Post IV

The Right Favorite Person

     Have I lost sight of my entire life? I think I have. I have no where to go but up I guess. There is nothing here in this master bedroom that I would want. Not my Pretty Little Liars DVDs, not my ancient old Harry Potter books, and not even my hat collection. The only thing that I wish I would want next to me wherever I went would be him. But, can I have that at all. The answer right now is no. I pushed him off the cliff, with my own two hands. Only after watching him tumble his way down the ledge side was when I realized what I have done. 

     I am a monster. There is nothing no one can say that would change that about me. IF you are one of those people, then that means you heavily seen my good side, and well I am very grateful for that. No matter what I do, what I say, or what I care about; I will always do something that will diminish the care someone has for me. That is what I did with Tucker, and doing that is the thing that will end the rest of my chanced of any hope. I can not see a way back from this ledge, and nothing will catch me once I finally take that same plunge to the depths below. 

     Ever since I was a kid, age six, I gave up the term hope. I never thought I would see the day where I would regain the optimism of that word, or even feel the sensation of what it can do. I was always let down by the people I cared about. They would hurt me, lie to me, deceive me, and leave me. I have been alone, to myself, since then and it has been a hardship, knowing that no matter what you would do in this life that you will always be alone. There was nothing that was going to change that, until February 26th, 2023. That was the day I met Tucker Michael, the person that would make me believe in hope again. 

     Ive made some terrible actions and have said some horrendous things to this man. I have threatened to ruin his life on a few occasions because I felt hurt. Yes, my feelings are valid, but no I would never attempt to ruin his life to that extreme. I did once post a nasty accusation on his non profit Facebook page, and ever since then I have been beating myself up for it. I promised him that I would never do such, Yes I have since then said some terrible things, which came after he called me some drastic names. Fighting to the extreme is something created out of passion, right? These fights are the catalyst to the end, and when that dooming day comes….actually I don’t want to think about that. I just stopped crying, which has been seven hours. 

     I want to write a letter to him, something that is endearing and monumental. I know that he did not want a relationship when he met me, and I was not even looking for one. The last guy that tore me up like a used piece of paper was something totally opposite of Tucker. That guy was horrible to me, and never thought what he was doing was wrong. Tucker, on the other hand had feelings and cares about me; even if I say he doesn’t when I am upset. There are things about him that just get me going and the first thing that does exactly that is his drive to be better than what he was prior. He is a staple of how every man should be, and what I want to be. 

     Yes, I have a lot to work on. I am no perfect person, neither are you. I have massive trust issues that can mimic the height of Mount Everest, They are created by the lack of attention I got from people I cared about in my past. The constant cheating my previous relationships scorned me with. The constant need to want to be involved in my partners life more than a normal person should be. The biggest one beside all my problems is that Tucker is very closed off. He is this way because all his past trauma, his relationship hardships, and the urge to wanting to be independent enough that he doesn’t even need a person. What he doesn’t know is that everyone needs a person that is there for you, even if it’s someone as despicable as I. I know, don’t be so hard and down on yourself; but I have to because I hurt this man. I hurt this man and I can’t live with myself knowing that he is out there with the pain that I caused.

     We all have pain that we are hiding. Some of us use this pain to hurt other people.. Tucker told me this, “Hurt people hurt people” and it has stuck with me since. That is something that everyone should realize when walking the streets. There are people that are fighting demonic battles in their heads and we have no idea, but they are keeping a fronting smile and a demeanor so jitter that it could make the sugar plum fairy faint with exhaustion. Yet we have our own problems that we keep at bay. Some of us share with their close circles and the others never release the information to others. I am the close circle one as Tucker is the opposite,

     My actions are the things that define who I am as a person. The thing I say are held by others to be what makes a character. “Actions speak louder than words” is my go to saying. “Words have meaning,” is what Tucker would say back to that.                                                

      We have two different stand points on the subject. Mine comes from my parents not being around much as a child and they would promise a vast selection of things to me, but it never happened.  I have no idea why Tucker agrees more with the words that someone says than the actions that they do. I have to respect that and him if I want any sort of future relationship with him. And trust me when I say this, I DO!

     He is my support system through all this, my rock. I can rely on him to answer whatever question that pops in my head. He makes sure that I am at ease with the diagnosis. I would not want anyone else in the entire world try to help me over Tucker. He is a caring, compassionate, and knowledgable man, and not even about HIV.      He can tell me many thing that I do not know. My head is filled with useless information, like rows on rows of filing cabinets. Imagine the episode from Sponge Bob Square Pants when Sponge Bob deletes everything from his brain and he could not remember who he. I wish I could do that, delete something in my noggin, just to have a refresh.

     That would be the best thing in the world. It would come in handy when I want to forget something moronic that I said or did to Tucker….Like today and all the fights that we endured.. And Tucker, if you are reading this entry, just know that I do have tremendous feelings for you. I want nothing but the best things in life for you and I never want to see you hurt.  Of course I want to date you, but you are far from ready for that and I am content with just having you in my life as a friend, There are time that we do not agree on things, and that is normal. We should never agree 100% on a topic, if we did we would not be two separate entities.

     We are great together because we are different. Two messed up peas in a pod, yet I would not change a thing about you, nothing at all. To me you are perfect as they come and I want to enjoy all the moments I have in life with you beside me taking it all in one screw up at a time. You, Tucker Michael, are my favorite person on this planet and my life partner no matter what we throw at each other. I promise that this is not going to be as hard as it has been and I will work on the things that need to be better; not only for me…but for you.

     You deserve the entire FUCKING world, Tucker and I really hope I get to be part of it… I really do.

✌🏽

5/1/23

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