For Legal and Privacy concerns all names in these blogs have been changed. 


Post IV


The Right Favorite Person


     Have I lost sight of my entire life? I think I have. I have no where to go but up I guess. There is nothing here in this master bedroom that I would want. Not my Pretty Little Liars DVDs, not my ancient old Harry Potter books, and not even my hat collection. The only thing that I wish I would want next to me wherever I went would be him. But, can I have that at all. The answer right now is no. I pushed him off the cliff, with my own two hands. Only after watching him tumble his way down the ledge side was when I realized what I have done. 

     I am a monster. There is nothing no one can say that would change that about me. If you are one of those people, then that means you heavily seen my good side, and well I am very grateful for that. No matter what I do, what I say, or what I care about; I will always do something that will diminish the care someone has for me. That is what I did with Tucker, and doing that is the thing that will end the rest of my chanced of any hope. I can not see a way back from this ledge, and nothing will catch me once I finally take that same plunge to the depths below. 

     Ever since I was a kid, age six, I gave up the term hope. I never thought I would see the day where I would regain the optimism of that word, or even feel the sensation of what it can do. I was always let down by the people I cared about. They would hurt me, lie to me, deceive me, and leave me. I have been alone, to myself, since then and it has been a hardship, knowing that no matter what you would do in this life that you will always be alone. 

    There was nothing that was going to change that, until February 26th, 2023. That was the day I met Tucker Michael, the person that would make me believe in hope again. 

     I've made some terrible actions and have said some horrendous things to this man. I have threatened to ruin his life on a few occasions because I felt hurt. Yes, my feelings are valid, but no I would never attempt to ruin his life to that extreme. I did once post a nasty accusation on his non profit Facebook page, and ever since then I have been beating myself up for it. I promised him that I would never do such, Yes I have since then said some terrible things, which came after he called me some drastic names. Fighting to the extreme is something created out of passion, right? These fights are the catalyst to the end, and when that dooming day comes….actually I don’t want to think about that. I just stopped crying, which has been seven hours. 

     I want to write a letter to him, something that is endearing and monumental. I know that he did not want a relationship when he met me, and I was not even looking for one. The last guy that tore me up like a used piece of paper was something totally opposite of Tucker. That guy was horrible to me, and never thought what he was doing was wrong. Tuckerr, on the other hand had feelings and cares about me; even if I say he doesn’t when I am upset. There are things about him that just get me going and the first thing that does exactly that is his drive to be better than what he was prior. He is a staple of how every man should be, and what I want to be. 

     Yes, I have a lot to work on. I am no perfect person, neither are you. I have massive trust issues that can mimic the height of Mount Everest, They are created by the lack of attention I got from people I cared about in my past. The constant cheating my previous relationships scorned me with. The constant need to want to be involved in my partners life more than a normal person should be. The biggest one beside all my problems is that Tuckerr is very closed off. He is this way because all his past trauma, his relationship hardships, and the urge to wanting to be independent enough that he doesn’t even need a person. What he doesn’t know is that everyone needs a person that is there for you, even if it’s someone as despicable as I. I know, don’t be so hard and down on yourself; but I have to because I hurt this man. I hurt this man and I can’t live with myself knowing that he is out there with the pain that I caused.

     We all have pain that we are hiding. Some of us use this pain to hurt other people.. Tucker told me this, “Hurt people hurt people” and it has stuck with me since. That is something that everyone should realize when walking the streets. There are people that are fighting demonic battles in their heads and we have no idea, but they are keeping a fronting smile and a demeanor so jitter that it could make the sugar plum fairy faint with exhaustion. Yet we have our own problems that we keep at bay. Some of us share with their close circles and the others never release the information to others. I am the close circle one as Tucker is the opposite,

     My actions are the things that define who I am as a person. The thing I say are held by others to be what makes a character. “Actions speak louder than words” is my go to saying. “Words have meaning,” is what Tucker would say back to that.                                                                      

     We  have two different stand points on the subject. Mine comes from my parents not being around much as a child and they would promise a vast selection of things to me, but it never happened.  I have no idea why Tucker agrees more with the words that someone says than the actions that they do. I have to respect that and him if I want any sort of future relationship with him. And trust me when I say this, I DO!

     He is my support system through all this, my rock. I can rely on him to answer whatever question that pops in my head. He makes sure that I am at ease with the diagnosis. I would not want anyone else in the entire world try to help me over Tucker. He is a caring, compassionate, and knowledgable man, and not even about HIV.      He can tell me many thing that I do not know.

     My head is filled with useless information, like rows on rows of filing cabinets. Imagine the episode from Sponge Bob Square Pants when Sponge Bob deletes everything from his brain and he could not remember who he. I wish I could do that, delete something in my noggin, just to have a refresh.

     That would be the best thing in the world. It would come in handy when I want to forget something moronic that I said or did to Tucker….Like today and all the fights that we endured.. And Tuckerr, if you are reading this entry, just know that I do have tremendous feelings for you. I want nothing but the best things in life for you and I never want to see you hurt.  Of course I want to date you, but you are far from ready for that and I am content with just having you in my life as a friend, There are time that we do not agree on things, and that is normal. We should never agree 100% on a topic, if we did we would not be two separate entities.

     We are great together because we are different. Two messed up peas in a pod, yet I would not change a thing about you, nothing at all. To me you are perfect as they come and I want to enjoy all the moments I have in life with you beside me taking it all in one screw up at a time. You, Tuckerr Michael, are my favorite person on this planet and my life partner no matter what we throw at each other. I promise that this is not going to be as hard as it has been and I will work on the things that need to be better; not only for me…but for you.

     You deserve the entire FUCKING world, Tucker and I really hope I get to be part of it… I really do.

✌🏽

5/1/23


Post V


A Tectonic Shift


     The entire world froze and I had no idea what just happened...

     That was intense, all the things that occurred since I wrote the last post. I can feel the earth move underneath my feet and I am barley holding on. Tucker and I are no longer anything, and it breaks my heart. There are many things I wish, but to be without I’m is not one of them. I do love that man with every fiber in my body, every translucent image of my soul, and every molecule in my brain. But just like everything, our relationship was over. He could not be the person that I needed and I could not be the person he wanted either.

     It’s tremendously hard for me right now due to the diagnosis, not having a car, nor having money (Job). I feel stuck and worthless, and there will be many that will say I am not, but that is how I feel. I need to find a reason to live outside of Tucker…he was my entire being and I need to figure out how not to be like that. I have ideas for what is next for me and it will be the hardest thing I had ever done.

     I will release a few blogs after this one, things that I have kept private and personal. I do not want people to not know who I am or what I have been through. Let’s just say many will be taken back and this is not going to be easy on me. I am not ready for my world to change, but this tectonic shift is what needs to be done in order to get my stability and self worth back. I let others use me to the point of nothing, and I need to feel something once again…something other than demise and destruction.

     And, if you are reading this Tucker, just know I will always love you till  my last blood vessel dries up in my veins. You are my everything and I need you to know that it was always you. You were my ride or die, my favorite person, my life partner… you were it all.

     I did not need anything, anyone…all I needed was you and your embrace to get me through the day. I will miss you the most. I love you Tucker Michael, and I am sorry that I'm not good enough to be loved back.

✌🏽

5/2/23


Post VI


NOTHING BUT SUPPORT


         It’s odd because everything seems off. The friendly vibe of CREWhealth wasn’t here today and it felt more like a police station. It could be my nerves or my anxiety, but I swear to god this isn’t going to end well: what is happening, I have no idea.

         Tucker drove himself to the clinic as I, not being comfortable in his car, took an uber. I sat in the uber not knowing what to expect. I knew that the phone call I had with the receptionist earlier that day was off, just like every other interaction I was having. I just did know what to do, I needed someone there with me and I needed Tucker to be that one person.; I was dependent on him, and he dealt with all this before, He was my rock.

         There were two guys in beards at the reception desk and they were nice, but I got cop vibes; Tucker isn’t here yet and I’m waiting for him cause I need support. He’s taking his time and to me that’s also sketchy. He’s being so weird, everything about my life isn’t right. Nothing is going as I think it should and all people say is that I’m lucky to have such a positive outlook. How can I be negative when all I want is to feel normal and not crazy.

     The crazy parts are going to keep coming and I swear to him that I am trying not to look at life that way. It’s extremely hard to do so. Things add up to being a way to get me in trouble and for what! I did not do anything; that I know of. So why is all this happening.

     Doctor Clyde was amazing. He was so supportive and willing to listen to my problems. He has the same issues I have. He was an addict, he was lost, and he also is gay, He is fifty years old, but he looks as though he is 35. He eats right, works outs, and takes care of his mental health. He told me that I needed a strong support system during this trying time. He told me that I should not rely on Tucker, who just left me here because I asked him a simple question. Yes, I told him to just leave because he was trying to argue with me while I was fragile; but did I mean to actually leave me? No.

     I learned my count is 1,900. He said that was bad and that I am a high risk of passing HIV onto someone, meaning no sex for 3 months. I have to take Dovato, which he gave me 2 bottles of. At the end of finding out my results Dr. Clyde gave me a hug; it was nice to know that he cared and that he wanted what was best for me. He said that I can see a therapist and get tested for BI Polar disorder once I was off my addiction.

     The only thing that I did not like about my visit was that he kept correcting me when I told him I haven’t smoked or slammed in a few days, which was true; yet he kept saying I did it that day. I did more blood work and did an anal and throat swab to check for any STI’s. I talked opening with the nurse and that was something very new to me. 

     Then I read my texts from Tucker. He went to Kyle’s and Ross to get high. How could you leave the person you care about to go get high when he is needing you for support. Of course, that put me in a frenzy because 1.) I didn’t have a ride home. 2.) I wanted now to get high. 3.) he went to the two people I told him not to go to without me. So, I got a Lyft, a very handsome guy non the less, and headed over to the Extended Stay.

     I marched my way up to the room where they all were. Tucker was not there, yet I was texting him since I left. It was odd because when I got there Ross answered the door and he said that Tucker went to his car. I hastily darted my way back to the hallway and down the back steps to the spots Tucker liked to park. I did not see him at all, not in his car, not anywhere. I walked back to the second floor to see Tucker starring out the window. He was so calm when he turned toward me, yet I was in a frenzy of confusion and hate.

     When I got into the room after Tucker gave me the longing hug, I needed his voice changed and he explained to the other two that I needed a hug. It was nice to get that, but my anxiety was off the roof. I felt that something was going on and that there was something different, in that case I got up after telling them that I wanted a 70CC shot and excused myself for a walk around the hotel.

     I had an inkling that Tucker was working for the police. I thought that for days. I typed out a text to Rossl and Kyle explaining that and they simply turned my concern down. After two 3 musketeer bars I went back up to the room. I heard helicopters and sirens going off in my mind, thinking that it was going on in real life. Ross told me that there were rides for tourist and that I knew that, in which I did not.

     The three of them started to berate me on how none of them were cops. That none of them were trying to get me in trouble or frame me for anything. Yet here I was about to do drugs with them and hearing all those noises. What was I meant to do? Sit there and let it all affect me like it was. I wanted to leave and just as I was about to go to Tucker jumps up in an aggressive manner and almost shoves me to the ground.

     Ross and Kyle were more upset that I wanted to leave than the nature of my ex trying to hurt me. That was my last straw, I needed to leave. I left, with them calling out for me to come back, for me to not do anything stupid, and the only one that could have made me come back was Tucker, yet he didn’t even try.

     I walked around the hotel for almost an hour waiting for someone to come down to comfort me. To tell me the I was going to be okay, yet no-one showed; not even the man I loved. I finally decided to leave, to walk around International Drive alone with my sister on the phone. I was losing my mind at this point, trying to connect all the dots that I had and then realizing that I could not trust nobody,

     After a while I called a few friends. Some were telling me to go home, some telling me to go back to the hotel, and some not even answering their damn phones. Tucker tried to call me multiple times, but I never answered, When the sun started to set, I was getting nervous for my safety. If there is anywhere you do not want to be when it was dark, it was International drive.

     I begged Tucker to come get me, to pick me up and take me home. He never responded. I walked all the way back to the extended stay after trying to look for a sex shop to buy a toy to last me until my three months was up, I never did find one. I sat down next to Tucker’s car and talked to my friend Marissa about everything. She was nice and she made sure that I was okay. I wasn’t though.

     Tucker took me home; it was silent in the car beside the conversation I was having on the phone with my sister. She and I talked about my birthday plans, and how she wanted Tucker to go to the condo with me and just relax. He did not want to go, and he refused to talk to me.

     When we parked in front of my apartment I asked him for a hug goodbye, He refused, which gave me the notion to start crying. His hugs could cure cancer, yet he did not want to give me one. I told him how I would really want him to go upstairs cause he had to use the bathroom, but he refused that also. 
 The last thing he said to me before I got hurt of the car was that his stomach hurt, and that my pain of hurt was the same as his; and that he was probably going to die that night. I did not take it as an odd thing to say and got out of the car.

     Before I went into the area where my staircase was, he pulled over to tell me that there was a picture on my snapchat story of the night he pulled the fire alarm. He said that that was the reason everyone was looking at me weird in the neighborhood, and that the cops knew that it was I who pulled it, not him, I was shocked…

     He drove off leaving me there thinking to myself. I did not know if that was the last time I would see him, or if I would see him again. I texted him asking what that was about, and he got angry with me. He said that was going to go to Kyle  and Ross to fuck them both, which he knew that it would hurt me. It did.

     I went upstairs crying my eyes out because I was over today. I was hurting drastically and had no one there to vent to. I put my head on my pillow and just let the tears flow out from my swollen eyes…

Part 1

Part 2 will come someday...

✌🏽

5/9/23


Post XXXIV

     This place, again. I never wrote about the first time I went to jail . but this is this is not the place for that. I swear to god. That I have not been so miserable in all my life. But you reap what you sew I think that is the terminology. And boy. Did I deserve this.

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POST XXXIII

     I am no longer the user in the constant life of an addict. I am the rig. I am constantly filled, smoked, then empty. It's a never ending cycle of torture. Why do I constantly go through it? Because that's just who I am. I am an addict, made by another addict who tried to warn me of the life. 

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POST XXXII

     It started when I was looking over the lake behind Tom's house. I saw many cop cars in the darkness. I said nothing because they would just roll their eyes. Yeah, you bet. It's a fucking TRAP! I had no part of any of this shit that happened. Tom bought a lot of stuff and I should have known something odd was up when him, his ex, and his friend started talking about police raids. 

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POST XXXI

     I am hanging here at my friends house, the one I have been staying ay all day… well the police and who ever are making it look like I am mentally crazy.  Oakley reminded me today hoe yo lock the doors, .and since ive been here the dogs have newer got out beside one time. Today three time and that is not like the dogs Oakley Has been fasting to make it look like that he doesnt smoke Tina. He does, and he has done this since the day we met. 

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POST XXX

     It's ironic that this post is called what it is after the last one was called Safe Place.. Everything comes together eventually, and I will always see the light coming from the smallest crevice. The shadows of these demons are always coming to me at night.

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POST XXIX

     Here I go. So the tactics of the Port Orange Police Department or anything else of that magnitude is corrupt. I know that I am not the best looking person in the world.  I know that sometimes white lies come from my mouth. I know that This iw all my outlook of life and not yours. But I swear on my grandfathers deathbed, I have been harassed by the Port Orange Police Department for months.

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