POST XIV

happy birthday tucker

     June 28th. I had no idea that I would even be here today to type this. It's 12;02 on June 28th, what a time. There is so much I want to say to you. There is so much. Currently you are on you high horse of telling me goodbye. I have theories on why you want to opt out of knowing me and I will state those sooner or later. I have no idea if it will be on a post here or maybe a entire book deal. That would be something, wouldn't it? A book all about you and me, the story of us, and the downfall of a love story. 

     That would be something else if I could articulate the words correctly. I know that I will start the story the night I opened my front door to the vunerable boy that made me check his back for bag check. The most open person I came in contact in a while. Our love story started that night, and to be frank it should have never been anything because the two of us were not capable of loving each ohter. You know this, I am slowly learning this, and the entire fucking world was against us. This is not Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis, it's much sadder, like Jar of Hearts by Chrisrtina Perry. That song is a track record for me with the loves of my life. 

     I am up so late tonight typing this and watching Scream 6. I wish you were here watching it with me since we never finished it together, but I am glad that I am alone. It make the knife impacts more dreadful knowing that you would love to watch me fall from a ladder hoisted over four stories high. It is down right pathetic and cowardess of you to just leave me at my lowest.

     There is so much I coud fit into a small book of what we were. There would be parts, the good times, the bad times, and the what the fuck times. All in all, with you I had a great time. I learned so much about myself and there was much that i regained. I loasrt my hope when I was a chid and that was back for a little while. But since tyou have to go and leave me once again I have renounced my ideas about the coming to faith was wrong. Hope is nothing but unwanted expectations. Why set yourself up for failure when you already know the outcome of the situation. Everyone, even you Tucker, did what they said they would never do. 

    You left me.

     Halsey said it correctly in a song and I know you know which one I am about to quote. I was singing it in the shower one time, it was after I took the cat tower to my friend. I was in the shower, from sleeping all day because that was the night we talked about our fathers and you really wanted to leave to go get Bella. That is a night I never will forget. That is when it started shifting for the most part. I miss the you before that, the one where you never made me feel bad for things out of my control. You told me that I was in the wrong for not talking to my father without knowing that bad times we had. I never resented you for that, just like you told me that I was the reason for the outcomes of my secual abuse. Those things were just fuel for me crying myself in the shower.

     "I know how to play, it's all the same. If i keep my eyes closed he looks just like you. He will never stay, they never do." That lyric is how i view them all, even you now. "Would of traded all for you, cared for you - you don't realizer that I'm thinkin' bout you. It's nothing new." There are a myriad of songs by Halsey that I can quote to define out relationship: Now or Never, Strangers, and even Nightmare. Soon So Good will even be about you. What a love story.

     I could go on and on about how much I admire you and how much I want nothing but the best for you. There is this notion in your mind that I am going on and on with shit talking. But I feel like if you wanted a accurate narratiuvbr of how I feel for you, just read this blog. Read the blogs on my website. There is nothing but love there withint he words I typed months ago. I still can not belkievre that someone I met in February gained the momentum to become the pivital person I want to be with all the time. That take a lot of dedication. We bonded over out trauma, our personalities, out like ness, and of course the drug of our choice. There is more to us that Meth, and I promise you that the connection built between us was real for me,

     You always said people told you I slept around. There will be nothing in this reality that will convincer you that I never broke my faith with you. Theres a sensation that I felt only twice before you came along on that Sunday night/morning. I cherish that time we had before we actually slept together. That bonding was something unworldly. I miss that vunerable Tucker who asked me for a hug when I was walking out of my bathroom, it caught me off gaurd.

     You always said that either one of us would have a broken heart when this all ended. You knew from the start that it woule be me. That I would get to attached to you and that I would fall in love with you. I did, I fell so fast and so hard. I had no intentions to do such a thing, especially after Cameron. He broke me but you put be back together. You tauight me that many guys were more than the stiick between their legs, You even said that you did not want what we had to become just that, sexl; but it quickly became that, with us fucking about three times a days. I have never been that sexual with someone before, not even my first love. 

     The passion that you fuled from me was something out of the Earth. You had the enrtire package at the time. I did not care that we had different  opinions and that you were homeless. i had a apartment, and at the time I had a job, The first few days of knowing you, well the first week, you had me wrapped around your wedding band finger. Remember that time we were cuddling in my bed and you legit asked me out of know where to marry you. I replied with when and I was not joking. I would have left that bed in a heartbeat to run to the courthiouse to be yours. I wanted that more than anything but then you snatched it back the next day as if it was something that was never spoken. 

     It hurts more and more as you don't want anything to do with me. I wonder why a lot. I did nothing crazy, i did break your car windshield and threw a coffee cup in your direction. But remember all the things you dfid to me. You told me you loved me then took it back, blamed me for the relationship that failed yet you asked me out, you blame me for you not performing well with others (Yet you wanted a open relationship), you even went county lines to sleep with a friend after we had rules. Ever since I got clean I have been doubting everything you ever said to me. The main reason is because I striuctly never told you my apartment number.

     There are things that I do not do when meeting someone from Grindr, I never reveal my apartment number,. If the guy gets here then I make sure hes real and then I let him up. Its safe because how else will I know when I invite con artist or scammers into my home, even worse I could invite a seriel killer or a terrible human being for that matter. Oh wait...

     I miss the Tucker that never had a problem with being goofy, making voices, or even just cuddling with me in the morning. He was the best, even when he made fun of me for being me. I miss that more than I miss the cholcate milk at SMA. I just want to wrap this up, I shouldn't even give you a post after leading me on all this time. I do love you Tucker Michael, I miss you more than anything, and I hope that we can reconnect. Maybe after you are done paying off your fines, after you are bored with what I left in Orlando, or maybe after you are done being a the villian in this Disney Movie. That would be the mid credit scene…or will it.

     Happy 32nd Birthday,

Tucker

🎂

I love you

✌🏽

06/28/23

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