POST XXVIII


CIRCLE THE DRAIN


     Well here I am. The circle the drain part of my life has come to be. The water is all flushed out and there is nothing stopping it. Why am I even here in the first place? The directions I have got myself in. All the thoughts I came up with and the last one was not the right move.

I’m left with barely anything. Things are dwindling day by day. The friends I have made are not the long run kind of friends. They are part of the people that I need to get away from. Yet, they are the ones that will teach you the valuable lessons in life..

    Conform.

    I have been misled from who I was, or who I wanted to be. All my instincts have been miscued. Things are often covered up by a force higher. I do promise that all my reality is your reality. Things do happen on their own and there are somethings that are done behind closed doors and zipped mouths.

    How far does the water have to go before it is out of the drain? It is as if I’m pulled by my surroundings and I’m not in control of it. To explain, I can be offered a way and if I go with it, it splits into two more hardships  Either be seen acknowledging the issue, you can do this thing but here are all the things that will set off your paranoia, so you go with the left of the fork in the road.

    You want to go down the path of everything you want.. One person is telling you that nothing is wrong and then the other sided person is telling you it is all practical. The good choice but it's being covered up by leaves, to help you not aware of the danger of the deep hole. It's the right thing to do to be taught to never do it again. But then, you are who you are and you will continue to do its until the third time taking that road. 

    Someone you met for the first time, yet they know everything about you. He knows what your triggers are, what will make you do things. He makes you do all the things that make you question reality. That you go further down the sewer than before. your word, your actions, and you credibility is no longer take value. 

    I try so hard to listen to what I hear. Yet the person holding up the good road sign is halting me from doing so. I need quiet to hear, and people think they always have to make louder noises. For what purpose? Does the music have to be blaring, do all the fans have to be on, do you have to be moving things around all day pretending to make noise to make me think my worse fear is actually happening?

     Is danger really out there or is  it being controlled to look like it. There are people that would leak all you personal information. I don't want to be told that nothing can be heard other than the music, when in reality there is more. I am never in control of the path I get because no matter what, it is rigged. There are people making sure bad things are happening to you, because they know what choices you will make. 

    How do theses people get away with it?  It make no sense to me. How can one that is meant to help you also make things the worst? Controlled and created trauma is not a good tactic to make someone learn something. Leading another human down a falsetto path with dangers and deceit. How is it possible for a friend to make an image and say it's how you see it to your face, but to others he tells them the opposite. They get close to you so their words matches the audio, vizual, and representation of their created chaos. 

     By now, you would understand that I am to far deep into this. I spent two days in Orlando. There was a group of cars that would maintain watch over me. They made their presence known to me by lingering around stop signs, chilling on the side of the road, making U turns over and over again. I call thee the "Aiden Mess-Meth Patrol", because they create the chaos inside my brain. 

     These task forces are made up of two, maybe three. The first is the community one. They cover the car patrol, the pedestrian  crowd, and the friends/family. Then there is the drug one. This group maintains focus inside the worlds of drugs and sex. They have to make sure that the undesirable ones make the choices that need to be made. To steer someone like me in risqué positions. The third group is the enforcement. Which is case in point: the police, the health care workers, and the officials that make the scenes actionable. 

     The drain is clogged right now. I have ambitions and I have goals to accomplish. Yet, I just don't want to get the plunger to unclogged the bubble weave of problems.  My mental health is on the brink of collapsing, yet my brain is extremely powerful. I am aware of the disposition of my actions and choice. I am not proud of a lot of the thing that spun from my dishes. Yet, why do I still do the things that cause harm to others?

     Can I be changed from what I am? Or who I am? The things I have created can not be unchanged, but can they be forgiven. Will the people that have had an impact on these choices be able to let me be forgiven? No amount of me saying sorry can be appeased. How will I manage to be brave enough to look them in the face and confess my deepest flaws? Will they even?

     My life has became unmanageable.  There are two parts of me. One part is the side of me that says flee and never look back. The second part of me is telling me to muster up the courage to do the right thing. Face your problems and get things done. I will do the next right thing only if I know the effects and worthy outcome.

     I am currently Anna from Frozen Two. lost in the woods, not knowing what to do. Yet I can express myself and go closer to the unknown like Elsa. To do the next right thing is to go to.a sober living, kick this drug habit, and become a new me. A better me, a snow queen or even a leading queen of a kingdom. My goal in this life is to a published  author, but can I move past my Stephen King phase to come an icon.; an inspiration.

     I asked someone the other day why have I been gifted with a myriad of out's and chances? What do I haver to give to this life than the next best man?The only thing I have is my strong mind of imagination and my writing. Is that its? Is my writing so special to keep me on the right and narrow? Is that the key that is needed to open the doors to a world of notoriousness. 

     Either I go down the drain farther or I refill the bathtub. If I add new water I will float above all this mess. I do not want to be at the part where I do not recognize myself anymore. I know who I want to be, and I see that person in the mirror everyday. I want my family around me, I want friends to have for a lifetime, and I want a legacy I can leave behind when I die of old age.

     What is my next step? What do I do? I know what I want and don't want. I don't want to be locked away until a decision is made of my future. I want access to my vices, even though some are. brutal and harmful. The idea of becoming a new version of me, not a variant but a completely new person. No more Aiden or other names that I go by, but something new. Get published under my new alias. Be anew person all together.

     Here are a few things that get to me when I hang out with people. They play the game of hide the view from me. There will be times I am looking at something of grave importance to me yet it's your mission to come between me and the view. Or the name game. That is when you literally forget the name of a person, a place, or a thing and make me say it so I can confirm the information. Another is let's make louder noises to block the important ones from being heard. these tactics are the ones that do when I am trying to focus..

     Like who changes their door locks at 11:46 at night? 

     If stay here to be this hollow shell of myself then I have to be me. I have to deal with the repercussions of my actions and choices. I have to get sober and stay sober. I would get the person of my dreams and  the love of my life. I will get the goal accomplished and be published. I'll have my family, around, actually around. If I don't do this then I will lose all of that, right?

      I wish I can have the reality of both lives. One with my vices and one with my pleasures. Each are not the same: one brings out happiness and the other brings out chaos. I want a life of it all. I want it all and I want it my way. I want to do things the way I want, but I will do it through being polite and nice. I will never let my good heart be diminished. 

     That's real;ly all I have left. All my material things are not with me anymore. This "Holiday In Vienna" will soon come to. an end. I will not be watching the water ways of the city nor will I be walking the historic paths. I have to give up this life for a new one. I will need to go offline until I can bleak myself in without anyone noticing. New hair. New life. New Me. Who will I become? What will I do in this new life? Where will I go?

"Experience has made me rich, and now they are after me.

-Madonna

10.25.23

✌🏽


Add comment

Comments

There are no comments yet.