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Second Choice...

     I really am trying my best to stay positive and focused. I have a great heart and will always do best by other. I care to much for people that do not care for me in the same way. I always give everything I have to others that will not do the same for me. I have little and I still give it out. What more am I meant to endure before I collapse?

     I want to be gone. I don't have it in me anymore to stay uplifting or tired the waters of this life I live. I wake up everyday with the idea that something good is just around the corner. That all my prayers and all my crying will be worth it. There is no bright sun shinning through to make tomorrow better. I am always let down, always forgotten, always dissapointed. I never catch a break nor do I ever see something good happening to me. All that is waiting for me is nothing. 

     I was born the second child in my family. I am the child that doesnt have any children, no job, no living life. Is it a curse to be the second child? My uncle Ray is the third in his line but he is the worst off, but he is the second boy. Just like me. We both are gay and we both have the diagnosis of HIV. He is worse off than I and he is never going to change. I can. Right? 

     There are time in my life where I do not see anything going well. I never felt this down and out before. I never lost everything anf was told I was something. My heart hurt every day when I am stuck here. I have no friends right now that will come keep me company or help me find happiness when I feel sad and alone. I lost all my friends in Orlando and I do not have much here in Port Orange. My best friend is to busy with her own life to have any time. Which I do not hold that against her, she has a lot on her plate. I just wish there was someone that would care enough to care about how I am doing.

     Tucker was meant to come here today. I gave him the gas and i gave him the attention needed. But alas, he once again decieded not to show up. And to add the sting to the wound of depression, he told me that he is seeing another person. Someone that treats him way better than I did. What is that supposed to me. He texted me last night saying he as thirty, hungry, and lonely. So, if he did have someone else then why wasnt he talking to that guy. Why did i give my last amount of money to him so he can eat, drink, and come see me. Does someone that treats someone horrible do that?

     He once told me that I was his number one choice. And he knows that I am always afraid of being forgotten, left, or chosen second. He knows this and he does it to me on purpose. Shana is correct. He knows that his actions has power over me, and he gets off on this. He fuels himself off the fact that he makes me sad. I bet that if he was willing to tell me who the person that he is seeing is that it's Kyle. That would hurt me to the core and I would proably give it all up...

     Why? Why do I put myself thorugh this? It makes me so depressed and I get the need to want to use. I want to just cry until I pass out. The last time I did something like this was when I was borken up with in 2015. Benny broke up with me after eight months of dating. Told me that I had a personaity disorder and stopped talking to me. It was bad. I cried for a week straight but I was not in love with him like I am with Tucker. Tucker is my last love. I am not going to be looking or wanting to do this again. How can I?

     Everytime I put myself out there I get hurt. I get left and redused to nothing. I can't even picture my life anymore with a person, or a child, or even a animal. I am not worth that much. I am just damaged good, something no one wants. Not even the people that have no one wants me. They all look at me with the eyes of a sex appealed monster. Nonody is going to see me for the caring, fragile, and loyal person I am. Nobody wants a second best, HIV Postivive, ex drug addict. I wouldn't even want that, especially if he was still hung up on his ex.

     How can you still have this hold on me. I have yet to see you in two months. This feeling, this longing need to see you is tearing me apart. I can not keep going on like this. I have no idea how to break the speall that you have casted over me. I rethink about all the thing that you did bad by me and those things never make me want to stop talking to you. You tell me that you get sick from thinking of spending time with me. That's on you, not me at all. I have no idea why you think that spending a little time with me will ruin whatever image of me you have in your head. Think of the positive.

     I am always going to live in the shadow of being the second. I am never going to be the first in anything. I never won a thing in my life beside a stuff animal contest in elementary school back in Saint Petersburg. I think of how different my life would have been if I never moved to Daytona, or ever moved ot Florida to begin with. My life would be extremely different and I think about that daily. What I would of turned out to be if I just stayed IN New York. I should of moved there when I had the chance, started over when I could, I wish I did. Buffalo would have been something quite different for me. 

     The interview I had today was nice. I did not care for it to start with and I don't even want a job. I don't want to do anything anymore. I have lost most all interest in being alive at this point. I do ever want to hurt myself nor do I wish that i would die. I just want it to be easier. I want things to progress. I will take the oppurtunites that are given to me and I am going to be strong. For who? Not myself. I wish i could just run away, find some random person that could suffice my needs, and just let me wither away in the memory of all the people that know me. I wih I could be that thought in the back of everyones mind.

     "Aiden Tyler…Do you remember that kid. He was nice wasn't he, but he had a mouth. His attitude got the best of him, yet he always spoke the honest truth even if it was mean. He told you how it was. He loved to write yet never got anything published. He was talented and he was smart. What ever happened to him…"

     I want to fade away. i don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to waste the remaining years I have pinning over a boy who  could care less of me and that likes to feed off my pain. I will always think of him as the love of my life. The man who can make me do anything with just the sound of his voice, but I have to let him go. I have to remember who I am. I am Aiden. The strong, confident, smart, creative, second born, second best, second choice… 

     I have no stength in me today to get things done. I just want to be background noise in the crazy thing we call life. My reality is gone, and I have to face the facts that I am not going to get my happy ending. I am never going to be 100% happy. 

Never...

✌🏽

7/9/23

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