I am no longer the user in the constant life of an addict. I am the rig. I am constantly filled, smoked, then empty. It's a never ending cycle of torture. Why do I constantly go through it? Because that's just who I am. I am an addict, made by another addict who tried to warn me of the life. 

     I am at the point where I want to stop, I do. But there is alway the need to keep going. I've done rehab, I've done detox, I've done the consult friends and family to get help. It doesn't work. All it does is send me into a further darkness of helplessness. I have not a single person here in Daytona that understands what I am going through. I miss Orlando and the connections I made when I lived there. I miss it a lot, but I can never go back...

     I am a different type of addict. There are the ones that will break the law to get the drugs that they need. There are the ones that will sell their bodies and do unjust deeds to get what they want. There are other who will steal from friends and break the bonds to get their hands on drugs.

   I would rather wither away than steal from my friends. I would never break into anyones house to get possessions to sell for drugs. I am too conscious to do something of that nature. I have a soul, a good one at that. When people in the store look at me and judge me based on the scratches on my body, it makes me want to scream. Why judge someone based off that? You know why, it's because the human race as a whole are disgusting people. 

     I just found out that my cousin, the one that I might go stay with if I leave this state, reads my blog now. She will not want me to come when she gets all caught up. She made a deal with me before I went to jail that she would let me live with her. But, since I have yet to stop doing drugs, I bet she will say no. I will be willing to end this usage if she lets me, but will she after finding out how far gone I am? 

     A few blog posts ago I know that I stated that I would never stop doing what I am doing. Of course, I will if it means getting a better life. I would stop using hard drugs, I would be better, and I would calm my life down. The high is not worth not having loved ones, friends, or a stable life. I want that…I really do.

     I promise that most of my post are not all about drugs. I know that it seems like they are. I remember a time when this blog was going to be about my HIV journey. It was never meant to be focused around Tucker, around drugs, or about anything to be honest. I just want to get it all out, the real and nasty stuff that my life has become. What has my life become...

     There are times when I find myself starring off into space thinking about when my life turned toward the worst. I can say it was when Disney let me go, or when I broke up with Darren, or maybe it was when I smoked my first pipe. It could have been anything of that, no one can really know. Of course, many will debate and speculate when my life took the spiral turn. But in reality, only I can say when it did. 

     Where I am now in my life is not where I thought I would be. I thought I was going to be published by now. I had no idea that I would be heart broken over a guy that I would have never even crossed paths with. I would have never thought I would be in the predicament that I am in now. I am further from where I thought I would be and with all honesty, that kills me. 

     I am dying over here, slowly. I am literally killing myself every day with the fact that I am living my worst nightmare. I was afraid to ever be in jail and look at that, I accomplished that. My life is basically the song by Halsey, Nightmare or you could say it's the song Graveyard. I want to focus my passion back to Twitter and Onlyfans. I want to do something that I was doing before the world of Tina took over. Here I go again, talking about drugs. -twirls little red flag- 🚩

     I want to just end this blog post by saying that half the day I want to cry my eyes out. I am very thankful for the people I have in my life. I am thankful that my mom is still here supporting me after all the stress that I have put her through. I am thankful for my best friends that have shelled money out to help me do stupid ass shit. I want to thank one person in particular, and I know that I put him through a lot in the short amount of time I have known him. Thank you Oakley. Thank you for opening your home to me, for letting me vent to you, cry on your shoulder, and just being a menace to your life. Nobody has to ever endure this and I just want you to know I cherish your existence more than anything right now. I love you. 

     I need to stop wasting time. I need to figure out what to do in then ext few days. I need to focus on my book and get the last few chapters typed. I need to come up with a way to make some money. I need to control my drug habit. I need to listen to other people and stop thinking I know the best thing. I need rio do the next right thing. I need to…I need to breathe. 

I'll get it right.



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Andrew David Dowler
5 months ago

At one point we get sick and tired of being sick and tired. A problem identified is already half-solved. Believe in yourself. Trust and believe.