POST IX


alone & Undetectable 


     I feel like i am not wanted by anyone anywhere anymore. It's like i am just a burden amongst this floating rock in the sky. The feeling is something of feeling a empty void that will never be able to close. Healing is slowly coming along with the dread of being alone in this vast world. How will I know that things will get better if the appeal that I am delievered is not that of hope. I have none of that right now to see what my future entails, because at the end of the day it will only be me

     The only person that I can rely on is myself. My mother, my sister, ny friends, my ex-work friends, my ex boyfriend, and even people I have conversations and interactions with will not be there when the darkest days are to bleak to even see any light, They clearly do not understqnd the longing feeling of being wanted and accepted. The closest one that could retain any emotions that I am radianting off my body is Tucker, He had been left, forgotten, scorned, retracted, banished, and even rejected by a myriad of people. He get it, he gets me to a level that no one has ever reached. My core. 

     There has to be a place in thie crappy place that wants me. I know the Daytona Beach did not want me back when i grew up there. Iowa, Virginia, Orlando, and Dinsey all are included on that list of forbidden places of acceptence. I think of going to Buffalo where there are nice people all around. It was a pleasant place there, but I know when I revisit the memories will not be just. I will have the fond emotions of my tripo in July. That was a life changing expereince and i wish that i never returned to Florida ony July 12th. Things woiuld be greatly different if the trip never ended. 

     I had responsiblities that beaconed be back home: an apartment, a rabbit, and a job. Look at me right now, sitting on the carpter of my shell of a home watching my sister and others move my things. Yeah, I should be doing more and everything but I packed it all and hadf to endure the emtoptional and Mental abuse that transpired for two long months. I am not the same person that I was nback in April. Hey, I am not the same perosn I was back in February. I have changed on a whole amount of things, and to be honest I like the person i am today.

     The only thing that I wish i could take back is the feeling of being alone forever. I think of that coinstantly. It liongers in the back of my mind like the bats at the end of a dark cave. It flutters there waiting to make me feel weak abnd vunerable. The frenzy that comes from the beast charging from the abyss is me when I can't control the floodgates. It's a horrendous occurance that I wish never would come, but it does. 

     Like right now, I feel alone. As if I am curled up in a corner with no one here to give me support. I need someone to tell me that it will always be okay no matter what. Someone to pat me on the back while i think that the world is against me. It is something that I find easy to ask for but something not tangibnle at all. How hard is it to comfort a person when they need it during thier worst time. I can not take anymore punches right now, i need some good throws. 

     I want something good to happen to me...

     By the way, I am undetactable.

✌🏽 

06/17/23


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