POST XXV


Lights, Camera. Action


     I have nothing to say. Nothing really, I think, that I have come to that peak place. Everyone talks about destiny. About how life is whatever you make it to be. Every choice that is made is made, there is no way you can go back and undo it. I am fine with the choices I have made, at least they were honest. Everyone tells white lies,  EVERYONE.

     All my life I thought I was special, something different. When I  was a kid, I was in and out of the hospital. When I was a teenager, I never was taken back. When I was an adult, I only went when I was in horrible shape. Everyone dislikes the doctor. That feeling you get when you walk into a place where you will find out bad news. It's the opposite of police offer fear, but for me it's the authority behind it. I have no idea why, but it is. 

     I know I want to write. I know I want to be someone someday. I know this. I know I can do that, but I think that I will never get there. People tell me all the time that I will be a published author, or I will get things done. I don’t think Io will. I think that eventually a force will come, and it will stop me from being who I want to be. I have no control over what happens to me. Yes, I make choices and everything, but I do not have free will. Which is funny, because I live in America, home of free will. 

     There has to be something. I have to be onto something in this life. Because there is so much going on in my lie that just doesn’t make sense. There are things people have told me via talk that I can't back up, but they told me. Like Ellen, she told me she had two cars, and I could us one a year ago and when I told her about it again, she said she didn’t have a second one. I bet she isn't even a tornado expert at all.

     Everything in my life has been fabricated and catered to me. I went YEAR with smoke pot without getting any sort of trouble. I smoked with my ex of six years every day and we never got into trouble. We smoked while driving, we smoked everywhere. He tried to convince me that undercover cops did not exist. That they were not real. He was so privileged that he had no idea, but he did. He never loved me or cared about me in any fashion. He just played the part he was meant to play. 

     Control. The only thing I have control over is the things I Say, the things I DO, and that's about it. I met this boy the other cay. He was super nice. But all in all, he is a liar.  Why is it's alright for other people to lie, to heat, to do drugs'; but when I do it isn’t a travesty.  Something happened in my life, something that I had/have no idea about. I am starting to get some light on it or understand some things but what was  it? Why has this gone on so long? WHY IS JP THE root cause of it all. 

     Last night was annoying for me. I packed all my stuff away and when I woke up it wasn't packed the way that I packed it. I have this watch that my friend left at my house. I have kept It in my locked safe since then, well guess what, it was in my backpack when I woke up, not in the safe... I thought I was going to get arrest. I know the story is dry as ice. I am not a boy who cried wolf, these things DO HAPP{EN. Ever since I met, he who must not be named  my entire Life has been a whirlwind. Before there were things going on but not to the extreme. 

     Like this one time I was watching the finale to CHUCKY SEASON 2 and my friend called me. He said he was outside. 1.) I didn’t invite him over. 2.) he wasn't 3.) and he was hanging out with Cameron at the time, Cameron….he said he moved back to Puerto Rico. I bet that was a lie.

     Everything in my life….everything that has happened to me. He who must not be named told me once that some people deserved to get raped. He said that if people keep getting put into situations, then they deserve it. Nobody deserves that. I have been raped twice in my life. Once when I was ten by my best friend’s father. It's weird cause he had the same last name as me and he lived next to Blanton elementary in Saint Petersburg. The guy touched me while I slept and made me take showers with him. I WAS TEN. 

     The second guy that did it was my best friend in Parkwood. He told me that if I ever told anyone he would tell the girl I liked all these negative things about me. This guy was a fundamental reason why I am who  am today... He tried to fuck me once, but it hit when I was twelve and I did not hit puberty yet. I remember the first time I noticed a change in my body, and it was after Allen lied to me about everything. His skit was that there was this girl at school that liked me, and she wanted to know how well in sex I was. So, Allen had me do all these sexual things to him.

     I grew up sheltered and wasn't really introduced to the entire concept of sex until high school. So, when that happened to me with Allen, I was innocent and gullible. I had no idea what was happening. And of course, I kept it all to myself cause I was scared of what would happen. I remember that Allen’s dad got my friends dad arrest when I was a little much older, they shared an internet connection, and he found all his child porno. 

     I think people have this assumption of me. Of things I like let me make this clear. I will never touch a child. I will never have any sexual interaction with anyone under the age of 18. GOT IT. Animals are also out of the picture. GOT IT. I have meet people that have been into it. I like men, I like Latino men, I like tattoos and muscles. I do not like OLD MEN, especially if they are showing that they are old.

     Something just Dinged in my head. he who must not be named hated when I talked in a low voice. Why? Because you can’t register my low voice on a recording. People say that I say things that I didn't say... I will correct them and then they will still go on with the false thing. I am a person who is always misunderstood. I explain things to people over and over and over again, yet they still do not understand me, 

     It is against the law for police to entrap people into crimes. Did you know that? Something I love about my computer is that I have no access to things. Like, what? It's my computer and I don’t have access to files that are on my own computer...

     It's hilarious. Don't you think. Fucking with people…leading them into a life that was not their own FREE WILL. People lied to me, about who they are and their names, where they live and whose house, they are in. What am I supposed to do with my life if things have been miscued or false, or not told to me truthfully.

     It's hilarious…I am going to put my head down. I have so much to think about and so much because my head constantly hurts all the FUCKING TIME…I just want life to make sense again…And if I am in trouble with the law, then tell me that and I will be honest. I always am. I just can't believe that my entire relationships have been fake….since I was a teenager. My Entire life is a show for ya'll, I hope you enjoyed it. <3

     I just woke up around twenty minutes ago, My mom is :out getting cigarettes. I heard my sisters voice earlier and I know rob went to work. It's funny cause my mom left me in the house alone, which she never does. Odd. This is a trap I know it. I know that. All this is a trap. Watch she will come back in wondering why…never mind rob came back in. He said he forgot to roll a joint. Things are being weird, and things are off…. I have no idea what is going on right now, Rob looked shocked to see me here, 

     I am so over this, I am over how everyone has trapped me into a position where I looked like a fucking drug addict. Where I have nothing left. This is just a system hack. They make felons and criminals, and that’s the way the cookie crumbles. Rob just told me he left his hand sanitizer here, and he wanted to roll a joint. Then turned off the kitchen light and turned on another which I said you don’t have too, 

     How can your own parent do something like this? How can your own family betray you?  When was the moment they stopped loving you? When was the moment it all turned around and became a game to them? None of this is right. MY family does not care about me, nor do they want me around, I am a burden to them all. To be honest I am a burden to everyone.

     If I get sent away today to anywhere just know that this is not anything I want. My mom has never listened to me. IVE BEEN MENTALLY FUCKED WITH FOR MONTHS. I am as sane as anyone, and I am never going to forget this. If I get taken away today everyone in my life, friends, and family, are dead to me. People say that I can't do that. That I can’t wipe people from my life. But I can just like they are doing to me.

     It always starts the same. Helicopter. Than the sirens. Than the shadows and the noises. I typically interact with them, but I am not doing that this time. This better be an intervention to something along the lines. If that was the case, then my family could redeem themselves in my eyes. I recall that everyone always told me to jump in the shower, put on loud music, and everything will be fine. Why the loud music and why do they always offer Taylor Swift...

 

 - - - - -

 

     The rest of the day was super challenging for me to endure. My mom insinuated that I go with her to a yard sale. Which was suspiciously at her landlord’s house, Dorine. My mother said I have met her once before and if I have it was back in 2014. That was a time to be alive. You know that during that time was the first time that I used Meth. It was a five-day event, well not the using part, but the downfall. I remember that to my core and I will never forget the come down. My friend or ex friend kept telling me that the experience that I have been going through is my comedown. How can you come down from something that you get basically feed to you?

     I have no idea if I mentioned this yet. But the other day I swear to Jesus H Christ that there was a piece of stuff in the bowl that my stepdad packed for me. I could not take a picture of it because my phone was dead. It was dead most of that day, and I was already going through it. I was super sad and confused that day because I got a google doc from, He who must not be named. It was a ceased order. Because those two things I went on a walk. 

     That walk was intense. I kept seeing black Honda cars everywhere in the neighborhood. Then every person that was outside looked like he who must not be named. It was beyond Twilight Zone. Yes, I have a strong imagination but no it was not in play. There was even a time that I saw two people wearing shirts that once belonged to him. He was everywhere. To make me go crazy, eventually I took off my glasses and drank water until I got back to my stepdad’s place. 

     I was in a state of such distress. I feel that constantly lately. That my mom, my sister, or even something will trigger me into my paranoia. There is a limit that one person can take. One person can only handle so much before they break. I cry so much because of the stress of it all that I wait till the next time I can be alone to just breathe. Having to always feel like there is something missing, that someone is not telling the truth, or that you have been placed into a situation that was not your own free will. If you do not know the correct information, that you have been strayed off the truth, and then you have to do something that isn’t morally correct, then is that even free will or even your choice. 

     Example. If I was never offered the chance to go to the hotel room to smoke meth in the first place, I would not have done it. If that person is being deceitful and only inviting, you over to make sure that you get addicted to that stuff then is it free will? Is it correct that you were given a choice that was purposely for you to be set u, that's not fee will. You were expecting to get high not get addicted to the substance, and even then, you were not even wanting to get high. It is the principle. 

     The system is rigged, and they chose and pick the people they want to make into criminals, drug addicts, and even other situations. The world needs to keep on turning and the only way that the police have any job is because they need people to do more crimes. Setting people up is the crime, and by making people walk into traps is not a good look on law enforcement.

     I hate that my brain is so fucking strong. That I can be over stimulated but at the same time all my defense are up. I know something is happening to me yet the only way I can prove it is by recording, and even with that nothing happens. I packed all my stuff up the other night and then it was rearranged and packed differently when I woke up. A watch that was in my safe was in my backpack, which I have never moved from my safe. These things are odd to me, and I know that it was the way I left them. I was and am still being harassed top this day, even when I smoke weed. So, I guess that means I will have to stop that also. 

     I need to figure out if I want to stay here. I am debating on leaving Florida all together. 

     I will do another post later because this counts for the other day. 

    7.15-16.23

✌🏽


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