POST XXIX


SAFE PLACE


     Here I go. So the tactics of the Port Orange Police Department or anything else of that magnitude is corrupt. I know that I am not the best looking person in the world.  I know that sometimes white lies come from my mouth. I know that This iw all my outlook of life and not yours. But I swear on my grandfathers deathbed, I have been harassed by the Port Orange Police Department for months.

     I have major trust issues when it comes to new people. I have trust issues beyond anything else. I do not trust the new person in the room. I do not trust places I have yet to go to. I am who I am and I am damaged.

     I am terrified to meet anyone new. Not knowing what they want with their intentions. Am I actually someone that people wanna be around or am I someone that is kept close by as a token or winning trophy. Even the nicest guy I have met has turned out to play the wicked card game. Every single person is deceitful. They only keep me around to gain whatever benefit it is that comes with being the disappointment of me. 

     I scared of the night. The darkness holds a myriad of unknown dangers. To top it off I can barley see in the dark without my glasses. I am afraid of people. I am afraid that everyone will out up a false curtain to my eyes. Why would people that I call friends do anything like this? but is that my mind, telling me to not believe anyone.

     My people skills have gone so far south. Since the Disney days I have not been the same. People take me for granted, and they think that I am a dumb person. I am stupid, but not stupid like dunce cap. I make the same stupid mistake over and over again: like talking  to Tucker, No matter what I do or say to him  it will not change that we are not together. I need to face the fact, that he was a big lesson that I won't learn..

     How can it be legal to be walked into a scene that you have no control over. Just like may last post and how I explained controlled situations. How is it lawful  for anyone to do? Entrap? That's like setting the mouse up for failure and not letting him have the cheese after a good task well done. It's preposterous. 

     I know that what I am going through is unmoral. Making someone believe a certain thing for almost an entire year. Turning someone credibility around and making people not believe their word.  They have no face value because they have been lead strayed  The ones that  I got close to changed the narrative of my life. Some said that i had trust issues before I actually had them. There were others said that I was mean my entire life, which makes it not good in day to day life now,. 

     I miss the me that was kind hearted. Working in Orlando for seven years gave me a  chance to mold myself in to a version that I wanted to be. I turned from vile, destructive Aiden to a helpful, nice centric one. I had to be that kind of person when I worked at the magical place on earth. If I could do a massive transformation then that means you can do this.

     I am so over this set up. I am so over people making me look like someone bad.  My friend Oakley smoked earlier, as I did not want to. And now he is with some guy who he fooling around after he says he can't do that. Well he says that I am the one smoking in the bathroom, yet I turned on the fan. It smelled like an old air heater when you turn it on for the first time in the winter. Oakley says this is a safe place, yet it is far from that with the vibes he has been sending out lately. 

     I don' want interactions that much. People give me anxiety. Places give me anxiety. Situations give me anxiety. I dislike this situation I am in right now. I am at the lowest part of the drain. I want my life to be better. I feel like I am always on this grind of a state of anxious and unhappy.. There has to be more to life than this.

     Off topic, and I think I hav mentioned it before. The games or tactics that the meth heads play to keep a distraction. Glass maker, Instant Sleep, I'm deaf, and the best is Activate Paranoia. Glass mirror is when a person tries to objectify someone' line of sight. Instant Sleep is when someone is awake one second and then plays asleep so it looks like they have no idea what was going on around then. The deaf factor is when you say you don't hear something that someone else hears, acting as if you didn't hear it. The last one is crucial, it's active paranoid: which a person does all the triggers for you to be paranoid, 

     I know thst I am not a upbeat, happy person, I am running from my demons and I need to face them. I need to make a safe place for my soul, I need to make amends, and I need to do better. 

     I don't wanna feel as though I'm a burden. Thst I need to be carried. I wanna be happy, I wanna cry and someone actually cares. I don't want someone to be fake to my face and slither to the weeds. I want pure, honest, love. Will I get we get it?

goodbye aiden, because it'll be a long time before I feel like myself again.

10.29.23

✌🏽


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