Post VI

NOTHING BUT SUPPORT

      It’s odd because everything seems off. The friendly vibe of CREWhealth wasn’t here today and it felt more like a police station. It could be my nerves or my anxiety, but I swear to god this isn’t going to end well: what is happening, I have no idea.

      Tucker drove himself to the clinic as I, not being comfortable in his car, took an uber. I sat in the uber not knowing what to expect. I knew that the phone call I had with the receptionist earlier that day was off, just like every other interaction I was having. I just did know what to do, I needed someone there with me and I needed Tucker to be that one person.; I was dependent on him, and he dealt with all this before, He was my rock.

      There were two guys in beards at the reception desk and they were nice, but I got cop vibes; Tucker isn’t here yet and I’m waiting for him cause I need support. He’s taking his time and to me that’s also sketchy. He’s being so weird, everything about my life isn’t right. Nothing is going as I think it should and all people say is that I’m lucky to have such a positive outlook. How can I be negative when all I want is to feel normal and not crazy.

      The crazy parts are going to keep coming and I swear to him that I am trying not to look at life that way. It’s extremely hard to do so. Things add up to being a way to get me in trouble and for what! I did not do anything; that I know of. So why is all this happening.

      Doctor Clyde was amazing. He was so supportive and willing to listen to my problems. He has the same issues I have. He was an addict, he was lost, and he also is gay, He is fifty years old, but he looks as though he is 35. He eats right, works outs, and takes care of his mental health. He told me that I needed a strong support system during this trying time. He told me that I should not rely on Tucker, who just left me here because I asked him a simple question. Yes, I told him to just leave because he was trying to argue with me while I was fragile; but did I mean to actually leave me? No.

      I learned my count is 1,900. He said that was bad and that I am a high risk of passing HIV onto someone, meaning no sex for 3 months. I have to take Dovato, which he gave me 2 bottles of. At the end of finding out my results Dr. Craig gave me a hug; it was nice to know that he cared and that he wanted what was best for me. He said that I can see a therapist and get tested for BI Polar disorder once I was off my addiction.

      The only thing that I did not like about my visit was that he kept correcting me when I told him I haven’t smoked or slammed in a few days, which was true; yet he kept saying I did it that day. I did more blood work and did an anal and throat swab to check for any STI’s. I talked opening with the nurse and that was something very new to me. 

      Then I read my texts from Tucker. He went to Kyle and Ross to get high. How could you leave the person you care about to go get high when he is needing you for support. Of course, that put me in a frenzy because 1.) I didn’t have a ride home. 2.) I wanted now to get high. 3.) he went to the two people I told him not to go to without me. So, I got a Lyft, a very handsome guy non the less, and headed over to the Extended Stay.

     I marched my way up to the room where they all were. Tucker was not there, yet I was texting him since I left. It was odd because when I got there Ross answered the door and he said that Tucker went to his car. I hastily darted my way back to the hallway and down the back steps to the spots Tucker liked to park. I did not see him at all, not in his car, not anywhere. I walked back to the second floor to see Tucker starring out the window. He was so calm when he turned toward me, yet I was in a frenzy of confusion and hate.

     When I got into the room after Tucker gave me the longing hug, I needed his voice changed and he explained to the other two that I needed a hug. It was nice to get that, but my anxiety was off the roof. I felt that something was going on and that there was something different, in that case I got up after telling them that I wanted a 70CC shot and excused myself for a walk around the hotel.

     I had an inkling that Tucker was working for the police. I thought that for days. I typed out a text to Ross and Kyle explaining that and they simply turned my concern down. After two 3 musketeer bars I went back up to the room. I heard helicopters and sirens going off in my mind, thinking that it was going on in real life. v told me that there were rides for tourist and that I knew that, in which I did not.

     The three of them started to berate me on how none of them were cops. That none of them were trying to get me in trouble or frame me for anything. Yet here I was about to do drugs with them and hearing all those noises. What was I meant to do? Sit there and let it all affect me like it was. I wanted to leave and just as I was about to go to Tucker jumps up in an aggressive manner and almost shoves me to the ground.

     Ross and Kyle were more upset that I wanted to leave than the nature of my ex trying to hurt me. That was my last straw, I needed to leave. I left, with them calling out for me to come back, for me to not do anything stupid, and the only one that could have made me come back was Tucker, yet he didn’t even try.

     I walked around the hotel for almost an hour waiting for someone to come down to comfort me. To tell me the I was going to be okay, yet no-one showed; not even the man I loved. I finally decided to leave, to walk around International Drive alone with my sister on the phone. I was losing my mind at this point, trying to connect all the dots that I had and then realizing that I could not trust nobody,

     After a while I called a few friends. Some were telling me to go home, some telling me to go back to the hotel, and some not even answering their damn phones. Tucker tried to call me multiple times, but I never answered, When the sun started to set, I was getting nervous for my safety. If there is anywhere you do not want to be when it was dark, it was International drive.

     I begged Tucker to come get me, to pick me up and take me home. He never responded. I walked all the way back to the extended stay after trying to look for a sex shop to buy a toy to last me until my three months was up, I never did find one. I sat down next to Tucker's car and talked to my friend Marissa about everything. She was nice and she made sure that I was okay. I wasn’t though.

     Tucker took me home; it was silent in the car beside the conversation I was having on the phone with my sister. She and I talked about my birthday plans, and how she wanted Tucker to go to the condo with me and just relax. He did not want to go, and he refused to talk to me.

     When we parked in front of my apartment I asked him for a hug goodbye, He refused, which gave me the notion to start crying. His hugs could cure cancer, yet he did not want to give me one. I told him how I would really want him to go upstairs cause he had to use the bathroom, but he refused that also. The last thing he said to me before I got hurt of the car was that his stomach hurt, and that my pain of hurt was the same as his; and that he was probably going to die that night. I did not take it as an odd thing to say and got out of the car.

         Before I went into the area where my staircase was, he pulled over to tell me that there was a picture on my snapchat story of the night he pulled the fire alarm. He said that that was the reason everyone was looking at me weird in the neighborhood, and that the cops knew that it was I who pulled it, not him, I was shocked…

         He drove off leaving me there thinking to myself. I did not know if that was the last time I would see him, or if I would see him again. I texted him asking what that was about, and he got angry with me. He said that was going to go to Kyle and Ross to fuck them both, which he knew that it would hurt me. It did.

         I went upstairs crying my eyes out because I was over today. I was hurting drastically and had no one there to vent to. I put my head on my pillow and just let the tears flow out from my swollen eyes…

Part 1

✌🏽

5/9/23

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