What the hell am I doing? I know I am starting fresh with my life, a new beginning. But why do I feel like I am at a loss, that this is the end of ebverything I worked so hard to build. I lost everything. I lost my apartment, my friends, my freedom, my mind, my love, and my trust. I have no desire to meet anyone new, because I have no trust that the person will betray me. My trust issues are broken beyond belief. I have odd oanic attacks over weird things, things that would never bothered me before.

     Something that is getting me way to aggravated lately is that people assum my odd behaviuor beause the drugs…for me it's not. Does everyone remember that time I worked for a CULT ran by a cartoon mouse? You know, the one that has it's own country inside Florida and has seven domaoins throughout the world, and that's not counting the own beaches. This leader has castles to dwell in and he lives through five essentials and his disciples have to go along with it or they are exiled from the magical bubble that protects them from the real reality of life.

     The five key basics: Safety, Courteousy, Inclusion, Show, and Efficencey, I think I mixed up th order but I know Safety First, Inclusion in the middle, and Effiecent last because worker smarter not harder. Which was always wrong because if you know your own work flow then do it, but remember to be safe. That always bugged me to no end. These factors are pounded into your brain over and over and over. Even if hyou were with the company for a decade you would still have to go through training and re learn the same tactics. It only changed recently from four key basics to five keys because the social channg on diversity. What a big shift in that crippling Jenga tower. 

     The workers are all program the same way, even though uppers say act normnal and don;t say things like its scriptd. Smile. Please the people that spent so much money to get here, they are your job security. Bahhhh. That is the thicked horse crap I recall, because look at me. I am six months out of not being with that small secluded group of similiar minds. They are litereally all messed up and brainwashed. There are a few that I will defend with my life, they know who they are but.the others are corrupted.

     To be honest, I did not want to blog today. I had nothing to write about. I am in the mood where I am mad at myself for letting all this shit happen to me. I am so far in the hole with my life, AND to be even more honest, I WAS FINE BEFORE I WENT TO BUFFALO. That trip changed me in a myriad of ways. Th positive things that happebned to me from there are the following: I became sober off alcohol. I got closer with Shannon and became part of that life. I made good memories and was actually happy. The negative: I slammed for the first time, I lied during that trip, and I knew that I never wanted to go back to Orlando.

    Here I am, almost a year later and guess where the fuck I am sitting…Port Orange at my moms house. This place, is not the ending point for me. I thought that when I lost Disney that it was game over. Nah, not even close. Did you know that after a game there are typically credits of all the people that took part in the makingh of that game, just like a movie. There is a poiint. Look, if a game is doing well what happenes? A sequel. That means, new charcters, new pliots, new obstacles, and new fucking setting. 

     This entire year had been something worth watching if it was a televison show. I will just list off things that happened to me since my week vacation in New York. Met a Master who wanted me for sex, got more addicted to meth, Nexus (rabbit) died, Met the second love of my life Cameron, two hurricanes, Twitter creation, fired from my seven year job, Met my true love Tucker, started slamming and using more, found out about my HIV diagnosis,  paranoia weeks and being harassed by neighbors, lost my apartment, and to top it off was Marchman Acted into a detox facility. It's a trip, and that would be an amazing television show.

     Tell me you will not watch that???

     I am gonna go on a bike ride now. It's hot as hell but I need to get out of this house for a little. I'll probably wrire more when i settle…
     It is hot at hell out. I am here sitting on a bench at the park. Tucker said that he did this a lot when he vanished from my house, but I have doubts in that. How in the hell could he sit outside in the heat like this for hours. Yeah, walking at the trail a few times will not be a really good excus anylonger for me. You know what you were doing and it was not sneaking to the bathroom to jerk off. Dude, what you were doing to me and to other people is down right decietful. 

     There is no need to go in to detail about what you did. Only you know what the reasons where and why you went to such lengths. Things happened and there is no need bring it up right now. Damn it is hot outside. I saw a guy go into the restroom when I sat down on bench to type. He was rushing in then I watched him leave with his shirt off. Damn he was sexy, no shirt, and he drove a red car. I wish I walked intp the bathroom after him when I had the chance…sorry I think that is the most explicit I have ever been here…but I also discuss drugs. 

     I walked around a little in the sun, took a trail, and then left. I have no idea how I use to be outside in the dead ass summer when working for the mouse. It's brutual and not Olivia Rodrigo Brutual. I rather be that version right now.

This is the first post where I did not finish that day….

I'm ending it here.

✌🏽 06/29/23

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