POST XII


All In AlL  (AllTooWell)


     I'm gonna start this post with saying something I am thaankful for. The biggest thing I am thankful for is acts of kindness. They do not come often enough and, if you're like me, let them pass you by when you could be that act. This is something I want to accomplish more. I want to help people I see in need, or just be there for others. When I was in SMA i was told that you will get what you want in life if you p\ut others first. The main question is that though, who will i put first before myself?

     I could list many people that I could put way before myself. My sister, My family, my best friends, my casual friends, random people, or even Tucker. I promise I will eventually get to the point where I will not mention him in a post, but that will not be for a long time from now. He imprinted his soul onto me, there is a connection between us that is unbeknownst to the universe. Only the person in charge knows what is going to happen to us, and even if it's him not replying to my text or calls, that's what is meant to happen. It does hurt, knowing that you were something great to someone one day and then poof….youre simply not worth a single word in a text.

     I do feel like myself though...

     There is this playlist that I created when Tucker and I started talking. It's something silly that I started to do when I thought the person I like was meant for something more than just a casual fling. There are 66 songs on this list, spanning over three hours. I am still finding songs to add to the collective, who knows if it'll ever stop. The top five songs on that playlist I love to hear when I am missing Tucker are: Faith by Gallants & Dolly Parton, Take me home by Jess Glynn, Fast Car by Luke Combs, Space Between by Dove Cameron and Sofia Carson, and Slide Away by Miley. It's a ladder of heartache and admiration; but that was the normal between the two of us.

     To keep my sanity the last few days I have been making book covers for my supernatural story. It is all handwritten, from 2010 till finished in 2021. This story is one that helped me through it all, and once people close to me read it they will see occurances. Things during my life incirperated story idea's and plot changers, especially the entire character development of my gay charcter. My book is a trilogy, but I am splitting it into eight parts. Book one will be split into two pieces: Curse of the Scott Sisters and Curse of the Thirst. Book 2 will be the same: Curse of the Unwanted Son and Curse of the Soul Witch. Book three will be four pieces, due to the hand written portion is two-thousand pages long. Curse of the Origin, Curse of Forbidden Love, Curse of the Time Witch, and Curse of the Haven.

     Some miraculous things have happened to lately. First, its the most important, is that I got about eight grape jolly ranchers in the last bag. Normally I would get two, and would save them for the end. Not this time, I ate them all first. Second, I finally finished organizing my stuff. It was hard to pick what clothes meant something and which would be left behind. Behind, you say…I plan to start sofa surfing maybe or get a small job somewhere start staying in hotels and making my life again Again as, my self and just me doing it. 

     I have this strong need to always have a man next to me doing the thing called life. Of course I want Tucker to be here with me, next to me, holding my hand while it get's to brass. But in all honesty, I do not need him here. I am getting to the point where I do not need to talk to him all the time. There are times when i find my self choked up to the thought of what could have been. It stings like a small needle going into my arm that was oozing;l the needle nor my arm. Of course I miss him, he is and will be the last love of my life. I do not plan on going out or waiting around for love to happen. I have had it happen three real times, and there were numerous others that I called love but it was just on the brisk of it.

     Talking about neddles. I should address my current state with my drug addiction. I have yet to touch the stuff since June 17th. I know that it's just none days, ten tomorrow, but that's something. Yes, the urge to run to find it has been there; especilly when life seems to be cushing me or when my mother belittles me about using or just being alive. Those are a couple of triggers that make me wanting to search for Tina, she is not wroth it! The only thing that is waiting for me to use again is the disheaveled version of myself sitting in the intake room, but this time I am not the quiet one yet I am the loud mouth discussing informalities to an empty cieling. 

     The journey is long and hard but I am willing to take this climb up the mointain. I will place that flag on the top then do summersaults down the slope knowing that I conquered. This will not be something that defeats me, it will mold me into the better version of me, beta 32. This one is refined, faces things head on, asks for help and gives it, listens to others and not just himself. On top of that list is something that I never did, and that is to live life of the oppurtunities provided. 

     I will not just simple let things go by anymore. If there is something that arises that can help me be better, to do better, then I am going to go for it. I will take all the help that is offered, even if it's someone saying that they will do all they can. In reality, all you can do is send me money. I need some, i need a lot some. I I have so many people to pay back because of my addiction, because who I was and still am, and just because I will even if they said not to worry about it. I want to be that person that gives back, even when it was declined to be repaid.

     I found a Narcotics Anonymous meeting that is tonight online. It's zoom to be clear. I went from a zoom room full of partygoers and jerking men to something more pleaseant and worthwhile. There were days I when I went into a cloud room on zoom to find the same guy aitting there in the same pose from when I was on last. I would common stumble upon men passed out in front fo the camera, lucky I never seen someone knocked out while they tried to inject themselves. That is a image I never want to see, not even in my nightmares. I've seen SawII when Amanda was tossed into a pit full of used and exposed needles. NO WAY!

     The only thing that keeps me constant is two images. The one i described with me at the admission lobby of SMA. That is the one keeping me on the path of no drugs, of course weed is a different spectrum. The picture I have in my head, the goal or the dream if you call it that. Well, that is me in the front seat of either a RV or a Van with a canine best friend in the passangers seat. WE are wanderers of North america blogging and living happily. If there is a man there, so be it, but all in all....

                                                                                                                            Fuck That 🖕🏽

✌🏽

6.26.23


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