POST XXVII


Hey, It's Hannah Baker.


Hey, It’s Hannah. Hannah Baker. 

     I am just joking. It’s me, Aiden. I was going to write about my new job. I got a job at the movie theater. I think it’s crazy that I finally fulfilled my teenage dream job. It’s bizarre also that I got employed right as Taylor Swift Era’s Tour movie released. Two things in one, my lucky day.

     I will write a quick blurb about my time here at Regal Theaters. It’s great. The job is easy, and it’s not too busy nor to slow. I handle food: Popcorn, pretzels, hot dogs. The favorite part of the job is Ushering. That’s when I get to clean the theater and make sure that nothing odd is happening.

     The people there are pretty chill. They are very helpful at the job. I am not a person that knows how to cook, not at all. So, I will forget due to my anxiety.  It is not something that I will grasp onto easily at all. In one ear and out the other. No matter who is trying to teach me to cook, I can never grasp it. I know, I am such a lucky person to have in your life: take me home to mom.

     My sense of humor is the only thing that gets me by day by day. That is the only way I can handle all this mess that I created. My life was once so nice. So many reasons to wake up in the morning. Now I have 13 reasons why I don’t even care to wake up to the day.

     I am super glad I got a job. Tucker told me that I would not be depressed if I had one. But guess what, I still am. I am not depressed enough to end my life, and I will never be to that extent. I just want what I had back. I want my freedom; I want my independence. I do not want to be floating day by day. I don’t want to be held down by a preverbal clown waiting to be drowned in a sewer. I hope you enjoyed that line.

     My life is all about coincidences now. Like how is it that I work at a movie theater with a girl with the name Hannah Baker. How is this real life now? Am I in a fucked-up TV show where I am the main character. Center stage, all eyes on me.

     I want to believe that that is not the reality of what I am going through. Nobody wants to be the center of attention. Yes, I do like attention: but from someone I love. Someone that is meant to be there for me and support me. Not from people who watch me to make mistakes and take my life deeper and deeper into a monstrosity.

     I am on season thirty-one of my life. This year has been one of the turning points and I think that I need to figure out what cliffhanger to leave this chapter on. Last year I was all alone for my birthday, thinking that my apartment was going to burn down, and that a meth mafia was after me. This year it will be different; I will not be alone, and I will make sure that I am not doing drugs.

     I never want to experience a birthday where I am all alone and stressing mentally. That was something that I do not wish on anyone. I want to be back to where I was when I was turning thirty. To be honest, I want to be back before I met Benny. When I was twenty-four, before I did meth for the first time.

     You know, back then there was a time when my sister and I lived together. She was dating a guy named Nashville and we always thought that the police that patrolled our house was there for him. But in all the stuff that happened lately to me, what if they were scouting me out…

     These are the things that I think about. Even sober. I always feel like I’m being watched or targeted. I think the worst thing that I could have done in my life was honest about my using. I feel like, after that moment things have went to the horrible side. My time since that honest moment has made me feel like every step I took has been monitored. Many people say that it has been paranoia, but there are times that I have not used, and I have felt stalked.

     All these strange occurrences have been bizarre. There are times where I am going to hang out with people and Tucker texts me. He won’t be texting me for days then out of the blue in the middle of the night he asks me what I am doing. All he does is play mental games with me. He doesn’t care for me at all, and it is time for me to move on from him. He is not good for me, nor is he good for anyone.

     Yes, I gave him my all. My life was his for the taken, but I need to close this chapter of my life. I need to move on. I need to be free from the temptation that I give to him There is a better world out there without the Tucker’s of the world. One where drugs do not over stimulate my life.

     I have a job at a movie theater. I am sort of seeing a guy who I actually like and care about. There is a future out there for me that I did not see for a long time. I have my book to work on and I have so many people rooting for me.

     So, why do am I still jeopardizing it by wanting to do drugs. For wanting to be with a person that made me into who I am now. Why do I want to live a life of always watching my back and not knowing who is following me? Why would I want this? Why do I constantly make myself go down the same pathways that many have walked before me and told me the destination.

     The only exit scenarios are Jails, Institutions, or death. I do not want to go back to jail. I do not want to go to an asylum or a rehab again. I do not want to die. There is a world out there for me. I have a future and it is so bright. I want to publish my book. I want to be someone that nobody can see coming. I want to be a force to be reckoned with.

  I want all my dreams to come true.

They will come true.

10.17.23

✌🏽


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