For Legal and Privacy concerns all names in these blogs have been changed. 


Post VII


The Longing Hope


     It’s been a month and a few days. A month since I found out that I have HIV. A month since Tucker and I broke up. A month since my entire life changed. There has been some crazy things that have happened this last month that make me sit down, look around, and say WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!

     The things that are getting to me them most are how I let people walk all over me like the used doormat on my balcony. Yes, it says welcome, but does it say to trample all over me and treat me like the entire world has treated you. No! I need to start saying that more, saying no. Because if I do not say no, I will lose it all. My mind, my heart, my lifestyle, and even my own very life.

     I feel very alone most days lately. My male roommate was so uncomfortable living here he moved out and I think the female roommate has not been back to the apartment in days. I am pretty sure that she left because I was letting Tucker around here. I have no money to pay my rent, no job, and barley any friends to keep me going. It’s very, very depressing being me in a three-bedroom apartment right now.

     I am going to be real and honest, not that I haven’t already been. I am scared shitless of myself. I am a person that gets attached to quickly to others. Ever since I was a child, I have been co-dependent. I was toward my mom, my sister, my friends, even to my toys. There has been a small amount of time in my life where I was alone, and that was from February 2016- April 2016, which is not a lot of time.

     I am very co-dependent on other people. That’s a basic fact, ask anyone in my life and they will all say the same thing. “Yes, Aiden has been with a guy no matter what”, and that is not wrong. Ever since I was able to date people, I was always with someone, started with Beth and now here I am hung up over Tucker. That man drives be bananas but at the same time he is the most passionate person I have ever met.

     And there you have it ladies and gentlemen, my entire problem. I am head over heels in love with this man but at the same time he treats me like dirt. He doesn’t think that he does, but in retrospect he does. He will always combat that with saying that I am the vile underminer, and yes, I can say mean things here and there, but actions also equivalate to words. And you can take back a comment, but you can’t take back an action. I’ve learned this over and over and over again.

     So, what should I do? Continue down this path of self-destruction to chase after a man who likes to play games? Or should I focus on myself and get my life back on track? The answer is simple, and I know that most of ya’ll are screaming at me to not focus on Tucker and just myself. You are all right. I need to do just that. But I want him in my life. He deserves success and a chance to be free from the toxicity of the world of drugs. Why can’t I have both?

    I know why…

    Tucker doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want to stop he like that rush of getting high. It masks the pain and guilt he feels from when he wakes up to the moment he crashes to sleep. I like getting high because it brings a feeling of happiness, a feeling that I have not felt like since I was a child. The longing hope that everything is alright, that nothing can take me down, and that I will be fine. I never feel that way when I am sober.

     So how do I get to that point? To the point of happiness and bliss? I need to reconnect with my roots. I need to be who I was born to be. I need to not let all the negative influence in my life and just focus on the things that matter to me. I need to focus on my writing, I need to focus on my life, I need to focus on all the small things I started while losing my job at Disney. I need to do this for myself because if I don’t, I’ll be lost forever in the dark abyss.

     I got this; I really do...

  Do i?

✌🏽

5/25/23

 


Post VIII


Chapters End...


     I have the slightest idea of what to type up, but here goes nothing. The weeks seem to drag on lately but at the same time they are speedier than a race car. I swear it was just my birthday and that I was thinking I was being framed for a murder. Where does the time go? I could answer that but I think it's better if you just assume that my time is spent doing absolutely nothing..

     What I should be doing right now is packing up my apartment and cleaning it for the move tomorrow. That's right, you heard it here first, I am finally leaving A5-307. What a whomping fresh news take. It was bound to happen eventually, but not two months before it was meant to. My lease is up on August 28th, 2023 but due to all the stress, drama, drug use, and the lack of money there was a forced eviction….

     Let me correct that. There has yet to be an eviction. The last day I had to pay my rent was today, June 16th. After that I am for sure going to be evicted from my apartment but I will be moving on the 17th. There will be no kicking and screaming when I leave this place, but I will be totally broken. My entire entity is attached to this apartment and all the memories that were created will haunt me forever.

     Yeah, I never been evicted of a place I lived at before, This is something new for me, new territory, Actually, all of the last few weeks has been something new for me. I finally figured out who was harassing me at night, which now bled into the morning and day time,. It was my neighbors! That was such a plot twist that even I did not see coming. I was caught off guard because who would think that they would have vendetta against me.

     Well, they did. The only real one that has any inkling of a grudge could have been Arik. I know why he would have such a vendetta against me. If I were him I would also be upset with everything that transpired between the both of us. He has every right to make sure my life is a living hell, but not the goons that are being 'righteous'.

      I started to write this post two days ago, I think. I said to my doctor that I never bring my computer into the bathroom so I am now, try new thing. That last part was completely. random but I wanted to add it. I am trying to make sure that my life isn't. as bad as I make it out to be. But in this reality, somethings are bad and that its just how it goes.

     My mental state currently is not good. There are things that are playing against me in my life and I have no idea what to believe anymore. There are times that I think that my neighbor across the way is home and trying to upset me,  but then she walks up that stairs moments later. How do I explain that? One minute she is in her apartment behind her door pretending to be having sex with my ex then the next moment I see her walking up the stairs with her family. It doesn't make sense.

     Another thing that does not make sense in my life is that there was this person in building five, on Parc Vue side, that would stare out his porch window at me. Well the other day I noticed that he was wearing a Looney Toons Basketball Tank top, like the one I use to own that I gave to Tucker. He had someone there with him and initiated me to come over. Of course, I was thinking to myself how odd this interaction was, but why not? I walked over to the apartment on the second floor then knocked. 

     The only thing that I heard from behind the door was muffled voices of the men saying that they did not expect me to go there. I waited for a little while for either one of them to answer, but there was none. In my head I thought that one of the men were Tucker, yet he said that he was in Clearwater. 

     Things like this keep happening. 

     Half the time I am scared and then I am worried for my future. My mom tells me that it will be all over on Saturday, but will it be all over? I will still feel alone because I won't have Tucker around to fill the void that I feel, I won't have my privacy or freedom as an adult. I will have my family but they do not understand me, My friends have their own lives, and they won't be there on a whim.

     And for the sake of it all, it's my fault. Tucker says that I need to focus on what I need to get done, that I need to just tone out all the noises and interruptions of my life. How do I do that when it keeps happening over and over again? Like right now I can hear a helicopter over flying over me. There is also the sound of police sirens most of the time, but they try to cover over it with someone vacuuming. These things are some of the things that I have no control over and I wish would just stop. 

     I feel like my mental health is plummeting at super fast speed. Tucker told me yesterday that the police could not arrest me until I did something illegal. There have been times where I have been directed to a Van with the key's inside the ignition. The realization came to me yesterday, that someone wanted me to get into the van and take it; knowing that it's my dream to have my own van right now. 

Once I sit next to the vehicle for a little while without stealing it other things start to happen. I am once again directed by nosies, people, or other things to an apartment. I sit outside it where I hear the father complain to his wife that a weird man is sitting outside, he was referring to me. The wife stated that I looked nice and sad, which in that moment I was very sad and lost. Lost is something I feel most of the time. 

     Misunderstood…That's me. I have a tattoo of the skunk from Bambi over my stomach. The animal is my favorite one and when I tell people why they understand.  Skunk's are misunderstood creatures. They are beautiful with heir black and white coats, yet they give off a terrible odor. That smell distances them from others and makes their appeal unwanted. They are misunderstood just like me.

     The other night Tucker woke me up from sleeping. I passed out on the carpet floor in my apartment, my door was wide open from another case of thinking the police was here. His feet were in my face as I came too, not remember what was going on. Next to me was my notebook with a letter he wrote, I did not get to read it until a day later. We spent all of an hour together because he did not want to hang out; yet for me I wanted him there forever.

     He spent the time converting his phone over while I sat on my bedroom floor just thinking, We went on a walk, which was normal for me to do; but there was no harassment from the residents. People were calling me Syphilis and just always looking at me as if I killed a person, With Tucker, none of that happened, 

     We ended up at his car where he started to tell me that he was always miserable when around me. That he did not know why he was even coming back to me or talking to me. It put me in a frenzy because I was mentally and emotionally fragile. I broke down on the sidewalk in front of my building while a female walked by explain to her friend that i was having a breakdown because i had a STD. 

     WHAT? I find it hard to understand why if I am crying or upset outside my apartment why do people never stop to see if i am okay? It's beyond me to understand that because I would ask someone if they were alright if they were sobbing in public. is it just me?

     I could go on and on about the weird things that keep happening to me. There is the odd occurrence that happened yesterday with my back door. It won't open anymore, as if it was glued shut to limit me inside my apartment. I know I did not force it close, so who did? I bet it is the same people that set up a meeting with Tucker and Joel...

     Let me back track a little. Joel is a guy I tried to date last year but it ended on my 30th birthday, Out of no where he told me he was not interested in me any longer, something he felt all day when we were at EPCOT. Yet, he did not want to ruin my day by telling me this, but in reality he should of told me the night before because I would have rather it that way, I rather be told  something upfront, because it shows how honest and real the person is. I will come back to honesty in a little while.

     So Joel and Tucker were next to each other on Grindr the other day, People have tried to discourage me from the entire location thing on the app, but it has helped me find people and locate them. I trust that more than I trust my ratchet neighbors, all they do is make me feel paranoid and feed me lies upon lies, I know that Joel and Tucker met, yet they keep lying about it…why?

     That brings me to this entire saga and why I am in the pickle I am in. I know it has to do with Arik and about something I told him. When I was at CREW the other day I heard their team having a meeting about a conversation me and Arik had, once where I said something which was not true, Firstly, you need to know that I have not been tested for anything in a long time, since 2015 I believe. I know that it is bad to not be up to date on that type of stuff and I am ashamed for it. I feel the guilt of that weigh on me like the world crushing Atlas. 

     I have stuff here to but deleted it because I felt like people were just wanting something out of me. I was getting my first shot for something last week, 6-17-23, and i heard a female reading off what i wrote. Instantly, I deleted the content but just know that I did say something and people are taking it as I ied. 

     October 31st, 2022 was meant to be a day where i was to be checked. But due to my drug use, my belief in superstitious nature, and lack of a positive mindset: i did not go to be doctors appointment. I thought I was clean because I did not show any signs of having a STD/STI. So, whatever happened happened and I had no idea, I found out I had HIV in April, months after the Monday Halloween.

 I feel like that version of me (On Edge) will be a normal thing once I move back to Daytona Beach, The pressure of starting over, again, will make me so aggravated, Having to live with my mother again will drive me to the point where I will be so miserable. There will be motivation left inside me to do anything; not write, not blog, not even watch tv, I am going to be nothing, just a shell of whatever is left,

     To be completely honest, all I want in this life is Tucker. He motivates me to be the best version of myself, even on the worst days. I have no idea why I have strong feelings for him or how they are still there after all this stuff that has happened. Some say it's the drugs, but I don't even think of that when I think of him. His warm caring nature is the first thing that come to my mind, Then it's his eyes, his smile, his touch, his hugs, and the way he makes me forget all my problems. 

     That's all I want in the world, him. I would give it all up for just the rest of my life to be with Tucker. He is the only person that I would cross the ocean for, or cover up a murder for. He is the first person I wanna see when wake up in the morning and the is the last person I wanna see before I sleep. I never had this intense sensation about someone before, the closest was my first love who lived in Virginia. There is just some magical force that connects me to Tucker and I wish I knew what it was. He will always be my first choice.

     This will probably be my last post from Orlando. I am going to miss this town a lot. The last eight years has been one wild ride, I worked for a great company for seven of those years, was in a good relationship for 6, and met some of the most amazing people ever. I would not take any of it away, the good and the bad. I am who I am today because I moved here back in 2015. It was once my dream to move here when I was 18 and I did just that.

     My next dream is something different. It is something that I wanted to do ever since I heard the name Gabby Petito. I want to get a van, convert it into a space I can dwell in, and then get a dog. These two things are something that my heart desires; of course I want Tucker with it but that is something I can not force nor make happen.

     I will get to that idea in my head. It will take a lot of energy and work, but I know that I can do it. It's going to be a rough trail to walk, and I know I won't be alone. But for me to do this, I have to realize that there are people in the world that have it worse than I do. I have people that care, I have a okay to go, and I will have food to eat. So, at the end of the day, I will be okay.

To all the people that do reach out and all the people that do care about me. Thank you. I know that many people have no idea about this blog, but they will, When the go and read it I hope they understand that this is something to just record my life. I want my story to be heard and I want to be understood for what I see. I hope next time I post my mindset will be that of a positive person.

All I can do is just be me.

✌🏽

06/16/23


Post IX


Alone & Undetectable 


     I feel like i am not wanted by anyone anywhere anymore. It's like i am just a burden amongst this floating rock in the sky. The feeling is something of feeling a empty void that will never be able to close. Healing is slowly coming along with the dread of being alone in this vast world. How will I know that things will get better if the appeal that I am delievered is not that of hope. I have none of that right now to see what my future entails, because at the end of the day it will only be me

     The only person that I can rely on is myself. My mother, my sister, ny friends, my ex-work friends, my ex boyfriend, and even people I have conversations and interactions with will not be there when the darkest days are to bleak to even see any light, They clearly do not understqnd the longing feeling of being wanted and accepted. The closest one that could retain any emotions that I am radianting off my body is Tucker, He had been left, forgotten, scorned, retracted, banished, and even rejected by a myriad of people. He get it, he gets me to a level that no one has ever reached. My core. 

     There has to be a place in thie crappy place that wants me. I know the Daytona Beach did not want me back when i grew up there. Iowa, Virginia, Orlando, and Dinsey all are included on that list of forbidden places of acceptence. I think of going to Buffalo where there are nice people all around. It was a pleasant place there, but I know when I revisit the memories will not be just. I will have the fond emotions of my tripo in July. That was a life changing expereince and i wish that i never returned to Florida ony July 12th. Things woiuld be greatly different if the trip never ended. 

     I had responsiblities that beaconed be back home: an apartment, a rabbit, and a job. Look at me right now, sitting on the carpter of my shell of a home watching my sister and others move my things. Yeah, I should be doing more and everything but I packed it all and hadf to endure the emtoptional and Mental abuse that transpired for two long months. I am not the same person that I was nback in April. Hey, I am not the same perosn I was back in February. I have changed on a whole amount of things, and to be honest I like the person i am today.

     The only thing that I wish i could take back is the feeling of being alone forever. I think of that coinstantly. It liongers in the back of my mind like the bats at the end of a dark cave. It flutters there waiting to make me feel weak abnd vunerable. The frenzy that comes from the beast charging from the abyss is me when I can't control the floodgates. It's a horrendous occurance that I wish never would come, but it does. 

     Like right now, I feel alone. As if I am curled up in a corner with no one here to give me support. I need someone to tell me that it will always be okay no matter what. Someone to pat me on the back while i think that the world is against me. It is something that I find easy to ask for but something not tangibnle at all. How hard is it to comfort a person when they need it during thier worst time. I can not take anymore punches right now, i need some good throws. 

     I want something good to happen to me...

     By the way, I am undetactable.

✌🏽 

06/1`7/23

 


Post X


Dead Wrong


     I have been in Port Orange for not even three days. THREE and all the people that I am meant to trust have let me down. My sister, My mother, my step father, my friends, and even the love of my life. They all think they are doing what is best for me, but do they even know what the best is?

     The best does not include working with who ever is out to get me. I am not a fool, nor am i a pawn in anyones game to be played. My doctor and Tucker tell me that I am not going to get arrested yet here I am, being followed to no end. I am not going to sit around and let them harrass me any longer.

     Eventually this will come to a close, This entire book will be over. I will be closing the hardcopver copy and then listen to all the gasp as i relive all this trauma that was placed upon me. No single person should have to feel like I have been feeling. No one should have to feel like they have no one to trust, not a single person.

     Let's start with the fact that ever since I got to Daytona Beach I have had eyes on me since i got off the greyhound. I thouight that this was all going to be over, that all the paranoia and stalking was done. I was wrong. I was dead wrong. I have been getting uber drivers that can speak english on the application yet in person they act as if they have never spoke a single word of english. How odd?

     My sister has broken my trust the most. She said she would never betray me, yet here i am. She is using words like "Icream Place" and "Party", those are drug words. She thinks she is slick,, but all in all; she is just one of Tucker's Merri-Men of Morons. They all all.

     Tucker has been in Port Orange since I got here. He has been staying at the neighbors house next to my mothers. My mom says that there is a child next door, yet I have yet to see them. The child is named Tuicker and he has the same voice that Tucker used when he pretended to be a charcter he made up named Darla. Yes, Darla was name after the girl from Finding Nemo.

     Tucker has been making fake Grindr accounts trying to get me to get T and parTy. I know your body, I knoew the freckles you have, i know what your feet look like. This is something that I will never forget. I will always know what you're body is shaped like, I am in love with you and no matter what anyone says, I am. 

     I met this kid yesterday after my mom punched me in the chest, his name was also Tucker. He gave me a 2 Liter of Pepsi: which i am positive had laxitive in it. I could not control my shits so, yes, i shat myself. It was disgusting and i promise you that there was no one ot anything that could have seen me do that. And if so, then who was following me around and why?

     So all in all, never trust anyone. not a stanger who thinks you are having a bad day or even you own blood. The only person that will make sure you are okay is you. Fuck the rest, and true honesty because if you believe any of that then you are dead wrong. 

✌🏽

06/20/23