I know now that most things in my life since February 26th have been a fasade. There have been people I have met who have not been who I thought they were, Many situations I have been in where created to simply make my life look better or to make me go along a path that someone else intended. Paranoia goes so far, and when somoene tells me that something tangaible is make believe then that's manipulations. I don't really care at this point, because I am ready to start a new, begin a new adventure with the things I have learned.

     I won't be going to school like I wanted. I can just blame my mom for not finishing my financial aid as she saidf she would, but that would be passing the blame. I should never have asked her for help. Sometimes help is good, but when the other person does not want to even try then is that help? I need to learn to do things on my own, there is no one that will think of me before their own needs. No one. 

     There is thanks that need to be given. I wanna thank my sister with all my heart, Cassidy. You have been the one person that has helped the most. You listened to me, assisted me, and even protected me. I will always cherish what you did for me, the means of how you did it, and the frosty you got me after I got out. I wanna also give thanks to my best friends for always staying to myside. Jenn ( my sisters ex) for helping with the move and protecting my computert while I was away., Cane ( my sister's friend), for the move and just being there. And a big thank you to all the workers at SMA for theie pure understanding and no judgement as they made sure that I was on the road to a better me.

     I want to be different. I do not want to use any more, no do I have the need to do so. Everyone says that this is the hardest part, but in all my reality, this is easy. I don't have the urge to smoke meth nor shoot it up. I have the urge to talk to Tucker, continue my HIV medications, be health, and get my life back. The glue and tape that I am using might not hold it all together, but my will power to keep on is stronger. I will have a van, the man, and the best friend next to me while I journey across American doing what I love and doing what I WANT!

✌🏽

06/24/23


Post XII


All In AlL  (AllTooWell)


     I'm gonna start this post with saying something I am thaankful for. The biggest thing I am thankful for is acts of kindness. They do not come often enough and, if you're like me, let them pass you by when you could be that act. This is something I want to accomplish more. I want to help people I see in need, or just be there for others. When I was in SMA i was told that you will get what you want in life if you p\ut others first. The main question is that though, who will i put first before myself?

     I could list many people that I could put way before myself. My sister, My family, my best friends, my casual friends, random people, or even Tucker. I promise I will eventually get to the point where I will not mention him in a post, but that will not be for a long time from now. He imprinted his soul onto me, there is a connection between us that is unbeknownst to the universe. Only the person in charge knows what is going to happen to us, and even if it's him not replying to my text or calls, that's what is meant to happen. It does hurt, knowing that you were something great to someone one day and then poof….youre simply not worth a single word in a text.

     I do feel like myself though...

     There is this playlist that I created when Tucker and I started talking. It's something silly that I started to do when I thought the person I like was meant for something more than just a casual fling. There are 66 songs on this list, spanning over three hours. I am still finding songs to add to the collective, who knows if it'll ever stop. The top five songs on that playlist I love to hear when I am missing Tucker are: Faith by Gallants & Dolly Parton, Take me home by Jess Glynn, Fast Car by Luke Combs, Space Between by Dove Cameron and Sofia Carson, and Slide Away by Miley. It's a ladder of heartache and admiration; but that was the normal between the two of us.

     To keep my sanity the last few days I have been making book covers for my supernatural story. It is all handwritten, from 2010 till finished in 2021. This story is one that helped me through it all, and once people close to me read it they will see occurances. Things during my life incirperated story idea's and plot changers, especially the entire character development of my gay charcter. My book is a trilogy, but I am splitting it into eight parts. Book one will be split into two pieces: Curse of the Scott Sisters and Curse of the Thirst. Book 2 will be the same: Curse of the Unwanted Son and Curse of the Soul Witch. Book three will be four pieces, due to the hand written portion is two-thousand pages long. Curse of the Origin, Curse of Forbidden Love, Curse of the Time Witch, and Curse of the Haven.

     Some miraculous things have happened to lately. First, its the most important, is that I got about eight grape jolly ranchers in the last bag. Normally I would get two, and would save them for the end. Not this time, I ate them all first. Second, I finally finished organizing my stuff. It was hard to pick what clothes meant something and which would be left behind. Behind, you say…I plan to start sofa surfing maybe or get a small job somewhere start staying in hotels and making my life again Again as, my self and just me doing it. 

     I have this strong need to always have a man next to me doing the thing called life. Of course I want Tucker to be here with me, next to me, holding my hand while it get's to brass. But in all honesty, I do not need him here. I am getting to the point where I do not need to talk to him all the time. There are times when i find my self choked up to the thought of what could have been. It stings like a small needle going into my arm that was oozing;l the needle nor my arm. Of course I miss him, he is and will be the last love of my life. I do not plan on going out or waiting around for love to happen. I have had it happen three real times, and there were numerous others that I called love but it was just on the brisk of it.

     Talking about neddles. I should address my current state with my drug addiction. I have yet to touch the stuff since June 17th. I know that it's just none days, ten tomorrow, but that's something. Yes, the urge to run to find it has been there; especilly when life seems to be cushing me or when my mother belittles me about using or just being alive. Those are a couple of triggers that make me wanting to search for Tina, she is not wroth it! The only thing that is waiting for me to use again is the disheaveled version of myself sitting in the intake room, but this time I am not the quiet one yet I am the loud mouth discussing informalities to an empty cieling. 

     The journey is long and hard but I am willing to take this climb up the mointain. I will place that flag on the top then do summersaults down the slope knowing that I conquered. This will not be something that defeats me, it will mold me into the better version of me, beta 32. This one is refined, faces things head on, asks for help and gives it, listens to others and not just himself. On top of that list is something that I never did, and that is to live life of the oppurtunities provided. 

     I will not just simple let things go by anymore. If there is something that arises that can help me be better, to do better, then I am going to go for it. I will take all the help that is offered, even if it's someone saying that they will do all they can. In reality, all you can do is send me money. I need some, i need a lot some. I I have so many people to pay back because of my addiction, because who I was and still am, and just because I will even if they said not to worry about it. I want to be that person that gives back, even when it was declined to be repaid.

     I found a Narcotics Anonymous meeting that is tonight online. It's zoom to be clear. I went from a zoom room full of partygoers and jerking men to something more pleaseant and worthwhile. There were days I when I went into a cloud room on zoom to find the same guy aitting there in the same pose from when I was on last. I would common stumble upon men passed out in front fo the camera, lucky I never seen someone knocked out while they tried to inject themselves. That is a image I never want to see, not even in my nightmares. I've seen SawII when Amanda was tossed into a pit full of used and exposed needles. NO WAY!

     The only thing that keeps me constant is two images. The one i described with me at the admission lobby of SMA. That is the one keeping me on the path of no drugs, of course weed is a different spectrum. The picture I have in my head, the goal or the dream if you call it that. Well, that is me in the front seat of either a RV or a Van with a canine best friend in the passangers seat. WE are wanderers of North america blogging and living happily. If there is a man there, so be it, but all in all....

                                                                                                                Fuck That 🖕🏽

✌🏽

6.26.23


Post XIII


Vienna Waits for you


     I am gonna try to post on my Medium page more. I want the post their to be benificial for me and for others. The first post was about dating a Narscisttic person and how to leave. My second post was about my drig addiction. I left resources to get help on the page, just like I did with the first post. I hope that the outlet there will help others and that's all that goal is. I want my experience to help others get the help that they need. But, the only way that will happen is if they, YOU, want to go forth to accomplish it. 

     Today is day ten. Ten days of not using or poking my viens with a needle to get high. Yeah, ten days is not really a long time but for me it is. That means I went ten seperate days without letting my drug addiction get the best of me. I still need to reach out to a Narcotics Annonymous group then find a sponsor. That will happen, but let me focus on today, which is my court date. SInce I was marchman acted i have to show up in court to show the judge that I am capable of being a fucntional person. My mom filed for a second part which means I need more treatment, but in my perspective, i don't need that. I rather let someone else who actually is struggling to have whatever spot that I take up. I'm not as bad as the others, I have self control and I am self aware of my problem. I can do this, I will do this, I am this.

      I am not worried about the court hearing. I have been behind a bench before and that was the day before I found out I had HIV. Short story: I was punched in the face due to helping a black female escape a abusive domestic partner in May of 2022. I won that debacle but being on the stand while having a incompatant attorney try to belittle me was exhausting. I had to see the photo of my injury which I did not revist until then, which was eleven months later to be frank. It broke me, but that helped the jury understand the severity of the abusers actions. She should of had more jail time besides thirty days, we all know that she will attack someone again. They always do. (that last part made me think of Halsey.)

     I am on my way to the court houe and of all songs to play in the car was Fast Car by Luke Combs. There is a update to the entire Tucker situation. I want to explain it all and debrief it to you, and will. Just as I qill get to the part two of May 9th. Soon. Let's just focus on court and getting through today before worrying about a guy. I am sitting her in the hallway of the court house in Daytona Beach, My time was ten in the morning and it;s one hour past that. I saw Mallory, she kooks good outside the ware aand tare of SMA. I hope her case is solved and she is free to be a person again; I also hope she stays off her addiction and gets better. That's all I want for people like me, to get better.

     As for the lady that seems to have it worse than me, well I hope it calms. There is a storm brewing in your mind that makes you act this way. I do not know you, nor would I ever pay you mind if I was not like who I am today. She waved her hand toward me earlier asking me to come to her and then mouthed in a small whisper to me. "Who is your father?" That was off for someone to ask me that, and more off putting if you knew my backstory. That is for another post, because it's a long listed story on my own personl father issues. But why would this lady say that? Is it due to her addiction, mind problems, and or is it a higher calling trying to tell me to pursue that avanue.

     I will not go down that road right now. Currently my father is not wanting to speak to me. We have not talked since September. I was a different person then, and out of no where he called me a Meth Head before anyone outside my sister and the drug community knew I used, That was very concerning to me that he called me that; cause why was the notion? We exchanged so many fowl words that day and I recall me being in Walmart trying to figure out if I was going to pay my rent or if I was goign to buy food. The premier day of Chucky Season 2, becaue that was one of the last good days I had with Cameron. Cameron is a entire story on it's own...

     I won't go into that story right now, I have other things to worry about than a person who promised me something just to leave. That is something that occures over and over again. People promise to stay, to be there for me when things get rough, but then end up leaving because the roughness is to much for them. One main example is Tucker. He stated to me that he was never ready for a relationship, that he did not want one to begin with, yet he asked me out. Then when ever a fight started about that issue he would throw it in my face, he would tell me that he was not ready, then guilt me into reason about how I was unfair. HE ASKED ME OUT, I always said that I could wait till he was ready, and he kept saying that I pressured him to ask; he simply did it without force and it was after he left a hotel room cause he was feeling insecure. 

     A lot happened that day. I recall that day as if it was yesterday, March 12th. It was three days before Tucker actually lost interest in me. Riddle me this, if you lose interest in someone and think they are not worth your time or anything then why ask them out days after. Why go against what you want, what you feel, and ask someone out? That is not logical in any means, but for me, being asked out by the guy I fancied was something I wanted. So, obviously, I said yes while the car was rolling away from the Extended Stay back in March. That day was clear as the thoughts I am typing, if only I could go back to them. 

     Actually, I don't want to go back to those days. I learned all I have since then. There are things that I want to write about and things I want to post on Medium. The next thing I am going to be working on is How do you know your partner is working for the police or I will write someting on police tactics to make drug addicts look unreliable. THese things are pounding pressures that I ponder, and once I get it all out of my brain then I will be alright. I hope… 

     I named this post Vienna Waits for you because the song by Billey Joel. The entire song is a metaphor or a rubric that I will define my life as. "Where's the fire, what's the hurry about? You better cool it off before you burn it out. You got so much to do and only, so many hours in a day."  That line is me because I am so urgent on getting things accomplished and I want it done that instant. "Slow down you're doing fineYou can't be everything you want to be before your time. Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight." The song is all about just taking in the moment as is, do not rush your life, and things will come to you eventually just not now. It's simple.

     "You got your passion, you got your pride. But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?" Billy Joel never talked to Angelica Schyluer before, and if he had he would know that her nad I are never satisfied. Even when I get what I want I am never pleased with that. There were only a few things that I was settling on and to be honest I don't think those things were out of reach. Getting my book published, getting a compact van, getting a dog, and having a child. Those four things are somethign that I will never stride away from, because those things are what keeps me going through each simplistic day. The longing hope….

     It's noon and I am stil sitting her waiting to see the judge for my court hearing. I'm not upset that i've been sitting here for two hours, because I am simply waiting around all day anyway for my phone to be delievered. The tracking on UPS says by seven, which is fine by me. I have my computer and i have wifi here, I am content as I can be. I want to start going through the prices I can make from selling my YU-Gi-OH cards. I am thinking about putting them on this site where others can view them to buy. Should I?

     Things that I find so moronic, people who are not ude to service animals. Maybe i am privileged in udnerstand and knowing about the topic due to working for Walt Disney World. I am accosumed to knwoing the in and outs of someone who has a service animal. The common "ohhs" and the need to want to pet the dog are so mundane. You are never given the right to pet a service animal, they are on the clock doing their job. Would you interupt someone who was meant to do their job? The answer would and should always be a no.

      Of coruse, the man who had a service animal was my attorney for the case. He was nice and he was very personable, yet he kinda tried to direct me into what to say. I knew I wanted outgoing patient but he kept telling me to do residential. That was something I did not want nor did I need. I also said that I did have a drug problem but I've been good since the seventeenth, yet he said I had a bad drug problem… Old people are respected in my eyes but have you seen the show Dinosaur.  I agree that there was something from that show that should be implimented, the tar pit, Hurling Day.

     Thank god that my mom finally did something right in my eyes. She dropped the act, she actually meant her words. This makes me feel hope again, makes me want to keep going, makes me not want use. Maybe in die time this act she performed will wither away the dsigust and betrayl I have for her. It has been slowly going away with everything she has done for me. I do find gratitude in that and maybe oneday I will trust her once more. It's odd that I can regain any sort of connection with my mom, even after all the negative crap she has done. 

     She has been there for me since everything and not been so stand offish. I know that I am very edgy and hard to be around. That's not something that's new. I know that I am not nice all the time, that my words do have imoact on others. I understand how that will change things and I understand that I need to stop and think more. That's a lesson I learned directly from Tucker, but something I have heard all my life. 

     Since the case was dropped I think I can go back to talking about the recent development between Tucker and I. He messaged me yesterday saying he wanted nothing to do with me. That I creativly made him have a bleak existance in life. That he has to watch over his shoulder now, that he can not trust anyone, and that he can not even get high. He tells me he loves me yet he loves himself more, and that he will walk away from us. That the good times were just that, good times being created by the drugs alone and nothing else. To me all this helps the narration of what I think, and it's not a good one either.

     That is for another post, another discussion, another plot. I think this post is done for. I am going to set up my phone, get back intune with the world. I will search for a job, a sponser, and do my best. I am smart, I am kind, and I am me. I know now that people will come into your life, be something that you think they are just to be something else, then leave. Everyone leaves, but who choses to stay here in Vienna with you. That is the most important thing, finding those who are loyal and worthwhile.

     Tomorrow is Tucker's birthday, also It's Victoria's. I hope they have a good day. 

✌🏽

6/27/23