A enigma Starting 

     Since the day I was Marchman Acted I have seen some things in a new light. It's crazy how fast it happened. One minute I was napping in my sister's car while she was getting lunch to being bombarded by police in the parking lot of walmart. What a whirwind.

     Let me discuss the what the Marchman Act first before I go into my expiernce. a law under the Florida Statute that enables family members to obtain help for a loved one who is unwilling to seek substance abuse services voluntarily. The act is a very good tool for someone who needs it, and just to clarify I did not need it. The main reason I detest that it was pressured on me even though I was on my way voluntarily. 

     She, my mom, knew that I was going and the fact she went behind my back is unreasonable. I was mad at her for the first hour of it being effected, but it went away while I sat there being processed at SMA Healthcare. I got there around four in the afternoon and did not get a bed until midnight. My process time took a while but I did not mind because I had chocolare milk to hold me over. 

     Intake was not that bad. I thought my case was extreme but there were people there that had it worse. There was one lady who kept talking to the sky, calling out people for their lies, and talking about the injustices of the world. She was loud but not as loud as the person screaming at his mother on the phone. He reminded me of a character from Orlando, Robby Bickey. A skinny, drug user who has a dark cloud following him. I swear on my life that this person is part of the group that work with law enforment; but what do I know. There was another person that was very worried about his medication and repeated the phrase, "I don;t belong here, I shouldn't be here. I am not meant to be here."

     Something I grasped onto fast was that if you were at SMA you were there for a reason. We all were there and meant to be there. I needed this more than I thought. I got to learn peoples experiences and see with my own eyes how drug addiction effected others. I did not want to get to the point where I was shouting at someone or nothing. The answers were not out there where I thought they were, they were here at this facility. The answers were something I was not privleged to because I was looking in the wrong direction, a selfish one,

     The days were long if I did not sleep. I met a pretty eye opening female there on my first day after lunch. Her name, let's call her…Mallory. I chose that name because Mallory, in American Horror Story is the next supreme: and during the time of theoriest people were under the belief that she was an angel. So, Mallory thank you for showing me that there is more to this than just track scars and terrible decisions, I owe you a tattoo gun when we meet again.

     Being there was eye opening. My second day or third day I had a NA meeting, and the host was a man named Lyon. He was pretty chill with his message. He said that you had to be selfless, do things for others and eventually that will be benificial for you. It is something Tucker tried to teach me, but of course I had to heard it again. Lyon talked about finding a religion, that it does not have to be GOD but something that you put enough belief and faith in that it helps you through your recovery. All in all, his words helped me and opened my eyes. I hope I get to cross paths with him again to thank him.

     The only person in the way of a better life is YOU.

   I spent four days at SMA. I was suprised that I got out on the friday one week of being clean. That's correct, it's been a week. I have yet to have the need to want the drug nor is eveyones statistic being placed on me are being effective. I am a enigma, a hybrid, a new strain of person. That is something I thought all my life, that I was different from all the others.

     I learned that the reason I never had withdrawl symptoms was because I had a strong metabolism. Others thought it was odd that I picked my shoulders rather than my arms and face. My reasoning was because I can hid my shoulder, my face and arms are present in eye sight. I never intended for people to look at me and know that I was a druggie. Appearance is everything.

    Something I learned while in SMA was that I will never trust my mom again. She does not understanderd me at all and until the day I die, she will never. There is no connection between her and I, whatever one that was there is diminished; she ruined that when she went behind my back. 

   The nurse practioner asked me if I was upset with my mom for what she did, I said I was betrayed and I understood. What I understood is that my mom lacks authentic empathy for others and will do everything in her power to ruin peoples lives no matter what.  And if you are reading this, I am sorry that you forced this on...

     Side note: If you own a modem wityh wifi please have a password that you can remember and that you can spell. It's YACHT, how do you not teach yourself how to spell yacht. Why keep going through the same situation when you can learn to avoid it. It's idiotic to keep doing the same thing when you can simply not. 

     There has been so many mind games being played against me. I know now that most things in my life since February 26th have been a fasade. There have been people I have met who have not been who I thought they were, Many situations I have been in where created to simply make my life look better or to make me go along a path that someone else intended. Paranoia goes so far, and when somoene tells me that something tangaible is make believe then that's manipulations. I don't really care at this point, because I am ready to start a new, begin a new adventure with the things I have learned.

     I won't be going to school like I wanted. I can just blame my mom for not finishing my financial aid as she saidf she would, but that would be passing the blame. I should never have asked her for help. Sometimes help is good, but when the other person does not want to even try then is that help? I need to learn to do things on my own, there is no one that will think of me before their own needs. No one. 

     There is thanks that need to be given. I wanna thank my sister with all my heart, Cassidy. You have been the one person that has helped the most. You listened to me, assisted me, and even protected me. I will always cherish what you did for me, the means of how you did it, and the frosty you got me after I got out. I wanna also give thanks to my best friends for always staying to myside. Jenn ( my sisters ex) for helping with the move and protecting my computert while I was away., Cane ( my sister's friend), for the move and just being there. And a big thank you to all the workers at SMA for theie pure understanding and no judgement as they made sure that I was on the road to a better me.

     I want to be different. I do not want to use any more, no do I have the need to do so. Everyone says that this is the hardest part, but in all my reality, this is easy. I don't have the urge to smoke meth nor shoot it up. I have the urge to talk to Tucker, continue my HIV medications, be health, and get my life back. The glue and tape that I am using might not hold it all together, but my will power to keep on is stronger. I will have a van, the man, and the best friend next to me while I journey across American doing what I love and doing what I WANT!



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