POST VII

THE LONGING HOPE

It’s been a month and a few days. A month since I found out that I have HIV. A month since Tucker and I broke up. A month since my entire life changed. There has been some crazy things that have happened this last month that make me sit down, look around, and say WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!

     The things that are getting to me them most are how I let people walk all over me like the used doormat on my balcony. Yes, it says welcome, but does it say to trample all over me and treat me like the entire world has treated you. No! I need to start saying that more, saying no. Because if I do not say no, I will lose it all. My mind, my heart, my lifestyle, and even my own very life.

     I feel very alone most days lately. My male roommate was so uncomfortable living here he moved out and I think the female roommate has not been back to the apartment in days. I am pretty sure that she left because I was letting Tucker around here. I have no money to pay my rent, no job, and barley any friends to keep me going. It’s very, very depressing being me in a three-bedroom apartment right now.

     I am going to be real and honest, not that I haven’t already been. I am scared shitless of myself. I am a person that gets attached to quickly to others. Ever since I was a child, I have been co-dependent. I was toward my mom, my sister, my friends, even to my toys. There has been a small amount of time in my life where I was alone, and that was from February 2016- April 2016, which is not a lot of time.

     I am very co-dependent on other people. That’s a basic fact, ask anyone in my life and they will all say the same thing. “Yes, Aiden has been with a guy no matter what”, and that is not wrong. Ever since I was able to date people, I was always with someone, started with Beth and now here I am hung up over Tucker. That man drives be bananas but at the same time he is the most passionate person I have ever met.

     And there you have it ladies and gentlemen, my entire problem. I am head over heels in love with this man but at the same time he treats me like dirt. He doesn’t think that he does, but in retrospect he does. He will always combat that with saying that I am the vile underminer, and yes, I can say mean things here and there, but actions also equivalate to words. And you can take back a comment, but you can’t take back an action. I’ve learned this over and over and over again.

     So, what should I do? Continue down this path of self-destruction to chase after a man who likes to play games? Or should I focus on myself and get my life back on track? The answer is simple, and I know that most of ya’ll are screaming at me to not focus on Tucker and just myself. You are all right. I need to do just that. But I want him in my life. He deserves success and a chance to be free from the toxicity of the world of drugs. Why can’t I have both?

     I know why…

     Tucker doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want to stop he like that rush of getting high. It masks the pain and guilt he feels from when he wakes up to the moment he crashes to sleep. I like getting high because it brings a feeling of happiness, a feeling that I have not felt like since I was a child. The longing hope that everything is alright, that nothing can take me down, and that I will be fine. I never feel that way when I am sober.

     So how do I get to that point? To the point of happiness and bliss? I need to reconnect with my roots. I need to be who I was born to be. I need to not let all the negative influence in my life and just focus on the things that matter to me. I need to focus on my writing, I need to focus on my life, I need to focus on all the small things I started while losing my job at Disney. I need to do this for myself because if I don’t, I’ll be lost forever in the dark abyss.

     I got this; I really do...

     Do i?

✌🏽

5/25/23

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