POST XVI

Are you ready for it...

      The statement that keeps getting recieted to me is starting to get dull. "If there is anything you need then reaach out." Really? When I reach out to those people and I ask them for the one thing that I need I never get a reply. I have the people in my life that I vent to and that I can talk to, but the ones that come out of the woodworks to show support are the same ones that never reached out before. Talking is like prayers, it doesn't do much in progression.

     Like, I appreciate all the people that have been keeping check and asking me if I am alright. At the start of that I noticed that many were basially reieting the same rubric. They format was the same, but the words were in their own. "[greetings]…I have been seeing your post on Facebook…[alarmed or concerned]…I know i am not close but if you ever need to talk about it…[They are there for me]." They always said the same, but then never followed up with me. How is that just? You say you are there for me but where are you now when I am at the bottom, past the granite and sulfur.

     Something was brought to my attention today about something I tend to do. When i am down and out of my good luck, I always resort to going to one of my exes. Here, I will call him Avery. Back In 2015 when I moved from Port Orange to Orlando because a break up I resorted to Avery for help. He helped me move back to O-Town, get situated, and even helped me with whatever. He did amazing and all i did was be moody, hung up over my ex, and upset. Our relationship we had, even though we were not together, was rocky. It ended with me leaving due to us arguing about him not understanding me, my pot smoking, and me eventually hitting him. He is the only person in my life that I assaulted and I still regret that. If you are reading this, I am sorry still for the Avery. Truly.

     Avery and I are talking right now. I told him how I put him in this post. He doesn't read this and I tell him to so he can ge a better look at where I am in my life. if he does, that's good. He offered me a job wih a hotel up in Indianna, but that's a trek. Of course, the oppurtunity is amazing cause I can go there, live at his house, have a job and save money up for what I want. I would have to no smoke pot anymore, which I can do; I literally quit the other drug and yet, I still haven't had any bad withdrawls. It has been thirteen days since I last used. I am very proud of myuself. 

     He read it and already had a comment. He said tha I have false information in this. The thing he pointed out that was wrong is that I said we were no together. We were not offically dating., we were just living together and doing things like a couple. But how could I be with someone so fast after being hur like i was with my ex that left me. I was broken, had lots of issues, and needed one person to helpo me; that was you. My experiences that I go through are not wrong, they might have a different perspective than another, but that does not make it false.    

     I really need to focus. The things that I need to get done are get my health stuff situated since I moved to a new county. Find a goodf online NA meeting andf also find a sponsor. I need to find a job and get some active income coming in. I just made 38 dollars on Onlyfans, but nothing new is happening there. But, I could use this platform to try and get new people onto that, currently I'm having a %40 off sale which ends July 6th. Ha, what a ironic day due to it falls on the year anniversary of me leaving to go to Buffalo.

     There is something going on with my life. I swear by it. ive been round about'd through things over and over again. These things keep happening to me; and I know that it's not paranoia anymore because I'm not shooting up meth. When all this odd stuff started to happen to me i came to two conclusions: eithewr Tyler was working for the police, as an informant to bring new light to new people using or that Tyler was part of a terrible group of people involved in the Meth world. Eithert or, they, who ever they are based out of Miami an d tney will do nothing but make me look uncreditable, unreliable, and alone. I still have a strong ass feeling that this is all connected back to Luis…

     And I could stop thinking this and just move on with the fucking life I still have, but I can't. I am a bull and I saw the red flag. Either I am going to charge full force to get what I want or I will be killed trying. I could end up in a dumpster behing the Save-A-Lot or shot on the side of the street when riding my bike. Or I can get hit by a car, which has happened on severeal occasions over the last few months. This is a slippery slope, and guess what, I have no snow shoes to keep me grounded. 

     I know what my next post is going to be abouT… 

 Can you.

    ✌🏽

06/30/23

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