POST XXII


Black Hole


     This is somewhat new…I AM blogging tomorrows post right now, the day before. 

     I just wanna get out my feelings right now. I know that Tucker does all this mind games and heart pulling because he likes it. He likes knowing that he is making me suffere. There is no other person he is seeing, he just said that to hurt me. He does that. That's just who he is. He is toying me along for his own enjoyment. He knows I will give in all the time to him, that I can not say no. I wonder how many other of me there are out there.

     This is for you Tucker.

     Fuck you. 

🖕🏽

 

     I do not feel any better. But hey, atleast I said that. You should be happy that you get to walk freely right now knowing all the shit you have put me through and that I have yet to actually file any real chargers on you. You fucked my life up to the point where I am here with nothing and I am still having feelings for you. But for real, when is enough enough? How long will I cointune to let you have power over me? You get off this because that's just who you are. A fucking psychopath that twists the truth and takes what ever he wants. You're a joke…and not even a good one.

     Now its the tenth… Victoria just made some time for me this morning. She and I have been friends since freshman year of high school. I appriciate how much of me she can handle. I am a force to be taken back from, someone who people say is a mess. That is funny, because one of my friends that I grew up with their mom said that also. She never wanted her son to hang out with me because of the bad influence I was. And back then, I was calm…just a little mean.

     I enjoy seeing Victoria. She always makes my soul calmer. She is the one person that I can tell anything too and that doesn't ever judge me based on the things I tell her. She and I go way back. We dated once before and that almost broke our friendship. We are going on sixteen years of being friends. That's crazy, since 2006. Time sure flies when there is nothing going on in my life. It's crazy to think about it.

     She thinks I am better here than I was in Orlando. Her opinions of Tucker are strong, just like my other two best friends. It seems that that is the right thing to think when you think of Tucker. I need to realize that. He is not good for me. He is never going to be the person I knew when I first met him. He was so vunerable then, so open, so nice. What happened to that frail and willing person I met on February 26th. I do miss that version of Tucker, but I will never have it again.

     I need to move on. I need to let Tucker go. It is easier said than done but his energy and his force is like a black hole. I get sucked in whenever he wants to talk to me. I am always going to crawl back to him because I do have massive feelings for him. I am attached and that is how he wants it. To best explain how I feel: I am a mouse stuck in a coil of a snake. The more I squiarm for attention and love the more it binds me. I am choking on nothing at this point. There is nothing being given to me just things being taken. 

     I am finding out day and day that more people I know have HIV. It's intense to think about and I wonder how they got it. I am still not sure of how I got it. I always resort back to Merritt Island, which was in before I met Tyler. I know I got very sick back in December of 2022 and was out for five days, It was not good but could that have been related to my diagnosis. If it isn't then we all know where I got it from, and I dare to say it outloud. 

     Tucker.

     I have yet to post about the night when Tucker and I first fooled around. I had no intentions of doing so with him nor did I think he was attractive. But it happened. I remember we were on my bed after him trying to point me for hours. It took him a long time to figure it out, and I was so open to him trying. He poked me over a dozen times and with him sitting behind me it worked. Just like the movie Ghost, he did it. 

     I recall him tell him that day that he wanted a hug. Oh I do miss those hugs I got from him. They were special and comfortable. He always made sure that i was alright and he cared. He cared… That is something that I really miss, Tucker caring for me. I know that he does in a weird, twisted, sick way. He only cares about what he can get from me, and i know that it's money and pain. He will never be the same person I met that night.

     After he finished he told me, well asked me if I read his grindr profile. I responded with telling him that I did read some of it and that's when he disclosed that he had HIV. At the time he told me that he was off his meds and that his body was basically undetectable, which the doctors said as different. At that time i did not really care if I got HIV, because I parTied way to much to care. Suprise. In a month or two I was positive and this blog was born. 

      The things that hold me back from not letting this take over my life is that I am stronger. I know my own body and my immune system is perfectly well. I take my medicine everyday and I make sure I am good. I have my meeting with CAN Community health on Thursday….well I was told Thursday, I just checked and it says wednesday the 12th. I need to call them…My interview is for Wednesday. 

      I am about to join a zoom meeting for NA…Wish me luck… 

      It was nice. It was nice to hear some others exprss themselves and tell their stories. I will open up more. I am shy right now and I am worried I will say the wrong things. I noticed that I am seven days clean, which is good for me. I hadn't really thought about that, and I kinda lost myself in my day. I haven't be lost in a day in a while, it feels nice.

     There are things that I wish I could talk about on here but I can't There is one thing that I need to talk impliment in my life, a positive outlook. That is something that Tucker always told me to do. He said people do not want to be around me because I look like a sad boy all the time. He thinks that I get off by being depressed. I dislike being sad, in reality. I dislike it so much, and if i could change that then I would. Who wakes up in the morning longing for substances, longing for company, longing for normalcy, I do.

     I took a nap around four O' clock. Being socialble is not something that I am accustomed too. From Victoria, Zoom, and a unplanned meeting of one of my exes: I was very sociable. I have an idea what I want to do with my life. I know that I need to make amends with the people I scorned and I do plan that one day; but I need to do that. Along with that I plan on paying everyone back. I plan to pay back my roomates for covering the rent for the months I did not pay for. I plan to pay back the people the helped me out all this time. I plan on paying back Tucker for his broken windshield, and I plan on paying back anything else that I did when I was under the influence of my drug of choice. 

    I need to do this. I need to repay them back and earn my good name back. I am not my drug. I am not my dues. I am Aiden and I am a nice, caring, realiable person who is very appriciative of the ones that have helped me and to the ones I screwed over. Before I can do anything I want with my life, I need to fix the issues I caused in others. I promise, that I will do better. I am doing better...

✌🏽

7.10.23


Add comment

Comments

There are no comments yet.