POST XIII

vienna Waits for you

      I am gonna try to post on my Medium page more. I want the post their to be benificial for me and for others. The first post was about dating a Narscisttic person and how to leave. My second post was about my drig addiction. I left resources to get help on the page, just like I did with the first post. I hope that the outlet there will help others and that's all that goal is. I want my experience to help others get the help that they need. But, the only way that will happen is if they, YOU, want to go forth to accomplish it. 

     Today is day ten. Ten days of not using or poking my viens with a needle to get high. Yeah, ten days is not really a long time but for me it is. That means I went ten seperate days without letting my drug addiction get the best of me. I still need to reach out to a Narcotics Annonymous group then find a sponsor. That will happen, but let me focus on today, which is my court date. SInce I was marchman acted i have to show up in court to show the judge that I am capable of being a fucntional person. My mom filed for a second part which means I need more treatment, but in my perspective, i don't need that. I rather let someone else who actually is struggling to have whatever spot that I take up. I'm not as bad as the others, I have self control and I am self aware of my problem. I can do this, I will do this, I am this.

     I am not worried about the court hearing. I have been behind a bench before and that was the day before I found out I had HIV. Short story: I was punched in the face due to helping a black female escape a abusive domestic partner in May of 2022. I won that debacle but being on the stand while having a incompatant attorney try to belittle me was exhausting. I had to see the photo of my injury which I did not revist until then, which was eleven months later to be frank. It broke me, but that helped the jury understand the severity of the abusers actions. She should of had more jail time besides thirty days, we all know that she will attack someone again. They always do. (that last part made me think of Halsey.)

     I am on my way to the court houe and of all songs to play in the car was Fast Car by Luke Combs. There is a update to the entire Tucker situation. I want to explain it all and debrief it to you, and will. Just as I qill get to the part two of May 9th. Soon. Let's just focus on court and getting through today before worrying about a guy. I am sitting her in the hallway of the court house in Daytona Beach, My time was ten in the morning and it;s one hour past that. I saw Mallory, she kooks good outside the ware aand tare of SMA. I hope her case is solved and she is free to be a person again; I also hope she stays off her addiction and gets better. That's all I want for people like me, to get better.

     As for the lady that seems to have it worse than me, well I hope it calms. There is a storm brewing in your mind that makes you act this way. I do not know you, nor would I ever pay you mind if I was not like who I am today. She waved her hand toward me earlier asking me to come to her and then mouthed in a small whisper to me. "Who is your father?" That was off for someone to ask me that, and more off putting if you knew my backstory. That is for another post, because it's a long listed story on my own personl father issues. But why would this lady say that? Is it due to her addiction, mind problems, and or is it a higher calling trying to tell me to pursue that avanue.

     I will not go down that road right now. Currently my father is not wanting to speak to me. We have not talked since September. I was a different person then, and out of no where he called me a Meth Head before anyone outside my sister and the drug community knew I used, That was very concerning to me that he called me that; cause why was the notion? We exchanged so many fowl words that day and I recall me being in Walmart trying to figure out if I was going to pay my rent or if I was goign to buy food. The premier day of Chucky Season 2, becaue that was one of the last good days I had with Cameron. Cameron is a entire story on it's own...

     I won't go into that story right now, I have other things to worry about than a person who promised me something just to leave. That is something that occures over and over again. People promise to stay, to be there for me when things get rough, but then end up leaving because the roughness is to much for them. One main example is Tucker. He stated to me that he was never ready for a relationship, that he did not want one to begin with, yet he asked me out. Then when ever a fight started about that issue he would throw it in my face, he would tell me that he was not ready, then guilt me into reason about how I was unfair. HE ASKED ME OUT, I always said that I could wait till he was ready, and he kept saying that I pressured him to ask; he simply did it without force and it was after he left a hotel room cause he was feeling insecure. 

     A lot happened that day. I recall that day as if it was yesterday, March 12th. It was three days before Tucker actually lost interest in me. Riddle me this, if you lose interest in someone and think they are not worth your time or anything then why ask them out days after. Why go against what you want, what you feel, and ask someone out? That is not logical in any means, but for me, being asked out by the guy I fancied was something I wanted. So, obviously, I said yes while the car was rolling away from the Extended Stay back in March. That day was clear as the thoughts I am typing, if only I could go back to them. 

     Actually, I don't want to go back to those days. I learned all I have since then. There are things that I want to write about and things I want to post on Medium. The next thing I am going to be working on is How do you know your partner is working for the police or I will write someting on police tactics to make drug addicts look unreliable. THese things are pounding pressures that I ponder, and once I get it all out of my brain then I will be alright. I hope… 

      I named this post Vienna Waits for you because the song by Billey Joel. The entire song is a metaphor or a rubric that I will define my life as. "Where's the fire, what's the hurry about? You better cool it off before you burn it out. You got so much to do and only, so many hours in a day."  That line is me because I am so urgent on getting things accomplished and I want it done that instant. "Slow down you're doing fineYou can't be everything you want to be before your time. Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight." The song is all about just taking in the moment as is, do not rush your life, and things will come to you eventually just not now. It's simple.

     "You got your passion, you got your pride. But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?" Billy Joel never talked to Angelica Schyluer before, and if he had he would know that her nad I are never satisfied. Even when I get what I want I am never pleased with that. There were only a few things that I was settling on and to be honest I don't think those things were out of reach. Getting my book published, getting a compact van, getting a dog, and having a child. Those four things are somethign that I will never stride away from, because those things are what keeps me going through each simplistic day. The longing hope….

      It's noon and I am stil sitting her waiting to see the judge for my court hearing. I'm not upset that i've been sitting here for two hours, because I am simply waiting around all day anyway for my phone to be delievered. The tracking on UPS says by seven, which is fine by me. I have my computer and i have wifi here, I am content as I can be. I want to start going through the prices I can make from selling my YU-Gi-OH cards. I am thinking about putting them on this site where others can view them to buy. Should I?

     Things that I find so moronic, people who are not ude to service animals. Maybe i am privileged in udnerstand and knowing about the topic due to working for Walt Disney World. I am accosumed to knwoing the in and outs of someone who has a service animal. The common "ohhs" and the need to want to pet the dog are so mundane. You are never given the right to pet a service animal, they are on the clock doing their job. Would you interupt someone who was meant to do their job? The answer would and should always be a no.

      Of coruse, the man who had a service animal was my attorney for the case. He was nice and he was very personable, yet he kinda tried to direct me into what to say. I knew I wanted outgoing patient but he kept telling me to do residential. That was something I did not want nor did I need. I also said that I did have a drug problem but I've been good since the seventeenth, yet he said I had a bad drug problem… Old people are respected in my eyes but have you seen the show Dinosaur.  I agree that there was something from that show that should be implimented, the tar pit, Hurling Day.

     Thank god that my mom finally did something right in my eyes. She dropped the act, she actually meant her words. This makes me feel hope again, makes me want to keep going, makes me not want use. Maybe in die time this act she performed will wither away the dsigust and betrayl I have for her. It has been slowly going away with everything she has done for me. I do find gratitude in that and maybe oneday I will trust her once more. It's odd that I can regain any sort of connection with my mom, even after all the negative crap she has done. 

     She has been there for me since everything and not been so stand offish. I know that I am very edgy and hard to be around. That's not something that's new. I know that I am not nice all the time, that my words do have imoact on others. I understand how that will change things and I understand that I need to stop and think more. That's a lesson I learned directly from Tucker, but something I have heard all my life. 

     Since the case was dropped I think I can go back to talking about the recent development between Tucker and I. He messaged me yesterday saying he wanted nothing to do with me. That I creativly made him have a bleak existance in life. That he has to watch over his shoulder now, that he can not trust anyone, and that he can not even get high. He tells me he loves me yet he loves himself more, and that he will walk away from us. That the good times were just that, good times being created by the drugs alone and nothing else. To me all this helps the narration of what I think, and it's not a good one either.

     That is for another post, another discussion, another plot. I think this post is done for. I am going to set up my phone, get back intune with the world. I will search for a job, a sponser, and do my best. I am smart, I am kind, and I am me. I know now that people will come into your life, be something that you think they are just to be something else, then leave. Everyone leaves, but who choses to stay here in Vienna with you. That is the most important thing, finding those who are loyal and worthwhile.

     Tomorrow is Tucker's birthday, also It's Victoria's. I hope they have a good day. 

✌🏽

6/27/23

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