Post I

     IT’S SCARY. NOT KNOWING EVERYTHING OR UNDERSTANDING IT. HOW CAN ONE SINGLE PERSON TRY TO OBTAIN ALL THE KNOWLEDGE IN THE WORLD? THEY SIMPLY CAN’T. THAT IS SOMETHING I NEED TO REALIZE, THAT SOMETIMES CLARITY ISN’T ALWAYS BEST. WHAT IF WE, AS HUMANS, ARE MEANT TO NOT KNOW AND GO THROUGH LIFE WONDERING WHAT THINGS MEAN?

     TODAY I AM GETTING TESTED AND SCREENED FOR HIV. I DID TWO HOME TESTS, AND THE RESULTS WERE AS I EXPECTED. I’M NO SAINT, AND I HAVE BEEN AROUND THE BLOCK A COUPLE OF TIMES…OKAY, A FEW.  I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THIS DAY WAS COMING AND I’M LESS FRANTIC ABOUT KNOWING THAN I SHOULD BE.

     I'M WORRIED, YES, BECAUSE MY ENTIRE LIFE IS GOING TO CHANGE. WHO I SLEEP WITH. WHO WILL JUDGE ME. WHO WILL VALIDATE ME. BUT ALL THAT DOES NOT MATTER BECAUSE MY OWN SELF-WORTH IS THE FAR MOST IMPORTANT THING THAT NEEDed TO BE FOCUSED ON. I NEED TO BE OKAY IN THE SKIN I HAVE BECAUSE NOBODY ELSE WILL IF I DON’T LOVE MYSELF..

Unknown Positivity

   HERE I AM, SITTING AT THE CLINIC WITH A MYRIAD OF THINGS GOING ON IN MY LIFE. FROM AN ASSAULT CASE FINALLY BEING CONCLUDED, TO MY PARTNER NOT WANTING TO BE AROUND ME BECAUSE I HAVE TOXIC ANGER PROBLEMS. I’M ADDRESSING THE NEGATIVE PARTS OF ME, HAPPY THAT MY ASSAILANT IS FINALLY GETTING WHAT SHE DEALT WHEN SHE HIT ME. BUT WHAT DO I DO ABOUT ALL OF IT AS A WHOLE.

     I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT TO EXPECT BUT I AM ABOUT TO GO FIND OUT THE TRUTH IF I HAVE HIV…

THAT WAS SWIFT, AND FOR SOME ODD FORCE IN THE UNIVERSE, I AM CALM. I’M NOT FREAKING OUT ABOUT MY RESULTS OR THE SITUATION AT HAND. ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS, WHAT’S NEXT? WHAT AM I GOING TO GO THROUGH AND HOW WILL I COPE WITH ALL THIS. AND IF YOU HAVEN’T REALIZED AT THIS TIME OF MY DIAGNOSIS, I AM INDEED POSITIVE.

     I THINK I PREPPED MYSELF FOR MONTHS ALREADY KNOWING THE OUTCOME OF ANY TEST. TO PINPOINT THE EXACT MOMENT, I THINK I GOT IT WAS BACK IN NOVEMBER OR DECEMBER. IT WAS FROM A GUY IN MERRITT ISLAND THAT WAS A RANDOM INTERACTION. IT’S IRONIC THAT A RANDOM INTERACTION CAN CHANGE YOUR ENTIRE LIFE FOR THE NEGATIVE, WELL IN THIS CASE POSITIVE.

     OF COURSE, I SHOULD HAVE BEEN PRACTICING SAFE SEX AND NOT PUTTING MYSELF IN DANGEROUS SITUATIONS. TIMES HAVE CHANGED IMMENSELY SINCE I FIRST HEARD ABOUT THIS DISEASE AND THE FIRST PERSON THAT I KNEW WAS SOMEONE IN MY FAMILY. MY UNCLE TO BE EXACT, AND HE IS EVERYTHING WRONG WITH THE GAY COMMUNITY WRAPPED IN A HORRENDOUS INDIVIDUAL.

    THINGS HAPPEN AND PEOPLE DO THINGS THAT THEY MIGHT NOT REGRET UNTIL MONTHS LATER. THAT’S PROBABLY THE CASE WITH ME AT THIS EXACT MOMENT. I’M SITTING HERE AT CREWHEALTH KNOWING MY STATUS AND AS COOL AS A CUCUMBER. WHY IS THAT A SAYING ANYWAY, “COOL LIKE A CUCUMBER”?

         I’VE ALWAYS BEEN CALM AND COLLECTED EVER SINCE I WAS A KID. BEING RELAXED HAS BEEN A REGULAR THING IN MY LIFE, I COULDN’T EVEN THINK TO A TIME WHERE I WAS FRANTIC. EVEN WHEN I WAS LET GO FROM DISNEY, I WAS CALM ON THE EXTERIOR BUT INSIDE I WAS FUMING WITH BETRAYAL AND ANGER. THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON.

     LIKE JUST NOW, THE RECEPTIONIST AT CREWHEALTH LOOKED AT ME THEN QUOTED A DAPHNE LINE FROM SCOOBY-DOO ON ZOMBIE ISLAND. “YOU CAN FEEL THE CHILL IN THE AIR, SOMEBODY CLOSE A WINDOW!” THE WEIRDNESS ABOUT THAT BEING SAID TO ME IS THAT WHEN I NEEDED COMFORT DURING COVID I WOULD RESORT TO WATCHING ANYTHING SCOOBY-DOO. IT WAS NICE KNOWING THAT THE MONSTERS OF THE WORLD WERE JUST OTHER PEOPLE IN MASKS.

      TO CALM ME DOWN FROM THIS ENTIRE EXPERIENCE WOULD BE SIMPLE. I WOULD NAP, SHOWER, OR TAKE A BATH. I HAVE A THOUGHT IN MY HEAD THAT TELLS ME THAT I AM STRONG ENOUGH TO CONQUER THIS AND NOT TO LET IT TAKE ME DOWN. 

I CAN TAKE ANYTHING THAT I SET MY MIND TO DO,

     AND I MEAN ANYTHING. SO, I’LL PROBABLY GO HOME WATCH SCOOBY-DOO AND TAKE A NAP…MAYBE CRY..

     PEOPLE AMAZE ME AT TIMES, AND BY THAT, I MEAN STRANGERS. YOU NEED TO MEET CERTAIN PEOPLE AT THE CORRECT TIME IN YOUR LIFE TO MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND YOUR PURPOSE, TO REGAIN FAITH. IT’S SOMETHING I’M WORKING ON, TO TRUST THE UNFAMILIAR AND JUST TO BE OPEN MINDED WHEN IT COMES TO OTHER PERSPECTIVES. I DARE YOU TO TRY IT AND I BET YOUR LIFE WITH DO A 180 WITH UPLIFTING POSITIVITY.

     POSITIVE. THAT’S THE ENTIRE STANDPOINT OF THIS POST, OF THIS ENTREE. HAVING A POSITIVE MINDSET WILL HELP BETTER YOU TO HAVING A BETTER LIFE AND GOOD WELL-BEING. YOU JUST HAVE TO STAY FOCUSED, BE NICE, AND HAVE THAT SUPPORT OF FAMILY AND FRIENDS TO KEEP YOU MOTIVATED.

     I ENCOURAGE EVERYONE TO TAKE THAT LEAP. BE THE BIGGER PERSON EVEN WHEN YOU KNOW THAT YOU WERE RIGHT. TAKE OTHER FEELINGS INTO ACCOUNT WHEN MENDING A RELATIONSHIP. LISTEN TO STRANGERS WHEN THEY SHARE THEIR EXPERIENCES. AND WHEN SOMEONE NEEDS HELP, GIVE IT, BECAUSE YOU COULD BE THAT ONE LIFELINE THAT PULLS THEM OUT OF THE DARKEST ABYSS.

 BE THE CHANGE IN THE WORLD. BE THE POSITIVE OUTLOOK IN SOMEONE ELSE’S LIFE. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS BE THERE, SHOW UP, AND BE YOU. YOU ARE THE SINGLE FACTOR ON THE PLANET THAT CAN CHANGE ANYTHING, BUT IT MUST START THERE IT MUST START WITH YOU. 

     BY THE WAY, YES, I’M HIV POSITIVE AND NO, IT’S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. IT’S THE START OF SOMETHING NEW, SCARY, DIFFERENT, BUT ALL IN ALL, I’M STILL THE SAME PERSON I WAS. I’M STILL AIDEN TYLER AND NOTHING WILL MAKE MY MORALITY WITHER. I AM WHO I AM, AND I WILL BE TRUE TO THAT UNTIL THE DAY I LEAVE THIS WORLD.

     NOW I AM HOME, RELAXING IN BED TRYING YO COLLECT ALL THES THOUGHTS I HAVE INTO SOMETHING MEANINGFUL. THE HOURS FEEL LIKE DAYS RIGHT NOW AFTER THE EXPERIENCE. 

THERE ARE THINGS OUT OF MY CONTROL AND THERE ARE SOME THAT  NOT. THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING I CAN CONTROL IS MYSELF, MY BODY, MY MOUTH, MY DICK, AND THE WAY I TREAT OTHERS.  IT'S ALL I CAN DO AT THIS POINT..✌🏽

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