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TRAP HOUSE


     It's ironic that this post is called what it is after the last one was called Safe Place.. Everything comes together eventually, and I will always see the light coming from the smallest crevice. The shadows of these demons are always coming to me at night.

    Before I get on the subject I want to write about I want to discuss my emotional state. I know that I seem to come off content and gone, but deep down I'm far from it. I am broken. I am heart broken, I am devastated, and my moods are reckless. The things I want in my life are not what I have right now. I don't have the guy I am in love with, others say that it's an obsession, but when you feel a strong connection then is it that?

     I know that I barley cry anymore, but when I was with Tucker I cried every fucking day. Sometimes it was from anger, sometimes it was from him leaving. I never once gave alligator tears when I was with him. He made me feel raw emotions until the day I saw him last. I just had a feeling of despair wash over me when I saw his last Facebook post. He doesn't''t post much, but it was one asking for a hug. He gives the best damn hugs in this universe. That;'s one thing that made me fall in love with him. 

     Vulnerable was the man factor with him. When he and I first met I saw something I had not seen in a long time, hope. He brought that back for me. He made me feel content with the life I what, even when I was jobless and losing it all day by day. He calmed the fucking storm that I created. Yet, the storm did not pass, it lingered and I was in the eye of it all. 

    Through the high times and the times of him and I not seeing each other, my feelings for him have always been the same. When  was in Orlando last weekend he and I saw each other for the first time since June. He looked as if he stepped out of one of the pictures we took when we were together. I tried so hard not to make eye contact with him because if I did I would have bawled  my eyes out. When he dropped me off at the location I wanted to go he gave me a fantastic hug. That is the only thing that has kept me together these last few days. 

     A hug has made me feel like the reality I live is tolerable. It's not though. I would not want anyone have to live the life I am living right now. If I could just escape  or runaway with Tucker for the weekend I would then I would give in. Iw Ould give into my mom's decision and just do what she wants. But I would only do that choice iff I get to have one more weekend with Tucker and just not have a care run the world. None at all, which is the point of it all.

     Isn't it?

     Is the high worth all the pain? When the shoe finally drops will I erupt? will I turn into a volcano that plummets it's lava spew all over the town and kill everyone? Will it be worth it then, at the end of my visualization of the yellow brick road???

     The yellow brick road leads to where I am now. A trapped house with no future that I have no control of. There is no Emerald City at the end of this journey. There is no wish to go home when I meet the wizard. No hot air balloon that will take me back to a reality that was existing before all this mess. 

     I know why they are called Trap Houses now. Because that is where the ring leader brings in the people to trap them. The ring leader of this house is someone that I thought I could trust and befriend. We watched my favorite category of movie, Horror…pause. I am so distracted by the ring leader that I have no time to focus. He is so "funny" that it's not a joke

     The funny thing is when druggies play the "where is it game". They say they lost their bag of stuff and go on a rampage to look for it. even though they know where it was the entire time. Like, what a hell of a game. It's also like when someone else made me clean his kitchen, to make me look like I was high as hell when in reality I was not even remotely close.

     The place I have been staying at is a very old abode. There are doors that lead to the inside of the walls of this house. There is even a cellar., which is odd for a house in this state. I hear strange noises from time to time. There are some that make no fucking sense. Like when I am the only one inside and I hear a loud bang from the upstairs. I really do not want to write about this trap house anymore.

     I am fucking tired. I am so far gone that I have no ambition to come back. Things set me off to a dark place in my mind where I just dislike. How does one cope with all this disfunction and unsettling nerves? The answer came from Tucker actually, and his response was drugs. So, I relentlessly chase that. I don't get the rush of serotonin anymore. That went away when the paranoia set in.

     People say that I need to swap the drugs out for something else. It sounds so easy, but it's far from that. I know that when I get published that will be the best high I will ever get. It will beat the high from any drug or and sensation. I just wish I could reverse time, back before all this. 

    oh well...

10/30/23

✌🏽


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