Post V

     The entire world froze and I had no idea what just happened...

That was intense, all the things that occurred since I wrote the last post. I can feel the earth move underneath my feet and I am barley holding on. Tucker and I are no longer anything, and it breaks my heart. There are many things I wish, but to be without I’m is not one of them. I do love that man with every fiber in my body, every translucent image of my soul, and every molecule in my brain. But just like everything, our relationship was over. He could not be the person that I needed and I could not be the person he wanted either.

     It’s tremendously hard for me right now due to the diagnosis, not having a car, nor having money (Job). I feel stuck and worthless, and there will be many that I will say I am not, but that is how I feel. I need to find a reason to live outside of Tucker…he was my entire being and I need to figure out how not to be like that. I have ideas for what is next for me and it will be the hardest thing I had ever done.

A Tectonic Shift

 I will release a few blogs after this one, things that I have kept private and personal. I do not want people to not know who I am or what I have been through. Let’s just say many will be taken back and this is not going to be easy on me. I am not ready for my world to change, but this tectonic shift is what needs to be done in order to get my stability and self worth back. I let others use me to the point of nothing, and I need to feel something once again…something other than demise and destruction.

     And, if you are reading this Tucker, just know I will always love you till  my last blood vessel dries up in my veins. You are my everything and I need you to know that it was always you. You were my ride or die, my favorite person, my life partner… you were it all.

     I did not need anything, anyone…all I needed was you and your embrace to get me through the day. I will miss you the most. I love you Tucker Michael, and I am sorry that I'm not good enough to be loved back.



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