Post III

One Man's  Trash Is Another Man's Table

     It’s not normal for Tucker and I to have a day where we do not fight about anything, and that was today. It was nice, calming, collective, and even blissful. The energy around us today was great, it was like stepping into a warm bath, with sensual music, bubbles foaming at the brim, and the man you love already soaking. That’s what it felt like and I swear, those are the days I look forward to.

 Beside it being an amazing day between Tucker and I, other things did happen. I got a new dresser which was found next tot the dumpster. That’s where I find the decent furniture that dwells in my apartment. Please do not ask me how many tables I have collected from doing this tactic. 

     I normally find moving in days or out days the best to collect things. Many people do not want their old possessions, in which means that it ends up in the trash. It’s odd also, because there are things that I manifested to be. I once wanted a shower rack, which I did not have the money to spend on one, and then guess what? Yes a shower rack was there, ready for me to take. 

     The serotonin I get from getting something from the dumpster is marked high up there on things that make me content and happy. I just want to clarify, I do not go into the dumpster pod itself, I just looked around at the things that wouldn’t it. The things that are in the dumping zone, and let me tell you people are moronic to leave things that could easily bring them a few bucks.    

I need all the extra happiness that I can take. With Tucker and I not knowing what is going on between us and me having HIV, it has been a rollercoaster. Not a good rollercoaster either, imagine I’m on the one from Final Destination 3 and the track keeps going while others are perishing around me. 

     I don’t want to get into the negative mindset of all of this. I want to stay positive and I want to make sure that I am strong. Yes, this is something that will affect my entire life and make or break me. I have met some amazing people that have the disease, outstanding people. You could tell from their expression, demeanor, and mindset that they did not let it ruin anything in their life. 

     But what do I know? I could of been reading it all wrong at the time. I tend to do that a lot lately, where I read a person wrong. It’s not usual for me to do that. I can normally read a person for what they are instantly. I have no idea why it’s such a quest now.

     The other things that happened through out the day were soothing and made the day fluctuate pretty well. Tucker took me to Tibet Butler Nature Preserve to go on a walk. It was a nice experience to get some fresh air and just get out of the apartment for a change.

   We walked around the neighborhood. I always enjoy walks with Tucker because it’s just time with him and fresh air. We typically judge men when we walk, talk, or listen to our music and be silent. After the walk I did some of the dishes. Tucker left some of his coffee ground in the sink so the sponge in the shape of a smiley face was covered in human waste

     If this sponge could maintain a smile then why can’t I about everything in my life. I create the happiness that I endure and I will not let anything break me down to the fragile man I know that dwells inside me. That thought made me relaxed as I went to check on Tucker. 

     His feelings are rapid like a machine gun. One minute he wants to tell me that he likes me and calls me his boyfriend, other times are opposite. He doesn’t want a relationship at all, he wants the ability to be free. I allowed him to be the entire time and we still didn’t last.

     The best part of today was when Tucker came into the bedroom and told me he missed me. He was teary eyed and you could just tell that he was sad. I few days prior I told him that I missed him, but he was right there. It was a I miss you that meant, I miss us and how connected we were.

     It’s was different now….quite different.

     We talked on and off all day about our relationship. There are times that we both want to be together, example sex. Yet, there are times we want alone time. I love looking at him, telling him he’s all sorts of beautiful, and just ask him what he’s doing. He finds that somewhat annoying, but he always says thank you.

     I have no idea how I will react when Tucker leaves. I don’t want it to come any faster than I want to see a cluster of old people getting it on. You’re welcome for that image in your head, unless you like that sort of thing. And I really hope you don’t…

  It was around one thirty when Tucker told me to stop reorganizing and rearranging my bedroom to go to bed. I was pretty high from smoking and  finished up the room for what I could then climbed in bed with him. Laying next to this man makes everything in the world just melt away. 

     Around one or two A.M was when I could feel my eye lid dropping. I was exhausted due to moving the dresser up three flights of stairs and going on a walk in the prime of day; Florida is brutal with heat. It also didn’t help that Tucker and I exchanged passionate time together. All in all, today was amazing, AMAZING, day

     FYI, I have 12 tables in my apartment…TWELVE!

✌🏽

4/26/23

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