POST XXXII


Why Can't i


     It started when I was looking over the lake behind Tom's house. I saw many cop cars in the darkness. I said nothing because they would just roll their eyes. Yeah, you bet. It's a fucking TRAP! I had no part of any of this shit that happened. Tom bought a lot of stuff and I should have known something odd was up when him, his ex, and his friend started talking about police raids. 

     This is moronic. I can not live this life anymore. Yes, the sex part is decent when I smoke, but the people, situations, and the ordeals that the stress comes with. This is the last straw, my last straw, my last. It has to be, if I do not stop I will be in a place I DO NOT WANT TO BE. I rather be not me, not here, not anywhere that involves the life I have. Just to clarify, I would never, in a million years KILL myself. I will never do that!

     Fuck this entire situation that I am in. Why am I the only exception? Why can everyone else in Port Orange and Daytona Beach get to get high and get drugs yet I am not allowed. This is singling me out and how is that lawful? There were other people in that house that were smoking. They played the buyer role really well in front of me, yet I never bought anything from Tom. He sold to every single person there beside me. and I thought that it was off. He is not a good person, and is a fucking fake. 

     That was two days ago almost, or maybe a day and a half. I spent the night last night at a hotel. I passed out instantly when I got there. SO, there were no drugs involved in my night. Thank the maker. I spent most of today walking around, charging my phone,, and thinking about a lot of things in my life, and that change starts with me. and the actions that I make. I can not blame anyone but myself.. 

     I'm at the library just trying to charge my phone and my computer. These two things have been dead repeatedly. I have idea how long I can keep going like this until I finally break. I know that I said my mentality is withering away the other day, but that was because my mind was not clear. It is still not functioning like it normally would do. My main thinking process is that I think everyone is out to get me and that everyone is lying about something. 

     That could be a me thing. Something that is wrong with me but I project it out into the world onto others. I know I am not the most angelic person in the world. I have made some pretty terrible choice the last few years, I have told some lies, screwed people over, and just gave zero fucks about what other people wanted. There has also been timed where I have dropped everything for someone, who would have never done it for me. 

     So, I am at the library sitting here and there was a raccoon in a tree. That's how uneventful my life is right now because I am typing about a raccoon and not the idea that I think that most of these people in here are not here for library  purposes. I wonder how Aileen Wuornos stayed out of the public eye for so long while committing crimes. She was notorious around Daytona Beach and yet it took the authorities one entire year to find her. 

     Switching subjects for a second. I want to go back to the other night at Tom's house. I brought up the camera thing and he said it was in my head. How can something that I saw on his driveway camera be in my head? I know that I have been on this entire rant about how I am targeted by the police. It could be the truth, it could be semi-truthful, but I know for a fact that I am not wrong. I could be overly dramatic about the situation, but why waste time, effort, and money to chase me around during my scheming, 

     I have had theories about all this since the beginning, when Tucker was involved. I have mentioned the theories before: The Authorities, A Narsassistic Family Cult, The Meth Mob, and even the Health Department. These all dwindled as time went on and on but the two that stood the stand of time was The Meth Mob (lol) and the Police and Healthcare. 

     I would have never considered something like Tree People to be to be a thing. I can recall when Clyde was standing on my apartment balcon, smoking a cigarette, and he basically asked me if I saw them. I laughed when he said that because addicts only ever talked about Shadow People. These other people were so new to me, and I thought it was a joke until a few days after when I was in Clydes hotel room starring at a tree person.

     It's baffles my mind that something that someone can say can turn into a reality. I once told someone that I disliked skulls because it haunted me about death. Then I meat Oakley, who had his house decorated in them. The thing that I say will be manifested because who ever is in control of this crap as story makes it do so. I am not in control of many of the things that are happening to me. I am in control of the bad decisions tI make.

     The library is closing soon and I need to figure out my next move. I will be seeing Oakley tonight to discuss things with him, but other than that I have nothing happening. Who know, this might be the last thing I type for a while, it could be. I don't know much about what my future holds, but I do know that whatever road it takes, I am going to have to suffer. I want to walk around the lake one time to ponder my thoughts and just get a calm sensation before something happens. I know now that I dislike extremely quiet places, not as much as I hate a place with loud ass air conditioning. 

 I hope I get to blog more. We will see...

       It was just my anxieties gettin the best of me. I really want two know why my brain does what it does. There has to be a logical explanation for that, and before anyone that does read this, it's drugs. Most definitely...

     I have been sitting on Oakley's steps since around 7:30 and it is now ten. He should be getting here soon-ish and then we talk. I made a small list of what I want to talk to him about. The first thing is how I appreciate him and how gracious I am for him letting me stay at his place when I had no where to go. He really did not have to do that, but he did..

     The second thins is to ask him what I stole. I can not think of anything, If it is the shoes that I am wearing then that is not stolen he basically gave them to me. If he does think I stole them then I will give them right back to him. I do not want him to think that I would do such things. I would never do steal from someone that opened their home to me. That would be an awful thing to do. 

     The third thing that I wanna discuss with him is if he will forgive me. I don't see why I have to do such a thing like that and ask him. Her is the one that said all the horrible things to me. He called me a whore. He said that I did not carte about anything and that I had no respect. He said my entire self being revolved around drugs and that's all I do is get high: and that I would have no teeth one day and be just like all the others addicts out there. 

     Yet I will grovel and apologize for the "mess" that I created.. All my life I had to be the bigger person and make amends to peopler. If someone did wrong by me out hurt me in any way I would have to be the one that went up and fixed the situation. I have been doing it ever since I could talk, and to be frank, I am tired of it. I need to learn to walk away. I need to learn that sometimes there is no greener pasture. Sometimes I need to learn the lesson at bay and just say FUCK YOU and your delusional self worth.

     But I can't do that this time. Why not? Because I do value Oakley. I do want him to understand that I would never bite off the hand that fed me. One day I will pay him back for all the generosity that he lent out and I will make sure that he knows that he is worth of something. Even if I did nothing wrong. I hope he lets me stay tonight because it's kind of cold out and I have no place to go. I do not want to walk around the streets, nor have to be confronted by a police officer. I just want to grab my sTuff and sleep. Is that too much to ask for?

     For Oakley, it probably is. 

     I have this awful sensation that he is going to betray me again and call the cops. I have no idea why he would do that or what he would gain from something so petty. It just seems like something he would do to get spiteful vengeance against me. I know that I have been that way and I am trying in all my glory and power to be someone that I wasn't;t before all this mess. I don't want to fuck up his life nor do I want to go further down the drain on my own.

     My mom told me tonight that it would be alright if I left Florida. I've been contemplating it since this entire failed drug test thing. I have no idea if it talked about it here but since I failed my UA I have to go to jail. I don't want to do that at all. I will be mentally destroyed if I go back to that shit hole place and I am almost to the point where I have no care for anything. So, for the last two weeks I have been hiding out and getting high. I know that doesn't sound spectacular but I rather be like this than controlled by people that have a fucked up system to make audits and ruin lives. 

     Where would I go? Everything tells me to go to a family members place somewhere. But, should I? it weed be super hard for me to just forget about this life I have. I would want to start over and to do that I would have to haver a new name. How hard is it to come up with money, change your identify, and be someone new? Joe did it in YOU, so why can't I?

     The talk that I had with Oakley was a good one. He had me crying and realizing that this is not the life I want. Even though I do not want to go to jail, I don't want to be homeless either. I want a few days to think about things and get things in order if I do turn myself in. Everyone is right though, I am talented. I am a good writer. 

     There is character in my life that I have yet to establish in here, and his name is Jay Mister. I trusted him enough to do me a favor and he did not do that. He ended up stealing from me and from Oakley. I know I am a drug addict, but I am not junkie. I would never steal another person's drugs. I would scrap from a pipe and use that rather than steal fresh stuff. 

     I was looking forward to get off all of my worries off of me yesterday when I was let back into Oakley's house, but to find out that Joey stole that away from me ruined my mood. If I do go to jail, I want to be as high as a kite from that Mary Poppin's song, Let's Go Fly A Kite. I am going to end this post with how I felt before I passed out sitting up last night. I felt angry that I put trust into Jay. I felt gratitude for Oakley letting me stay here.

But overall, I felt lost and that I wish I could recognize myself in a mirror. 

11.4.23

✌🏽


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